A Critical Countdown
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Well, I guess it's been about a month since I blogged... I wrote this really fantastic blog on Tuesday about how humans don't naturally have utter self-acceptance, but my computer died just as I was finishing it, and I lost the whole thing... I'm never good at rewriting when that happens.
In any case, it has been a long month. My plateau ended, and I'm now 10 lbs lighter than I was when I was so concerned that I would be stuck forever. Not bad, considering the emotional turmoil I've been in over my grandfather's passing a few weeks ago. There were family visits, and I went off plan a few times while my mom was in town. WAY off plan.
But, things are moving forward, as they always do.
I am steadily approaching that magic number - 270. Why is it magic, you ask? It is black magic, actually, because it is the number that I always hit before something happens and I chuck my whole way of eating out the window, and start to put the weight back on. I am determined not to do that this time.
But it is scary.
The next 10 lbs is CRITICAL to my success. Not just because it's 10 lbs, but because in the last 13 years or so, I have never been below 263. And that number was reached after my divorce when i was drinking a lot and eating very little.
If I can get below that number, I will feel like things are different this time.
Isn't it funny how numbers on a little flat box can be so defining? The next 2 lbs, then, the next 6 or so have been my brick wall in the past, and I'm so afraid that I won't get through them... or that I won't get through them for long. It is hard to believe that I am so close right now, after just having started this plan 9+ weeks ago. Well, I guess that's quite a while, but it doesn't really feel that way. 28 lbs in 9 weeks! That's not too shabby!
I feel, though, like when you're driving home from a road trip, and that last 30 miles is ahead... you're so close, but it feels like you'll never get there. I know I will, and then there will be new goals and new horizons... but for now, I have to just feel the fear and move forward. I don't think that fear will ever go away... but I can't wait to find out what it feels like to be afraid that I won't make it to 240 or 200... That will be awesome!