When did I give up......
Friday, July 08, 2011
It's been a rough couple of months, or I guess if I look back, it's been a rough couple of years.
I've struggled with my weight off and on ever since puberty, through an alcoholic mother, a mostly absent father, foster homes, bad first marriage, and eventually landing at 275 lbs. Yes, I was heavy, but I was active. I worked 2-3 jobs, chased the kids, could walk a couple of miles.....besides the lack of self-confidence it never really got in the way.
That was until 2004. That was the year that our son Adam Wayne was stillborn. Burying a child is something no parent ever wants to do, and the day we buried him.....I buried a huge part of myself as well.
We have gotten through the last seven years the best we could, or at least I thought I had.
After Adam we have since had a miscarriage with our son Collin Wesley, and gave birth to a beautiful preemie named Darin. I've worked extremely hard to get accepted into the RN Nursing Program in my town, and am finishing up my last two pre-requisites before the nursing classes start in August. I plan on working in the Labor& Delivery / NICU departments in honor of our two precious angels, and to help others that have to go through what we did.
I've worked so hard on being a great mom, and striving for a future career....Yet, here I sit....lying to myself each week....that this is the week that I will stick to my weight-loss plan. Here I sit at almost 400 lbs...can barely make it to the bathroom without my heart racing....I walk one tenth of a mile across campus and I'm huffing and puffing like a steam engine. I can't play with my children like I want to. I can't go for romantic walks with my husband. I can't even stand at my sink or stove for longer than five minutes at a time.
My livelyhood has changed so much in these last 7 years, all without others even really noticing. Of course they see that I'm larger.....and they see that I don't go out as much....but they don't really see or know the hurt inside. They don't see that part of me that is missing....that part of me that lost my ability to care about my own health when we lost our precious Adam and Collin.
When I go to the grocery store, I can't walk around. I have to ride in the little motorized carts, and as anyone else who has ever had to ride in one can tell you.....people can be right out rude. People look at me and snurl their noses up in disgust.....they look into my cart with shock when they see fruits and veggies instead of junk. That is all they see when they look at me.....they see a fat lady.....they don't even stop to think about the possible reasons as to why this "fat" lady is the way she is. They don't see the loving mother, devoted wife, pre-school teacher, Sunday school teacher, or future nurse.....they only see the failure part of me.
It's been a long time coming, but I finally found the parts of me that didn't care if I exercised or not....the parts of me that didn't care if I stopped at one slice of pizza or ate half. I finally found the parts of me that needs to heal, and I'm ready to try....one step at a time. Adam and Collin wouldn't want me to give up on myself. They would want me to be healthy, and so do I. I want to be here for our other beautiful precious children for a very long time.
It's been a long, heart-felt, soul searching few months, but it's time for me to slowly shed this cocoon I've been hiding in, and show everyone the real me.
Mom to Christina, Kelly, Benjamin, ^Adam^, ^Collin^, and Darin
Precious little angels.....forever loved....forever missed!