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Feelings of Despair and Desolation

Saturday, November 05, 2011

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT THE HAPPY SIDE OF THE JOURNEY. IF YOU DON’T LIKE READING ABOUT STRUGGLES PLEASE DON’T READ.

I have given a lot of thought about whether or not to post this blog but I decided that I need to be honest and hopefully getting this out there will help me come to terms with everything.

For a long time I have refused to admit one thing that in the back of my mind I have known was true because I have been afraid. I have tried to fight it and continue to deny it but unfortunately things are getting worse instead of better so I must come to terms with everything and try to figure out how to fix them. I am depressed. I know some people believe that the term depression is used as an excuse for people to be lazy and not get things done and honestly part of me has tried to tell myself that that is what has been happening with me, but I can’t continue to deny it.

Over the last six months or so things in my life have gotten progressively worse. I have had family members die, family members have surgery, and through it all I have become more and more isolated in my life. Through it all I have tried to put on a brave face and not let anyone see how I am really feeling and until recently it has been working. The problem is that it’s getting harder and harder to face things daily. I have noticed over the last few months that I have a more difficult time concentrating, I’m completely exhausted, and nothing I do seems to help. I could handle the concentration at first but it has crept into all aspects of my life. I find myself zoning out at work more times than not. I can’t sit through a television show (heaven forbid a movie) without fidgeting. I can’t sit down and read or write without getting up and doing something else about five to ten minutes in. The problem is that these issues aren’t just once in awhile anymore. I try hard to stay focused and some days I can but even then my mind wanders and oftentimes I end up in tears.

I thought I could make things better if I tried to explain things to those around me, but all they seem to do is tell me I’m wrong or I just need to try harder. That is if they done turn everything around and tell me I am being a drama queen because after all “I’m single and child-free” as if that automatically makes my life better and easier. It seems the more I try to reach out to those around me the more worthless I feel. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to pull myself out of this funk I have been stuck in and it scares me sometimes because I just seem to be sinking faster and spending more time wondering whether the fight is even worth it anymore.

What does this have to do with weight loss some might ask? Well in addition to spiraling out of control I have been stuck at a plateau weight wise for the last five months. Sure I have gone down about a size and a half, but my weight has been pretty much the same (although it fluctuates up and done by 2 pounds). Until this last month I had been religious about my workouts but lately I fight to do them because I am so exhausted. The month of October sucked for me fitness wise although I have been trying to be better this month.

My exhaustion not only affects my workouts but also my nutrition. My calories average out where they should be (although I often question what exactly that number is since the scale doesn’t seem to move) but I find myself doing protein shakes more and more because I don’t have the energy or desire to cook. I know I need to eat better but when it’s a fight to get out of bed the choice often goes between workout and homemade food and the workout tends to win.

I know I probably sound like I’m whining and being all poor me, but that isn’t it. I’m scared because I have never been this low before. I am starting to think I need help and that scares me for so many reasons. I hate asking people for help and I can’t afford it. So this week I will do some searches and try to come up with some homeopathic remedies. Who knows, maybe now that I have admitted it to myself I will be able to start climbing out of this pit and get back on the losing side of the weight loss journey.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTDUCKY1405
    Ohhhh... I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to see this! I feel your pain, so much, that this could have been my blog... :( I'm so glad you shared!

    emoticon That was pretty much my face the whole time, while reading your blog. Not in shock of your feelings, but to how closely I can relate.

    Know that you are not alone... I care about you and love you too!

    And darn rights you've been rocking fitness! One of my most faithful and dedicated challenge participants!

    I hope you are feeling better and that these feelings are in the past!

    Do take care! And Happy New Year!
    3391 days ago
  • TRANSFORMWE
    Hugs. Depression is real. You are not lazy or lacking in willpower. And you certainly don't sound like you're whining. You are describing all the symptoms of clinical depression. Depression is a biological illness as real as heart disease or cancer which can be just as fatal as those known killers if left untreated.
    You have done a fantastic job battling this so far -- I commend you for choosing to continue your workouts - exercise has been shown to have antidepressant effects. However, if we were meant to go it alone, there would be only one of us here. There is no shame in seeking help. I'm so sorry that the people around you aren't able to understand and support you the way you need. Keep looking! People have mentioned low-cost resources. If you have a doctor, that's a great place to start.
    And cut yourself some slack. You're going through a rough time. Maybe now is not the time to focus on losing more weight, but just to nurture yourself. Cherish your body and take care of it with exercise and healthy foods as best you can. It sounds like you're been doing fantastic at that--Protein shakes are way better than junk food and a quick way to get some nutrition into you when you don't have the energy to cook. Scaling back the pace at which you achieve your goals is not the same as giving up.
    3446 days ago
  • RAVENSONG37
    What you are describing is real and valid. Please know you aren't alone in this and there is hope. See if you can talk to a professional. They won't tell you to just get over it or judge you... I have been where you are and if you ever want to talk, I'm here. Hugs. I'm thinking of you.
    3446 days ago
  • TATTER3
    I want you to know you're not alone. Seasons ebb and flow and our emotions follow in the same manner. You have a good grip on how you react to adverse situations and are smart enough to know that even though you have a bad event today, tomorrow is always a new start. Breathe slowly and stay focused. Cry when you need to, laugh every chance you get and just keep Sparkin'! I've been where you are and will see those days again...that's life...and we make it as good as we can, support others along the way and have the faith that we can do anything with God's help. Keep going! Days will be more stable...we believe in you!
    3447 days ago
  • BRADOS
    Hey Becky - long time since we last talked

    first thing - No, I don't think you need to worry about any reasonable person equating depression with laziness or willpower - I would bet most people here know someone in their circle of family and friends who have faced it - I know our family has - and its really something to take seriously. You have been honest and brave enough to journal about this and now you just need to be brave enough to go one step further

    and thats my second point - please don't think you can't afford it - first do this, call Lutheran Social Services (don't worry - your religion is not a prerequisite - trust me - I know :) and setup an initial talk with them - they provide good counseling services across the state on a sliding fee-based charge system so that those who can't afford it pay far less and find that they probably can afford it - please check it out - I bet you won't be sparkmailing me that it was a complete waste of your time - but feel free to do that if I am wrong

    I think you will find out that
    a) it helps to talk to someone (someone trained to help)
    b) you may feel a little pressure off your shoulders having the start of a plan - I know many times my anxiety comes from not knowing what to do next, and having at least an idea of what I will do next - helps at least a little bit

    emoticon
    3447 days ago
  • GALINAZ
    Please, please call your doctor, a pastor or a help line and talk to them about how your are feeling. Depression is an ILLNESS and can be debilitating. You may need medication or talk therapy or both but it is important you take care of your feelings just like you take care of your diet. Let me know how you are doing.
    3448 days ago
  • TANYAP71
    Hugs. Depression sucks. I'm sorry that your IRL supports do not understand anxiety & depression. I hope you find sone way to cope with and recover from the anxiety & depression you are dealing with.
    3448 days ago
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