The mental side of weight loss - at least for me.
Friday, November 11, 2011
This one started out as a response to a blog about a woman who has lost 100 pounds and is still quite obese, but started getting to long for a response:
I've been saying for some time now that there is a huge mental part to weight loss. Even after you loose weight you have to "learn" how to deal with yourself in a new way! Having lost 110 pounds - and still at least 20 from goal - Goal being the upper limit of a "healthy" bmi - I'm still having a difficult time accepting myself. And this is with maintaining weight loss for 2 1/2 years now. Sparkpeople strongly encourages us to "reward" ourselves for reaching goals. I have a difficult time doing that. Why should I do something nice for myself for doing something I should be doing already? Who do I think I am? Sometimes we find there is so much more going on - going wrong - don't know if wrong is the right word, with ourselves that when we start resolving one of our issues in my case being morbidly obese - now I'm "just" overweight, the other issues stick their ugly heads out saying "deal with me now, if you dare!"
Why was I overweight? I blamed genetics - Dad's family was overweight - story was when grandpap passed away they couldn't carry him down the stairs of his Hell's Kitchen tenement house they hoisted him out the window.
I blamed - not having the money to buy much more than macaroni and cheese and ground beef to feed my family while my husband was laid off or under employed (for over 90% of our marriage) and before I started teaching, then substitute taught and finally started full time - not much money for many years so we ate cheap. I'd try to go for walks - but it "was hard to all the time with three young children" ~ another excuse.
Truth is, I haven't liked myself for a very long time. When you don't like yourself a) you aren't nice to yourself, b) you don't take care of yourself, c) you don't understand why anyone else would like you (that's the one bothering me the most right now), d) you are hard on yourself.
I don't know why I don't like me. Most of the time I'm aware others do - some even love me - go figure - why?????
They say I'm nice, I'm caring and compassionate, I'm understanding. I say -" well that's just the way everyone is supposed to be - I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing. No big deal." I have one very dear friend who says I'm the only one in her life that doesn't make her angry. And at first I took that as a compliment (Which I'm pretty sure is how she meant it) but my negative thought processes are turning this around to think "maybe we aren't as close as I thought, cause everyone gets mad at the people they care about" right? On one hand I know this is just my - mind messing with me - I don't know how to stop it. I want to stop it!
I don't allow myself to do anything wrong, but when I do, I don't forgive myself. I forgive others or at least try my best to; I know not forgiving others hurts only me - not them so much. But I can't get it through my head to forgive myself. I don't know why.
But I'm working on it. And working on it hurts - as that dear friend gave me the analogy - it's like cleaning house -sometimes you make it messier before it is all cleaned up.
Hoping this makes sense and I didn't ramble anyone to be bored to tears - I shed enough typing this out. My daughter - who is wise beyond her years is encouraging me to put my thoughts into live journal - I'd rather do it here with my friends, she says that helps to get things off my chest. So here it is - Not wanting sympathy - just trying to sort things out.