i write to heal. so this blog is for me to try and rid my soul of some hurts that i dont want to fester and take me to a dark place. if anyone reading this gets some healing, inspiration then im glad. im not a shy person and i use my hurts, vulnerabilities to help others dig down deep and realize they have more strength then they have allowed themselves to realize they have.
so my dtr is still not talking to me. im actually ok with that. i firmly believe that if someone is a toxic person, you must distance yourself from them so as not to have thier poison run through your veins as well. i love her dearly and pray for her daily. i miss my grandbabies so much my heart hurts. i look at their pictures daily, hourly and sometimes i cry and sometimes the pain is so great i just bow my head and pray to God for continued grace and strength to get me through this.
then theres my dangerously low iron. i have no energy at all. and im so frustrated with this.im used to going going going. but again i have to trust that God is bringing me to this place for a reason. im pretty sure this is His way of getting my attention and telling me to stop and slow down and listen to Him. and well, im pretty stubborn and i get so busy i wasnt listening to Him. its hard to want to get up and exersize, get outside and tend to my flower gardens, take my pooch for a walk...just anything. but what used to take me 20 min to shower and get dressed and do my hair, now takes me at least an hour. i just tire so easily. and i hardly recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. i look so tired. im so pale. i have absolutely no color whatsoever. and my body is getting ready for that time of the month again, and im quite frankly scared. i dont have any blood to spare....
. again, i must have faith that all that im going through, my God is in charge and will lead me through this. but i find myself getting angry sometimes. i grieve the loss of my health, my energy , the freedom to just go for a walk and not worry if im gonna end up a speed bump somewhere. i lived my life, quite successfully in the body of a midsize car. i got good mileage, my parts were well taken care of and i took care of the paint job. somewhere along the way in the last two years my car got traded in for a semi truck...with a trailer. and after years of navigating through life in the car, i have no idea how to now drive this semi!!!! i was used to how fast i could go, what parking spaces i fit into, how fast i could drive! and now....i dont even want to go out of the driveway!!!! i dont no how to navigate through my life in this road hogging vehicle!!! i want my car back...but its like im putting water in the gas tank and cant even get the engine to turn over. im scared to exersize like i used to because i dont want to injure myself. life has become challenging enough without adding an injury to the task of remaining mobile. so im gonna start ,carefully, pushing this semi and moving it down the road. slowly but surely i will be able to trade this in for my car...maybe by the time im done ill be a smart car!!!!!!
but seriously, im not satisfied with the quality of life im allowing myself to live out each day..i got myself into this mess and its up to me get myself out. its time to not let the fear of getting hurt outweigh the joy of being healthy!! ive been grieving the loss of my old body, confidence, freedom of movement. ok, the pity party is done. the cake is thrown out, the decorations are coming down. from now on the only party im gonna have is celebrating the victories of success!!!!
yesterday i got hit with my hardest trial yet. my beautiful 19 year old son got arrested and is in jail. hes been battling drug/alcohol addiction for years and its all related. while i no he must be responsible for his choices, im left sitting here, tears streaming down my face with so many regrets. i wish i could have a do over. i would have left my ex years ago, i would have my kids raised in a home that wasnt run by a man so insecure he set out to destroy those that loved him most, (not me, my kids) i would have raised my kids in the knowledge God loves them and to bow their heads and cry out to Him and seek His knowledge for everything in their lives. but i was a coward. i believed my ex's lies that i could never make it on my own, that no man would ever want me , that i would never be happy, that i should FEEL LUCKY that he loves me so much to put up with me. and i resigned to his abuse and tried my best to raise my kids as mentally,spiritually and physically happy as possible. i didnt realize that the kids could see the abuse and damage their father was making all of us live in. and now, i have such guilt and remorse that i didnt find the strength to walk out that door, take my babies with me and make a life for all of us. i grew up with just my mom and brothers and our finances were always bad. my mom tried to keep us from it, but we knew she struggled each month to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. and my father had remarried and him and his new wife were living in a brand new house with brand new furniture and well there was alot of resentment growing up. and my ex knew i was terrified of being poor again, so he lorded money over me and made it next to impossible for me to be at all independent financially and forbid me to have a job. that eventually changed, by the time my son was 2 i was working full time and in charge of my own money. but then the problems really started and it took me 23 years to finally be free from him. sadly, the damage he reined on all of us, is something we are all trying to heal from.
so, ive had plenty of reasons to curl up in a fetal position and just let the world go by. but thats not gonna happen. im a survivor, not a victim. my condition is that im obese, but its not the determining factor for my self worth nor the definition of who i am. I will not let my past failures be future. im in the drivers seat and im no longer satisfied with this second rate life ive been living. well actually to be completely correct, God is in the drivers seat and in that knowledge i no that im safe. i may not know my destination, but HE does and thats good enough.
one day, i will feel my grandbabies arms around me again, feel their kisses on my cheek and hear the laughter of their voices, one day my health will no longer be an issue and i will be jumping and dancing and not feel any pain, one day i will be able to sit down cross my legs and then get back up again and not need anyone (or a forklift) to help me get back up. and, one day i will see peace and confidence in my childrens faces and not the pain in their eyes from years of emotional starvation. Gods love is greater than the devils lies. im not listening to the devil anymore, im claiming the victories God wants me to have. the devil can do swirlie in the toilet and go back where he belongs.
if anyone is facing trials and pain and hurt and fear in their lives.....dont give in to it. fight back. allow your body and soul to get strong and overcome these obstacles to be banished from your life. life can present us with so many obstacles that can either defeat us....or be used to give us more strength than we ever dreamed possible. you have a choice.
so as my title states.....that noise you hear is NOT me falling down, its the devil running away!!!!!
spread the love*spread the hope*spread the spark
The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to anyone who seeks help from him.