mirror mirror on the wall, who has the smallest butt of all......

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Christina Aguilera

“I think that whatever size or shape body you have, it's important to embrace it and get down! The female body is something that's so beautiful. I wish women would be proud of their bodies and not dis other women for being proud of theirs!”

How true. How simple. I wonder if its possible for this to actually happen. No matter what your size is, we should be allowed to feel proud of who we are, what we've accomplished. But so many times all of this is based on what we weigh, how in shape we are. As though somehow slimmer women deserve all the credit for being smarter, sexier, and have it all together. As we see by what goes on with the bold and the beautiful of hollywood, women who have sculpted bodies, whether by hardwork or surgery, self esteem and value is not found in the size of your waist.

Ive been MIA for a while now. Dealing with my son and life in general and basically.....i gave up. I got lazy, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My son said really really really cruel things to me in one of his drug induced states. And i tried my best to ignore it and to rationalize it..."hes high, what hes saying doesnt matter, hes a self absorbed cruel person.....hes become his father..." But no matter what i tried to say to protect myself from the devastion...slowly my wall of stoic resolve....started to crumble. I didnt sleep that night and the next morning a blanket of depression and self hatred clothed my total being. I couldnt stand to be in the same room as him. He spoke to me like nothing had happened the evening prior. And when i just couldnt stand being near him any longer, and feelings that were once love, now left the bitterness of hate, i had to go to the privacy of my bedroom. I turned on the tv, curled up on my bed with my kitty and completely, and totally fell apart. My worthiness could not be found. All my failures started haunting me. My ex's cruelness and the pain of my parents rejection over the years all became to much to handle and the tears came and came and came. Years of self loathing and disgust racked my body with heaving sobs and sounds i cant even describe came from deep within. I cried out to God that i needed Him more than ever because at that point i was so full of absolute dark hatred for all that had hurt me and broke my spirit. And i knew that if i did not let the Holy spirit take these emotions and replace them with forgiveness and love...i would enter into a dark place and maybe never come back. I continued to cry and release a lifetime of pain. At that point, i let go. I let go of the destructive feelings that others had brought into my life, but also let go of my own feeling s of self hatred. I forgave myself that i was not now, or ever perfect. That i had made gross mistakes that have hurt others . And i let go of my son. For now, he's on his own journey of self destruction and he doesnt want help or forgiveness, form himself or others. Hes motivated by hatred. And i knew that only God could lead him through this.

I dont like who ive become. I dont like that my weight is in the 300's. i dont like that my weight is holding me back from experiancing life, of being so afraid to fail that i dont get to succeed, i dont like that i have let others decide that because of my lack of taking care of myself, i am somehow unworthy of love, respect. I dont like that ive let others decide my future-that i wont lose this weight because ive tried before and lost the battle and not the weight, i dont like that when i look in the mirror , i dont no who it is looking back at me anymore.

ok, so im fat. Im still worthy. i still have value. i still contribute in many positive ways. and i have beauty. external and internal. i do indeed have the right to be happy with my looks, to enjoy wearing pretty clothes and accessories. i do get to be happy that while i must lose weight, i do enjoy being a woman with curves.

Slim, fat, overwieght, skinny, obese- so many words to describe our outward appearance. But none of them describe the road we've travelled and the scars we have from living life, from being survivors and not victims. So look at yourself and embrace the beauty you posses and lets empower one another to feel beautiful....NO MATTER WHAT. Size does not determine beauty. Its whats going on inside that does reflect on the outside . through your attitude, motives, speech, body language. Love yourself enough to let others love you and to love themselves.

GOd Bless
Spread the love*spread the hope*spread the spark

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  • no profile photo CD9394210
    Hadn't been here for a while and I really feel sorry for you pain.
    Thank you for sharing. I pray that God touches your son soon so you can heal and move on.
    We are worth much more than our weight-but we have to convince ourselves of this.
    Your insides are beautiful and we are not our past mistakes.
    Don't give up! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3420 days ago
    Shelly hope you are doing well. Coming from similiar backgrounds I totally understand. Children step on your toes when they are babies and trample your heart when they grow up:(
    I had to step away from my daughter for a few months when she got really bad so I totally understand. Take care of yourself the past is the past and nobody NOBODY is a perfect parent. You got to do what you got to do and sometimes kids resent you for it.

    I think my biggest turning point was when I admitted and told my daughter that I truly wish I had left her with her father and that was my biggest mistake- keeping her and her sister cost me so much. They have tortured me for a decade. Her father was a piece of pooh but she idolized him (and slowly became just like him) I think that woke her up and it released me. I am worth fighting for. My health is important and I am remaining happy if she isn't or is. GOD loves me for who I am and he died for me to be happy- so it would be a sin not to embrace his peace. When I was going through the roughest times GOD kept telling me- if you are not in peace it is not from me, so don't answer the door to these people, don't pick up the phone, don't even ask how they are they are trying to steal your peace and that is my gift to you- don't let them around you. I stuck to my guns with his help and it worked. Even if your son lives with you throw him out and call the cops if he comes around. SAVE YOURSELF!!!! GOD does not want someone, especially your own child, treating you like that, so don't take it.

    HUGS keep fighting to save yourself!!!!
    3422 days ago
    What a revelation, indeed! You've come full circle! It is moments like this that I like to try to remember over and over again as I tend to have too many short-term memory losses when it comes to self-love. Your blog took a great deal of strength and courage to write. I believe this strength comes from the active and living faith walk that you have chosen to take: Praise God!

    When I look at my before and after photo 261 vs 161 lbs, I don't recognize either individual, but I know I was happy and celebrated life as a child of God regardless of my physical being. Now it's up to the choices we make in this life to treat our bodies with the respect God deserves . . . one meal at a time and one step at a time. Continue with the great courage you have. Walk confidently in the great love you have in your life.
    3431 days ago
    Bravo Shellie!! YES!!!!! YOU ARE A RAY OF LIGHT INTO A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y's WORLD!
    You've answered your own questions. You are VERY worth it!
    If he is like his dad, let him go live with him!

    3434 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    Kick him out Shellie girl! What are you waiting for? I'm not sure why you continue to let him hold you prisoner in your own home and abuse you? It's as if you think you deserve this kind of treatment?
    3435 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10614001

    You've been through a lot and it sounds like you're on the path to recovery!

    To me it takes a strong person to be so open, honest, and raw! I envy that in you! You left me with a lot to think about.

    You're going to get through this! I have no doubt!

    3435 days ago
    When you are dealing with an addict, the only thing you can control are your boundaries. Home is sanctuary and you never allow him to destroy your sanctuary. You won't be giving him shelter, you won't be giving him money, you can choose to meet him on occasion to buy him lunch and keep referring him to agencies in your area that treat addicts. He may not make it, but that will be because of what he chooses, not because of your choices AND, he may decide that he wants a life that is better than what he has and go into treatment.

    3435 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5770485
    "Slim, fat, overwieght, skinny, obese- so many words to describe our outward appearance. But none of them describe the road we've travelled and the scars we have from living life, from being survivors and not victims"

    This sentence gave me goose bumps! It's true...we've all travelled our own road. Everyone has "a story"...that is no reason to consider yourself "unworthy"...God is perfect and God made everyone. You are beautiful and you are loved. AND you have an impact on people EVERYDAY when you offer your support and encouragement! You have touched people's lives in ways you do not even know!

    Stay are going through some difficult times right now with your son. He loves you, but he's in a place where he can't express it right now. Prayers to you and your family that you will have peace once again and that your son will find his way.

    Stay beautiful! Thanks for such honesty in your blog...hoping for better days ahead.

    God Bless!

    3435 days ago
    Shellie, you had such a revelation. You are beautiful and worthy, as we all are. Why is it so easy to beat ourselves down? But so hard to lift ourselves up? You are also STRONG. You released soooo much with that cry, you opened yourself back up to living. Hang in there!! You can do whatever you want!!
    3435 days ago
    Sounds like you have been through a very dark time. Nobody can break our hearts like our kids. I like that you released it all and are on your way to a happy, healthier life because you know, you have to do it for yourself because you are worth caring about. Stay tough, mama...
    3435 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, but I'm glad to see that you're finding the positive.
    3435 days ago
    "May the Lord bless you and keep you.

    May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
    and be gracious to you.

    May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
    and give you peace."

    This is my favorite blessing and I wanted to share it with you.

    3435 days ago
  • SIMPS6
    You are so right. Remember throughout the day that you have brought inspiration to many by your blog. God does have a plan for us, he is just waiting for us to move out of his way so he can lead.

    Have a great God filled day

    3435 days ago
    Yes, you are a woman of BEAUTY. Yes, you are WORTHY. Yes, you have VALUE. Yes, you have things to CONTRIBUTE to this world.
    I pray that God wraps you up in his arms today and that he loves all over you.
    Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me that the change & forgiveness inside of me leads to real, true beauty.
    God Bless You!!
    3435 days ago
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