Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Woke up early and ran/walked around the lake. It is crazy to think I used to run around the whole thing as late as October of 2010. Now I am barely running the 90 second intervals in the C25K Week 3 program. However, the good news is that I completed the program before, (with only a foot fracture to show for it hahaha) and I can complete it again and I CAN DO IT.
Reading some other stuff on SP made me realize I want to be healthy and not obsess over this the REST OF MY EFFING LIFE.
I haven't made Christmas cookies in over 10 years because I always feel too guilty to make and consume them. Every year it's "this is the year I'm going to sacrifice and NEXT year I'll make cookies" ..well next year doesn't ever come does it? Every year the same dang thing.
So screw that. I'm done. OR..I'm gonna learn how to be done. Making cookies doesn't mean eating them..it means putting on Christmas music, warm ovens, and decorating and giving them away.
For goodness sake, I need to learn to take control of my life.
So...........I'm going to Fat Camp. I'm going to Green Mountain at Fox Run. It's a place just for women and weight loss. Not only do they teach weight loss, and work the fat off you, they teach how to be a person that is not obsessed with food/good or bad food/full of self hate, and on and on and on.
I've been thinking about this step for a long time. Is is a cop-out? Is it the "easy way out"? I am not sure. I do know that if my blood tests don't improve my doctor is going to make me start testing my blood glucose daily, and I do not want to take that step. He will put me on cholesterol pills. Again, not something I want to do. He even mentioned having bariatric surgery. Do not want.
I'm not sure if it is the "easy" way out. 5 hours of cardio and weight lifting a day, 3 hours of psychotherapy a day, cooking and other classes each day. It will be structured time from 7 am to 9:45 pm each day. And then on top of this I will have to run my business at night. It won't be easy for me.
I'm not as scared of the physical part as I am the mental part. I've been in therapy before. And it is exhausting. Beating this monster --whatever it is-- that wants me to eat and eat and eat is the hardest thing I've tried to do and I keep failing miserably.
I'm frightened that I will go to this camp and want to eat. That I will get stressed out and will want to soothe myself the only way I know how to--with food- and that option won't be available to me. Then what? I feel like I'll be trapped in a room with only my feelings..and that is terrifying. I have to trust that these people KNOW that I will be feeling this way and have programs and activities in place to deal with this fear, these feelings, and this terror.
I'm not going until September, because that is when the business can spare me the most, but I put down my deposit yesterday. I'm committed to this step.
For those that are want more information, it's fitwoman.com. I'd be happy to tell you why I chose that one over the many other spas and camps out there.
I realize this opportunity isn't available to everyone and that is why I was hesitant to blog about it. Yes, it is expensive, and yes, I am blessed. I also work very hard, very long hours, and was poor for many years while we put my husband through medical school.