this is just the ramblings on that have been bouncing around in my head and i just need to rid them so maybe i can find peace.
my son.i dont no who he is. i dont think i'll get him back anytime soon. drugs have been a thief that has stolen anything representing who he is, used to be. out of love, maybe even guilt, definitely fear , i let him move back home. i knew he was sick. still addicted and not ready to fight that addiction. but how do you find the strength to turn away from someone who once snuggled into me and held my face in his little hands and said that i was the prettiest ,smartest girl ever and he never wanted anyone else. it seems a blink of the eye ago that he was innocent, full of love, full of life, brought a smile to all who met him. and before me there is a stranger. once in a while i see a glimpse of the boy i fell in love with as soon as he was placed in my arms. but then a shadow falls across his face and the stranger is back. and i no i ve lost him. and somehow, i have to find the strength now to tell him he can no longer share this house, my home. because to him its just a place to "crash", to continue to feed his drug habit. and i cannot do that. there are many things i would do for him, but allow him to continue to live here and completely disrespect me and the other family members and cause chaos and bring drugs into the dwelling i pray in and worship my Lord in, cannot continue.this is a home, not a crack house, not a flop house. drugs is stealing my son but now it has its grip on me as well. no, i dont use, but im now a prisoner of my home, the need to protect it, and to watch over what my son does has me virtually locked in the place that used to bring me so much comfort.
as a result, i have not been on the computer and doing what i enjoy, spreading humour and encouragement to my fellow sparkers. an activity i used to enjoy now brings me guilt as i look at my ever filling inbox. so, i apologize, i have had to back out of all the competitions i was participating in. i will get back on track. i no i cant change him or make him want to change so what i can do is to get back to having a quality of life for me and those around me that want this same goal. but i am heavy hearted and full of loss and sadness and being forced, at this time, to let go of my son. but im sending him off in GOds hands, so i no he will have a hedge of protection around that will keep him safer that i ever could.
Our dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you with a heart so heavy full of sadness. Lord, i give you my son and ask you to keep him safe. LOrd i pray that you would send someone in his life to lead him back towards the light of life and to turn away from the darkness engulfing his life. Please send a gentle whisper in his ear that lets him no i love him so much and i did not send him away in anger, but truly in love. I pray that his journey would lead him back to you Lord and back to his family. Please Lord, fill me with your grace and wisdom and strength as i wait upon YOu to do your heavenly work in his life.
I ask this in Jesus name.....