finding the strength to keep going.....

Thursday, September 29, 2011

this is just the ramblings on that have been bouncing around in my head and i just need to rid them so maybe i can find peace.

my son.i dont no who he is. i dont think i'll get him back anytime soon. drugs have been a thief that has stolen anything representing who he is, used to be. out of love, maybe even guilt, definitely fear , i let him move back home. i knew he was sick. still addicted and not ready to fight that addiction. but how do you find the strength to turn away from someone who once snuggled into me and held my face in his little hands and said that i was the prettiest ,smartest girl ever and he never wanted anyone else. it seems a blink of the eye ago that he was innocent, full of love, full of life, brought a smile to all who met him. and before me there is a stranger. once in a while i see a glimpse of the boy i fell in love with as soon as he was placed in my arms. but then a shadow falls across his face and the stranger is back. and i no i ve lost him. and somehow, i have to find the strength now to tell him he can no longer share this house, my home. because to him its just a place to "crash", to continue to feed his drug habit. and i cannot do that. there are many things i would do for him, but allow him to continue to live here and completely disrespect me and the other family members and cause chaos and bring drugs into the dwelling i pray in and worship my Lord in, cannot continue.this is a home, not a crack house, not a flop house. drugs is stealing my son but now it has its grip on me as well. no, i dont use, but im now a prisoner of my home, the need to protect it, and to watch over what my son does has me virtually locked in the place that used to bring me so much comfort.

as a result, i have not been on the computer and doing what i enjoy, spreading humour and encouragement to my fellow sparkers. an activity i used to enjoy now brings me guilt as i look at my ever filling inbox. so, i apologize, i have had to back out of all the competitions i was participating in. i will get back on track. i no i cant change him or make him want to change so what i can do is to get back to having a quality of life for me and those around me that want this same goal. but i am heavy hearted and full of loss and sadness and being forced, at this time, to let go of my son. but im sending him off in GOds hands, so i no he will have a hedge of protection around that will keep him safer that i ever could.

Our dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you with a heart so heavy full of sadness. Lord, i give you my son and ask you to keep him safe. LOrd i pray that you would send someone in his life to lead him back towards the light of life and to turn away from the darkness engulfing his life. Please send a gentle whisper in his ear that lets him no i love him so much and i did not send him away in anger, but truly in love. I pray that his journey would lead him back to you Lord and back to his family. Please Lord, fill me with your grace and wisdom and strength as i wait upon YOu to do your heavenly work in his life.
I ask this in Jesus name.....
Amen emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hope you guys have great days ahead of you and know I am thinking of you!
    3435 days ago

    I am really glad to hear from you. I have been concerned that something was wrong. I didn't want to add to that pile in your in-basket. This is quite a trial you are going through!

    I had to let my son go, once, for the same reason. Then, once, my husband and I sold everything and went to him in another state, and tried to set up household together. He was the same, and soon we were of interest to the police. Our home was declared a public nuisance by the District Attorney! The smartest thing we did was pack up again and return back to Utah. We left him there, hating us for 'abandoning' him. He slept in the park for a while. He had a really rough time.

    But finally, when he was sufficiently humbled, he accepted our offer of a bus ticket, on the promise that it would go better this time. I won't say that it has gone perfectly, but he has grown as a person to the point that I can honestly say I am proud of him. He has not only quit drugs; he has quit smoking as well, and that was his decision.

    I am telling you all of this to share with you an example of healing. God really does work in mysterious ways. I know you have a sterling faith. Much bigger than a mustard seed. And "the prayers of a righteous man (or woman) availeth much"

    Hang in there! And when you are ready to come back will be the right time ~ no questions need to be asked! You just rest in the Grace of God's Love, and know that I love you and care about you too!
    3440 days ago
    many prayers coming out to u and your family~ emoticon
    3446 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Just hang in there, and eventually you'll see the light.
    3446 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    You are definitely enabling him. He needs to go now. You are letting him stay for you, so you'll feel better, and it's not doing him any good.

    Please find a Nar-Anon meeting in your area (or if there isn't one a Al-Anon) to help support you. This is a 12-Step Program for friends and family of those who are addicted.
    3446 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9394210
    What a tough time you are going through.
    My heart just broke when i read your blog. As a mom, seeing your children making bad choices is just awful.
    Keep praying and believing that Jesus will set him free.
    I pray for you and your family to find peace and grow stronger in this trial.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3446 days ago

    You do what you feel you need to do and do not appologize to any one for anything.

    This will all be here for you when you get back and you will be able to come back. no guilt, no shoulduv's here.

    Take care of yourself. be kind to your self. seek support, reach out to anyone that you can sit on their couch for a time and hear all that what you have to say.

    3447 days ago

    I said your prayer along with you! I have seen too much taken from people due to drugs and alcohol. You are making the right choice and I pray for you as well. I don't know if I could be as strong. You can only suggest places for him to get help. You already know that he needs to want it for it to happen. I pray he finds the help and seeks it too. Know that all our thoughts from your Spark friends are with you and your family during this difficult time.

    God Bless,

    3447 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5770485
    Shellie, I am sorry for the difficulties you are going through in your life right now. I know as a mother, what is happening must be tearing your heart apart. I hope that God helps you find peace and comfort and that maybe your son will become enlightened and come home to you. Prayers are with you and your son.

    God Bless,

    Dawn emoticon
    3447 days ago
    Shellie ~ I will say a prayer for you and for your son. You must have the strength to make him leave your home. It is not healthy for you to have him there, tearing down your love, your family, your peace of mind.

    My son was falling into a similar path and eventually was stealing from us. I called the cops and had them come to the house. I didn't press charges, but knowing that he had been looking at 3 felony charges seemed to make a difference in him. He also was bringing his drugs and paraphenalia into our house. It could have caused my husband to lose him job and his profession.

    I had a heavy heart when I told him he had to leave, to move in with his dad. But in the few weeks he's been gone, it has brougt a peace to myself and my household.

    I pray that you be strong, for yourself and your family. Do what is best, continue to pray for the Lord's intervention in your sons life.
    3447 days ago
    Ask God to give you and your family peace and strenght, to get through this rough time. My God bless you and your family and keep ya'll safe.
    3447 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10614001

    Reading this breaks my heart for you, your Son, and your Family. I can't even imagine what you must be going through but I can feel your pain in your words. You're a strong person with strong faith. You will get through this! I will keep you and your Son in my prayers. Stay strong and lean on God when you feel defeated. He will carry you through!

    3447 days ago
    I'm praying that God shines his face on your son, you and all of your family and gives you all the strength to deal with this sad situation. xx
    3447 days ago
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