THENOTORIOUSB
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A Critical Countdown

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Well, I guess it's been about a month since I blogged... I wrote this really fantastic blog on Tuesday about how humans don't naturally have utter self-acceptance, but my computer died just as I was finishing it, and I lost the whole thing... I'm never good at rewriting when that happens.

In any case, it has been a long month. My plateau ended, and I'm now 10 lbs lighter than I was when I was so concerned that I would be stuck forever. Not bad, considering the emotional turmoil I've been in over my grandfather's passing a few weeks ago. There were family visits, and I went off plan a few times while my mom was in town. WAY off plan.

But, things are moving forward, as they always do.

I am steadily approaching that magic number - 270. Why is it magic, you ask? It is black magic, actually, because it is the number that I always hit before something happens and I chuck my whole way of eating out the window, and start to put the weight back on. I am determined not to do that this time.
But it is scary.

The next 10 lbs is CRITICAL to my success. Not just because it's 10 lbs, but because in the last 13 years or so, I have never been below 263. And that number was reached after my divorce when i was drinking a lot and eating very little.
If I can get below that number, I will feel like things are different this time.

Isn't it funny how numbers on a little flat box can be so defining? The next 2 lbs, then, the next 6 or so have been my brick wall in the past, and I'm so afraid that I won't get through them... or that I won't get through them for long. It is hard to believe that I am so close right now, after just having started this plan 9+ weeks ago. Well, I guess that's quite a while, but it doesn't really feel that way. 28 lbs in 9 weeks! That's not too shabby!

I feel, though, like when you're driving home from a road trip, and that last 30 miles is ahead... you're so close, but it feels like you'll never get there. I know I will, and then there will be new goals and new horizons... but for now, I have to just feel the fear and move forward. I don't think that fear will ever go away... but I can't wait to find out what it feels like to be afraid that I won't make it to 240 or 200... That will be awesome!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • THENOTORIOUSB
    Thanks, Mel! I am doing pretty well. I *did* hit my magic number, and then some, but recently had some finance-related setbacks, that caused me to go back *up* to my magic number... I'm back on track now, and heading in the right direction again.
    It seems that we are very similar. If this is your first time to go low-carb, try not to get discouraged... it DOES work... and you may have to tweak it to make it fit your life... Tweak it so it becomes something you can do long term... Also, just for funsies, I recommend the documentary FatHead... it will validate your low-carb choice, despite the nay-sayers out there.
    Best wishes to you!
    3215 days ago
  • MBURGH
    I've just started following your blog. You and I are very similar. I am starting out roughly where you did, weight wise, and I'm also doing low-carb. I have PCOS and am Hypothyroid. My endo recommends the low carb diet. I am doing extreme LC for 2 weeks and then will ease back in healthy carbs. I hate the flack that people give Low Carb diets, because most people don't know the details, and that is is more about the lifestyle change - not the two week induction phase. Anyways, I digress, I hope you are doing well since this post in April!
    3215 days ago
  • THESUPERBREEDER
    I loved reading your blog. This is exciting you're on the cusp of hitting your mark!! I'm excited and more hopeful for myself! Thank you! -Lisa
    3261 days ago
  • THENOTORIOUSB
    Thanks, Nancy! I think the self-sabotage kicks in because, at least in my case, I am fat for a reason... To spite my mother, perhaps, or to push away unwanted male attention...
    Whatever the reason, though, there is a point where you start to become afraid of the change that is happening... afraid that you won't be yourself... afraid that you won't be safe.

    Learning how to fight through that is SO hard! I think you have to find security in other things first, and then you can let go of that fear. I'm hoping I have done that this time...
    Best wishes to you!
    3263 days ago
  • NJMATTICE
    I relate to the magic numbers and the pressure to succeed. I have a number that I'm trying to crack as well. I came close last time and somehow I never made it. You wonder how self sabotaging kicks in. It seems automatic. What is the self talk that makes one abandon ship? I am determined that no amount of negativity can make me lose sight of my goal this time. I will get there. I know I will and I know you can too.
    Keep working at it.
    -Nancy
    3263 days ago
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