mirror mirror on the wall, who has the smallest butt of all......
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
“I think that whatever size or shape body you have, it's important to embrace it and get down! The female body is something that's so beautiful. I wish women would be proud of their bodies and not dis other women for being proud of theirs!”
How true. How simple. I wonder if its possible for this to actually happen. No matter what your size is, we should be allowed to feel proud of who we are, what we've accomplished. But so many times all of this is based on what we weigh, how in shape we are. As though somehow slimmer women deserve all the credit for being smarter, sexier, and have it all together. As we see by what goes on with the bold and the beautiful of hollywood, women who have sculpted bodies, whether by hardwork or surgery, self esteem and value is not found in the size of your waist.
Ive been MIA for a while now. Dealing with my son and life in general and basically.....i gave up. I got lazy, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My son said really really really cruel things to me in one of his drug induced states. And i tried my best to ignore it and to rationalize it..."hes high, what hes saying doesnt matter, hes a self absorbed cruel person.....hes become his father..." But no matter what i tried to say to protect myself from the devastion...slowly my wall of stoic resolve....started to crumble. I didnt sleep that night and the next morning a blanket of depression and self hatred clothed my total being. I couldnt stand to be in the same room as him. He spoke to me like nothing had happened the evening prior. And when i just couldnt stand being near him any longer, and feelings that were once love, now left the bitterness of hate, i had to go to the privacy of my bedroom. I turned on the tv, curled up on my bed with my kitty and completely, and totally fell apart. My worthiness could not be found. All my failures started haunting me. My ex's cruelness and the pain of my parents rejection over the years all became to much to handle and the tears came and came and came. Years of self loathing and disgust racked my body with heaving sobs and sounds i cant even describe came from deep within. I cried out to God that i needed Him more than ever because at that point i was so full of absolute dark hatred for all that had hurt me and broke my spirit. And i knew that if i did not let the Holy spirit take these emotions and replace them with forgiveness and love...i would enter into a dark place and maybe never come back. I continued to cry and release a lifetime of pain. At that point, i let go. I let go of the destructive feelings that others had brought into my life, but also let go of my own feeling s of self hatred. I forgave myself that i was not now, or ever perfect. That i had made gross mistakes that have hurt others . And i let go of my son. For now, he's on his own journey of self destruction and he doesnt want help or forgiveness, form himself or others. Hes motivated by hatred. And i knew that only God could lead him through this.
I dont like who ive become. I dont like that my weight is in the 300's. i dont like that my weight is holding me back from experiancing life, of being so afraid to fail that i dont get to succeed, i dont like that i have let others decide that because of my lack of taking care of myself, i am somehow unworthy of love, respect. I dont like that ive let others decide my future-that i wont lose this weight because ive tried before and lost the battle and not the weight, i dont like that when i look in the mirror , i dont no who it is looking back at me anymore.
ok, so im fat. Im still worthy. i still have value. i still contribute in many positive ways. and i have beauty. external and internal. i do indeed have the right to be happy with my looks, to enjoy wearing pretty clothes and accessories. i do get to be happy that while i must lose weight, i do enjoy being a woman with curves.
Slim, fat, overwieght, skinny, obese- so many words to describe our outward appearance. But none of them describe the road we've travelled and the scars we have from living life, from being survivors and not victims. So look at yourself and embrace the beauty you posses and lets empower one another to feel beautiful....NO MATTER WHAT. Size does not determine beauty. Its whats going on inside that does reflect on the outside . through your attitude, motives, speech, body language. Love yourself enough to let others love you and to love themselves.
Spread the love*spread the hope*spread the spark