Classic Stupid Behavior
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Classic stupid behavior I am engaging in. I have had small fluctuations in my weight since November. When I really work at it it comes down a little but I am is still steadily a half kilo above what I want to be. I had a really big fluctuation when I weighed in this week at the gym on Thursday - a two kilo gain. I got through my workout and decided to just chalk it up as a fluke - my hormones are acting up badly - night sweats, bad acne. But it really held on and bothered me tremendously. I had an appointment with my dermatologist so had planned to skip my workout on Friday. When I called to confirm the appointment there had been a mix up and I was told it was because they didn't understand my English. Ok, I've been going there for three years and only speak portuguese with them. Plus, they have a computer with all my info right in front of them. But to get to the point the weigh in and the insult led me to go home, have a drink, a bowl of cheetos, another drink, and a 150 gram chocolate egg. Now, I'm sitting here waiting to go on my virtual 5K and feeling like a pig. This is classic. I look back at my previous blog and know all this is happening because I dared have confidence. Confidence in my abilities to change. Now, I know I can't change. I'm not deserving of greatness. How dare I publicly declare that I'm important and deserving. Since posting that blog the universe has come back and put me solidly in my place. I am a fat outsider who despite working diligently has not come to anything because why, I don't deserve it.
Do I really believe this? I'm sorry to say in the deepest way I do. I tell myself grow up, you're not the the fat little girl anymore. The one who will do anything, put up with anything to be noticed and included. But, oh my goodness she is still there and her demands are great.