It started as just a few days.
Then turned into a few weeks.
And now I am realizing that it has turned into MONTHS.
What happened to my motivation?
When did tracking what I eat become a "too much" to do in a day?
When did exercising become "too hard"?
When did watching my caffeine intake become "too un-needed"?
When did I no longer "deserve" to treat my body well?
To treat it like a temple?
To take care of it, care for it, and reap the rewards of being healthy?
And because this thing, this inside deep rooted THING has been allowed to slowly breath and breed for the last several months,
I am struggling to get rid of it.
I sleep a lot.... I feel tired.
I sleep a little.... I feel tired.
One cup of coffee, two cups of coffee, an entire pot of coffee.... I feel tired.
No coffee.... I feel tired.
Forget walks at work.
I don't anymore.
Forget drinking water.
I haven't been.
And forget eating healthy.
I eat what "feels" good.
Today, I scarfed down three chocolate donuts for breakfast, a large fry and bacon mcdouble from McDonalds for lunch, a large Dr. Pepper (intentionally not getting diet), followed by a HUGE bowl of mashed potatoes and Yogurt Butter (not the real stuff, my "no cholesterol" stuff) for dinner.
And I won't even attempt to recall the mass amounts of GARBAGE I stuffed down yesterday.
Just that by the time I went to bed, I was in physical pain from over-eating.
When did this happen?
Why did this happen?
And will this brutally honest acknowledgement of face stuffing, confessing of laziness, realization of abuse nutritionally on my own body, will this be enough to make me open my eyes to what I had worked so hard to obtain just a few months ago?
And to want to fight to gain it back?
Right now, I don't know.
I'm hoping tomorrow..
That I will.