I can honestly say that I have had a great year of traveling. A series of events, in the form of birthdays, school rotations and cross country reunions allowed me to travel more than I could have expected this year. Eat your heart out Dora the Explorer! Ok..maybe that's a little intense, but my point is, I really got to go beyond the confines of school, lab and the library and it was great. Cancun was relaxing. We toasted to a friend's 30th birthday and all created great memories. Senegal was culuturally refreshing and I learned a lot about the dental system while working there for a month. Switzerland was breathtakingly beautiful and I found a European country that I could see myself living in for an extended period of time.
While I don't regret my trips AT ALL, I do regret the decision I made that kept me from maintaining a decent weight. I got stressed at school and suddenly lost my determination and discipline. Suddenly, any craving had to be catered to. Any desire to eat seemed impossible to control. . In Senegal, I lived with an amazing host mom who was a 5 star cook, who loved to "love you" with her food.
And I loved it back lol. But, I began to feel the effects of my weightgain, and could feel my body yelling! Switzerland?? Don't ask! You know all the stuff they say about Swiss Cheese and Swiss chocolate? It's all true! It's delicious and delightful. But, after downing so much chocolate at the Chocolate factory and eating fondue, I was ready to just cleanse myself.
As I rode the plane back to the States, I had nowhere to run. My once loose jeans were strangling the love handles they had happily gotten use to missing. My stomach was aching for more salads and fiber. My overall body was asking me for a cleanse. I won't lie, a part of me debated if food was just too dificult of an obstacle to overcome. Perhaps I could just get used to being bigger...maybe even much larger. But then I recalled the diabetic status knocking on my door, and I thought about how good I felt when I was eating, thinking and beig healthy. And I thought about the bikini that I wanted to fit in for my darn self! I decided on the plane that giving up on my health journey was not an option, so I would get back on it.. but only with a better outlook than before. I told myself " One day, you will be a success story..it's up to you".
I know for a fact that my issue is consistency and realizing that everyday battle means everyday battle. I always start with great intentions, but once I crumble or stumble, I assume it's a hopeless cause and I give up. But I realize to lose weight and keep it off, I have to deal with something harder than saying no to certain foods...I have to deal with the emotions and the mentality that cause me to reach for food when stressed, bored or whatnot. I am so scared of this, but I am taking the steps towards this battle now. I've pretended to do this in the past, but I am tired of this weakness always catching up with me.
My trips were so much fun, and I don't regret them, but I need to take a trip in my brain.. I just want to start over, from scratch and try to do so honestly-without lying to myself!! No grand promises, no focus on a particular weight. Just the desire to get back to where I was, to get beyond that and to stay there, even when times are tough , especially when the initial excitement wears off.
Here I go....