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Rough start to the day

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I woke not wanting to exercise....something some one said to me was still stuck in my brain and bothering me....old tapes started playing....self doubt was trying to creep in, weird thoughts of "can I go on for the rest of my life like this"..."is it fair that I have to watch ever bite of food I put in my body"....I am feeling the need to eat....not healthy, so reason I want to feel the relief I use to get from food....the addiction is in high gear today.....I need to remember that it's the addictive feelings and not me that are fighting to take over this morning....
I must not give in to them, I need to reach out and get help, I pray to God to help me, to give me strength to get by banish the old negative tapes from my mind , to know I have done this in the past and don't want to go remember the pain, the humiliation of being that big fat women, who people stared at. or the anger and self hating that goes along with the obesity....I must never forget how very hard it is to carry all that weight, and the embarrassment hard it is to be invisible when you are the biggest person in the room...the embarrassment to hear people say she has such a pretty face, or she is so smart to bad she is so big.....hearing my mothers words saying I'd never find a husband or get a job....she use to tell me fat people are the drain on society, people don't like fat people and even other fat people will make fun of you.....
why this morning are all these ugly thoughts coming in my brain....I don't have the time nor the energy to deal with them......
so I have to look in the mirror and tell that scared little girl, that things have no longer do self destructive things, you no longer use food to wound your soul, you have gotten past those old negative behaviors.....YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL STRONG PERSON WHO LOOKS THINGS HEAD ON, NO EXCUSES, NO WHINING, NO COMPLAINING..... so I write that down and stick it in my pocket, I have to go to work where people are counting on me to be happy and give of myself and lift there spirits and self esteem.....
so I take my healthy lunch and get out the door, put on my favorite music and hope in 15 minutes it take me to get to work I'll be feeling much better.....people are counting on me....
I have new coping skills...
I have to remember that what people thing should not matter, till the walk a mile in my shoes, don't judge me, don't belittle me for my choices, I'm doing my best each day, I have to live in this body and no one else....

please remember me today in your prayers, I sure need it
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Awww Kitt, so sorry you had a tough morning. I am so pround of the way you handled it! Write about it, see the positive thoughts on paper (or in your blog). We all know how tough it is, but only a very few can really handle it like you did! Keep up the good work, you are worth it!
    You have a man who loves you no matter what, and you are able to enjoy doing things with him now that you are healthy. That is precious!
    Love you,
    3047 days ago
    3048 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    3048 days ago
  • no profile photo BUGSMIMI
    Kitt, I saw the title to your blog before I went to work this morning, and didn't have time to post a comment. I did think "Oh, oh.", and hoped that your day got much better as it went along. I sure do hope that did happen.

    3049 days ago
    prayers for you

    but I believe you have the power in you --- God is always within you

    hugs Jo
    3049 days ago
    You handled this very well, Kitt. As for the person that made the remark that bothered you...if you don't need that kind of support in your life, drop them. Life is too short to put up with crap. :-)

    3049 days ago
  • RONIE11
    Kitt I know you will become strong again. I hope your day has gotten better. You have learned such a healthy way of living and are proof that this works.. the fact that you are having such a bad day and are dealing with it instead of caving in.. shows how strong you are...
    3049 days ago
    Kitt just got to read this now, I sure hope your day went well.
    You did all the right stuff, faced your mood right in the face and talked the right talk to get through the day.

    I pray it was not a hard day.

    You struggle some days, we are with you and here for you.

    Hugs Mary
    3049 days ago
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    i don't know any way to prevent feelings & thoughts from popping up, but I love your response to the ones that arrived this morning. You are changing with new approach to food and life, u r beautiful and have value to everyone in your life, and I love that you put it in your pocket & took it with you! What a wonderful idea :)

    I hope you shook off those old feelings & had a sparktacular day! Luv u much!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3049 days ago
    You ARE a new and different person from the one who gained all that weight in the first place.
    You ARE strong!
    You ARE capable!
    You do NOT need food to deal with negative feelings!
    You DO have better coping skills now!

    You proved all that this morning!

    And you will continue to prove it throughout this day, and throughout all the days ahead.

    You listed all the negatives of being overweight that you want to avoid.

    Now you just need a list of all the positive things that you can refer to and use (instead of food) to comfort yourself when you feel upset.
    I see that music is one of them. I'll bet that exercise is another.
    Maybe writing in a journal is something that helps you deal with feelings too.

    Whenever I am upset I can sometimes feel better by:
    taking a long soaking, luxurious bath
    getting a manicure (and perhaps a pedicure)
    talking things over with a friend
    petting my purring cat
    watching a movie on tv
    reading an interesting book - maybe a mystery
    taking a nap
    taking a walk or a hike in the woods
    punching a pillow and swearing

    None of them adds any calories to the tracker, but they can help me deal with a bad day.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3049 days ago
    Kitt you are such an inspiration to all of us. You know you have an addiction that needs to be controlled and I'm so glad that you have the right tools now to deal with it. Stay strong.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3049 days ago
    Praying you keep strong & NEVER GIVE UP. You will get these negative thoughts always no ERASE BUTTON for the mind. All the best
    3049 days ago
    emoticon and emoticon

    Don't you just wish you could hit the erase button and get rid of all of the old tapes in your head? I've had a lot of old tapes playing in my head lately so I fully understand.

    You are a very beautiful person inside and out!

    {{{Hugs}}} ~ Janel :)
    3049 days ago
    Said a prayer for you Kitt, and yes you are a very strong woman!
    3049 days ago
    ((Kitt)) Yes, you can do this for the rest of your life. You are strong and will do what is best for you. Satan is a liar and you do not have to eat those things that are calling your name.


    YOU are the BEST you there is. emoticon
    3049 days ago
    Praying for you. ((((HUGS))))

    You definitely ARE a beautiful, strong, person who looks things head on. YOU CAN DO THIS! Be stronger than the negative voices in your head. Stand boldly and tell them to just shut the hell up!!

    Have a blessed, beautiful, happy day. And if it seems hard to do - just fake - eventually all that faking will lead to reality! :)

    - Michelle
    3049 days ago
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