Classic Stupid Behavior

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Classic stupid behavior I am engaging in. I have had small fluctuations in my weight since November. When I really work at it it comes down a little but I am is still steadily a half kilo above what I want to be. I had a really big fluctuation when I weighed in this week at the gym on Thursday - a two kilo gain. I got through my workout and decided to just chalk it up as a fluke - my hormones are acting up badly - night sweats, bad acne. But it really held on and bothered me tremendously. I had an appointment with my dermatologist so had planned to skip my workout on Friday. When I called to confirm the appointment there had been a mix up and I was told it was because they didn't understand my English. Ok, I've been going there for three years and only speak portuguese with them. Plus, they have a computer with all my info right in front of them. But to get to the point the weigh in and the insult led me to go home, have a drink, a bowl of cheetos, another drink, and a 150 gram chocolate egg. Now, I'm sitting here waiting to go on my virtual 5K and feeling like a pig. This is classic. I look back at my previous blog and know all this is happening because I dared have confidence. Confidence in my abilities to change. Now, I know I can't change. I'm not deserving of greatness. How dare I publicly declare that I'm important and deserving. Since posting that blog the universe has come back and put me solidly in my place. I am a fat outsider who despite working diligently has not come to anything because why, I don't deserve it.

Do I really believe this? I'm sorry to say in the deepest way I do. I tell myself grow up, you're not the the fat little girl anymore. The one who will do anything, put up with anything to be noticed and included. But, oh my goodness she is still there and her demands are great.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh pal! Don't let that inner critical voice get you down. From all your blogs we can all see how far you have come. And don't like the crazy people at the doctor office tell you you messed up and not them. This happens to me all the time and I've been in Brazil for 16 years! People make mistakes and think that can turn it around on poor little us!

    Don't you buy any more chocolate Easter eggs either! If the little kids at school give them to you, leave them there for others to enjoy and ruin their diet and health! Not you!

    You CAN do this! Yes, you can!

    Michele in Sobradinho
    3404 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8349004
    amiga!! i'm sad to see you have the same overly critical behavior that i do! i guess deep inside most of us have it!! i wish you could talk to yourself the same way you talk to me!! but i wish the same thing of myself so sometimes so it's just too much to ask!! but you are beautiful and so accomplished and so brave!! and just so you know this weekend for me involved wings, 2 burgers brownies and coldstone ice cream all while complaining about my weight!! and i know you are not calling me a pig in your head right now!! tomorrow is monday, a new week begins...take a deep breath, give yourself a huge water bottle to sip throughout the day... and let it go emoticon
    3405 days ago
    You and me both with the classic stupid behaviour - I needed to read your blog today, in fact you may have written it just for me.

    However, it's not over yet ... the fat lady hasn't sung (ha-ha, not). The fact that you wrote this blog KNOWING that we'd read it and be quick to say. "NO!" to you re. the negative self-talk tells me you're, at some level, saying 'no' to it too. You know it's not true, or you wouldn't be here in the first place. You ARE deserving of change, of greatness ... and I have to believe I am or ... what's the point of anything? I know you are, because I think EVERYONE is (so why the negative self-talk, Lisa? Hmmm).

    So, once this last lot of eating has been digested (gulp) ... we have a choice - keep going with that particular road (and I don't know about you, but i feel like carp right now) or we choose that other path ... the one with all the good stuff on it, the one that makes us FEEL good (once we've started). The one we started on that has got us this far. Come with me! Help me and I'll help you!
    3406 days ago
    Hold on a minute Michelle! You would never talk to a friend like that, so you should not talk to yourself like that. Letʻs get some perspective here.

    #1--You are wrestling with change-of-life hormones. So am I, so personally I know that hormone-related food cravings are physical, not psychological. I know this because the same day my belly bloats up from water retention, I crave salt and sugar like a maniac. Despite my best intentions, sometimes my body wins and my brain loses. Oh well, thatʻs why we can begin again.
    #2--There is a lot more going on right now for you than a small weight gain and a messed up dermatologist appointment. You are getting ready for a major life change in a few weeks. Moving, leaving, uprooting, saying goodbye, all of the things are painful so this is major "chronic background stress." Menopausal hormones + stress = eat, drink, scream and/or kill someone. Be happy--you did not kill anyone.
    #3--Alcohol makes us all lose our inhibitions---after 2 drinks, I could eat 4 bags of Cheetos, 1500 grams of chocolate and chase it with a pint of ice cream!

    You can change. You have changed. You are important and deserving. You are fit and healthy and beautiful and positive and wonderful. You are also vulnerable right now because of physical and life changes. But guess what? That is okay. You donʻt have to be Superwoman. Really. The universe does not punish, we punish ourselves. You did not do anything to deserve punishment---you had a couple of cocktails, ate a little junk food, and hopefully you thoroughly enjoyed your last Ovo de Pascoa in Brazil. You are not a bad, fat are a human being. Mil beijos...

    3406 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/16/2011 11:25:23 PM
  • RBALF1
    Oh honey. I feel your pain and anger. And I so relate to being pissed off and eating that chocolate egg -- again.
    You're not a pig. But it sounds like you have those powerful inside voices that tell you you are a failure. I've got some pretty loud ones too. It helps to look at what you have done well over time. And remember you really are in charge of your behavior. But boy it's hard some days. I try to remember that I'm only in control of the choice I make right now at this moment -- the one's I did in the past are gone and there's nothing more to be done with them.
    So right now I'm doing right.
    Take care -- be gentle with yourself, even when you screw up. It's just a moment of poor choice, it's not a reflection on your worth as a human being. Really.
    3407 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.