that noise is not me falling down, its the devil running away!!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i write to heal. so this blog is for me to try and rid my soul of some hurts that i dont want to fester and take me to a dark place. if anyone reading this gets some healing, inspiration then im glad. im not a shy person and i use my hurts, vulnerabilities to help others dig down deep and realize they have more strength then they have allowed themselves to realize they have.

so my dtr is still not talking to me. im actually ok with that. i firmly believe that if someone is a toxic person, you must distance yourself from them so as not to have thier poison run through your veins as well. i love her dearly and pray for her daily. i miss my grandbabies so much my heart hurts. i look at their pictures daily, hourly and sometimes i cry and sometimes the pain is so great i just bow my head and pray to God for continued grace and strength to get me through this.

then theres my dangerously low iron. i have no energy at all. and im so frustrated with used to going going going. but again i have to trust that God is bringing me to this place for a reason. im pretty sure this is His way of getting my attention and telling me to stop and slow down and listen to Him. and well, im pretty stubborn and i get so busy i wasnt listening to Him. its hard to want to get up and exersize, get outside and tend to my flower gardens, take my pooch for a walk...just anything. but what used to take me 20 min to shower and get dressed and do my hair, now takes me at least an hour. i just tire so easily. and i hardly recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. i look so tired. im so pale. i have absolutely no color whatsoever. and my body is getting ready for that time of the month again, and im quite frankly scared. i dont have any blood to spare.... emoticon. again, i must have faith that all that im going through, my God is in charge and will lead me through this. but i find myself getting angry sometimes. i grieve the loss of my health, my energy , the freedom to just go for a walk and not worry if im gonna end up a speed bump somewhere. i lived my life, quite successfully in the body of a midsize car. i got good mileage, my parts were well taken care of and i took care of the paint job. somewhere along the way in the last two years my car got traded in for a semi truck...with a trailer. and after years of navigating through life in the car, i have no idea how to now drive this semi!!!! i was used to how fast i could go, what parking spaces i fit into, how fast i could drive! and now....i dont even want to go out of the driveway!!!! i dont no how to navigate through my life in this road hogging vehicle!!! i want my car back...but its like im putting water in the gas tank and cant even get the engine to turn over. im scared to exersize like i used to because i dont want to injure myself. life has become challenging enough without adding an injury to the task of remaining mobile. so im gonna start ,carefully, pushing this semi and moving it down the road. slowly but surely i will be able to trade this in for my car...maybe by the time im done ill be a smart car!!!!!! emoticon but seriously, im not satisfied with the quality of life im allowing myself to live out each day..i got myself into this mess and its up to me get myself out. its time to not let the fear of getting hurt outweigh the joy of being healthy!! ive been grieving the loss of my old body, confidence, freedom of movement. ok, the pity party is done. the cake is thrown out, the decorations are coming down. from now on the only party im gonna have is celebrating the victories of success!!!!

yesterday i got hit with my hardest trial yet. my beautiful 19 year old son got arrested and is in jail. hes been battling drug/alcohol addiction for years and its all related. while i no he must be responsible for his choices, im left sitting here, tears streaming down my face with so many regrets. i wish i could have a do over. i would have left my ex years ago, i would have my kids raised in a home that wasnt run by a man so insecure he set out to destroy those that loved him most, (not me, my kids) i would have raised my kids in the knowledge God loves them and to bow their heads and cry out to Him and seek His knowledge for everything in their lives. but i was a coward. i believed my ex's lies that i could never make it on my own, that no man would ever want me , that i would never be happy, that i should FEEL LUCKY that he loves me so much to put up with me. and i resigned to his abuse and tried my best to raise my kids as mentally,spiritually and physically happy as possible. i didnt realize that the kids could see the abuse and damage their father was making all of us live in. and now, i have such guilt and remorse that i didnt find the strength to walk out that door, take my babies with me and make a life for all of us. i grew up with just my mom and brothers and our finances were always bad. my mom tried to keep us from it, but we knew she struggled each month to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. and my father had remarried and him and his new wife were living in a brand new house with brand new furniture and well there was alot of resentment growing up. and my ex knew i was terrified of being poor again, so he lorded money over me and made it next to impossible for me to be at all independent financially and forbid me to have a job. that eventually changed, by the time my son was 2 i was working full time and in charge of my own money. but then the problems really started and it took me 23 years to finally be free from him. sadly, the damage he reined on all of us, is something we are all trying to heal from.

so, ive had plenty of reasons to curl up in a fetal position and just let the world go by. but thats not gonna happen. im a survivor, not a victim. my condition is that im obese, but its not the determining factor for my self worth nor the definition of who i am. I will not let my past failures be future. im in the drivers seat and im no longer satisfied with this second rate life ive been living. well actually to be completely correct, God is in the drivers seat and in that knowledge i no that im safe. i may not know my destination, but HE does and thats good enough.

one day, i will feel my grandbabies arms around me again, feel their kisses on my cheek and hear the laughter of their voices, one day my health will no longer be an issue and i will be jumping and dancing and not feel any pain, one day i will be able to sit down cross my legs and then get back up again and not need anyone (or a forklift) to help me get back up. and, one day i will see peace and confidence in my childrens faces and not the pain in their eyes from years of emotional starvation. Gods love is greater than the devils lies. im not listening to the devil anymore, im claiming the victories God wants me to have. the devil can do swirlie in the toilet and go back where he belongs.

if anyone is facing trials and pain and hurt and fear in their lives.....dont give in to it. fight back. allow your body and soul to get strong and overcome these obstacles to be banished from your life. life can present us with so many obstacles that can either defeat us....or be used to give us more strength than we ever dreamed possible. you have a choice.

so as my title states.....that noise you hear is NOT me falling down, its the devil running away!!!!!

God Bless
spread the love*spread the hope*spread the spark

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to anyone who seeks help from him.
Lamentations 3:25
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  • no profile photo CD9394210
    Guilt is very toxic and it doesn't help anyone,but I know the feeling of wishing you had done things differently with your kids.
    I have to pray for healing everyday from not showing the way of the Lord to my girls.
    I follow him now, and hopefully,one day,my girls will too.
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    3495 days ago
    To my dear dear friend Shellie - I wish I could hop on an airplane and come and hold you and hug you till you no longer hurt.
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    Through all your pain and sorrow you still seem to beam like a ray of sunshine for everyone around you!
    Your children are legally adults and responsible for their actions.... Yet we will worry about our children even when they are 50.
    Did you leave your son in jail? (My husband got a DWI when he was young and did a night in jail, that was the last time he was arrested.) Try not to jump through hoops for him. On "Intervention" they get help when they feel they've hit rock bottom. They force a bottom so they get the help they need since no one will be there for them while their in the throws of their addiction. Maybe find a facility for him to check into. Like our addiction to food, he has his demons too. Help but don't enable.
    Not seeing your grandchildren breaks my heart big time! My kids are SOO close to my parents and I appreciate every ounce of love they share together. It is beautiful. I hope for all your sakes your daughter wakes up. She is really out of touch with what is important in life. Does your other daughter see her sister? Could she bring the kids to see you?
    Your health!!! You MUST get help for your iron! Try another doctor. I was recommended recently to a hematologist for my low iron. Have you tried that specialist? Of not, please look into it.
    Shellie - please take these
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    I know you have your man by your side and he an give you the real thing!
    3495 days ago
    3496 days ago
    Hoping that things improve for you and know that I am thinking of you!
    3496 days ago
    3497 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/10/2011 4:46:50 PM
    I agree with SWEETBEETL “This is so brave of you to put it all out there for the world to see. This might have been difficult for you but you are not alone”

    You are a wonderful writer, and in addition to sharing this with us, I would share this with your children. As children sometimes we forget our parents are human and are struggling with their own issues and problems. We don’t realize that hurt people purposefully (in the case of your ex) or inadvertently (in your case) hurt others.
    I hope God Blesses you and your children

    May god Bless you and your family too SWEETBEETL
    3497 days ago
    This is so brave of you to put it all out there for the world to see. This might have been difficult for you but you are not alone. Some of us share similiar stories.

    I was abused as a small girl by one of my dad's friends and then later by a close relative. My first husband was very abusive and neglected us in every way and I left when my girls were 4 yrs old and 2 yrs old. when he starting to hit my eldest I left but it was not early enough. How much is genetic and how much is environmental??? He left us penniless, emotional broke, and afraid of people. My girls were terrified of the mean man (which was their own father) for years. Little did I know they would become worse than he was and so much more crueler. If I had known I prob would have left them with him and just walked away from all of them.

    I struck out on my own determined that my girls would have a better life. I worked sometimes three jobs and took care of them. My family helped me so much. I was also determined to have a healthy loving relationship with someone. I made a long list of traits that I wanted in a man. I spoiled my girls, I guess out of guilt for their first few horrible years.

    I did meet a new man at work. He was ten years younger than me but he had everything on my wish list. We got married. We have never really had a fight and adore each other even 14 years later. He is wonderful. He is gentle kind thoughtful generous and so loving. I got a great job and was able to work 8 hours a day no weekends bonuses etc.

    My girls went from spoiled brats and devil's spawn (my family's name for them) to drug addicted self defiling grown ups like their father. I had to take custody of Jazzy from my one daughter because she just walked away and was dangerous to Jazzy. A few years later she is with a guy and now preg with twins. They were both doing methadone and abusing drugs still right up til she got preg. I pray they step up and take care of these kids. It is all over facebook about how I am not allowed near the babies. Brandy has poisoned people in her new life against me telling them I stole Jazzy...her distortion of reality and the past is scary. Both my children have such toxic personalities so I can relate.
    I had to forbid Brit to come over she is using needles and lives with a nut and GOD just told me they are stealing your peace that I gave you keep them away. So that is what I did. Until she gets clean and away from that guy she is not welcome here. Jazzy is remarkable and the apple of everyones eye. All the mistakes I made with my girls I am not making with her.

    GOD is taking care of us now and I pray that they will all turn to GOD and live a right true life. Ultimately it is their choice and it does not affect me anymore. Jesus said my peace I leave with you and that he came for me to have joy so if I am not at peace or joyful it is not from him so I push it away. This life is just a temp residence I keep my eyes on him and I am happy and full of peace so it is possible to enjoy your life. I do everyday I laugh and I love deeply. Keep keeping on in the right path and in due time you will see your rewards.

    Love ya.
    3497 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10405395
    I'm so sorry that you're having such challenges, but I'm so happy that you are embracing ways to get you through this! And yes, that was very inspiring...I think we all struggle in our own ways, but it's important we all get things off our chests and onto solutions!
    3497 days ago
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