my heart has to catch up to my head
Monday, January 30, 2012
well the day finally came. i had to tell my son he just couldnt live here anymore. its been probably at least 4 months since ive been here with friends trying to get healthy and reaching out to others. my whole life stopped because i got consumed by his addiction.
my breaking point was on his birthday(jan 25) i was making him his orea cheesecake and i got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that behind his closed door he was doing something he shouldnt be doing. so without even knocking i flung open his door wide. and i was right. he scrambled to put away his foil and lighter and spoon and pill but i had seen it. my heart sank and my heart shattered into millions of pieces. hot salty tears just started streaming down my face. he actually got angry that i had ruined his birthday, that this was the "one" day that he should be able to take his happy pill with out any grief from me. i fired back that what he was doing was illegal 365 days of the year! he shot back with venomous cruel words that were meant to crumple me. but long ago his words had stopped hurting me. i had made peace with the fact that i am free to love my son but hate the addiction and who he became on drugs. i owed that person absolutely nothing. and i gave absoltutely nothing to that person. but as time has gone on, my son is being taken over more and more by his addiction and i see very few glimpses of my son anymore. and what i can not tolerate is the verbal assault he attacks my husband and my daughter with. i can not give him a battle ground to make victims of all of us and then turn around and tell everyone else this is our home.
so its time to get back to living my life. finding outwhat it is God wants me to do with my life, taking care of my health, nuturing my marriage and just not being a prisoner to my sons addiction. he has made this choice for himself. and by letting him stay here i have given him permission to seek out this lifestyle and to slowly destroy each of us.
while my heart is still aching and has not healed, i have finally exhaled. i no longer sit and wait and wonder when the next attack and explosion was gonna take place and just how much more of my daughters self esteem he was gonna destroy.
i spent the weekend educating my beautiful step daughter(13 yrs old) about drugs and the tools used and how there is no such thing as just trying it once. i cleaned out his room and scrubbed it of the residue of smoking, cooking pills . and i cried. i mourned the loss of my son. oh there is a person out there that looks like my son and can manipulate his words to sound like my son in the hopes of making me think theres a hope he'll change....if i just give in to him one more time. but- my son- is gone. the addiction now takes his every breath, has taken his dreams, his hopes and most of his family members. but my love cannot save him and in fact is doing the opposite. my love is what is giving him that safe place that allows him to keep pushing his boundaries and taking life threating risks. so i let him go. i love him. i pray daily for him. and- oh i miss him. but one day, without even knowing its happened, my heart will catch up to my head and i will be able to go thru my day and know its ok to smile, to be happy, to feel peace.
And just when i had started to let myself not be responsible for his choices and carry his blame, the phone rang. and i heard his voice. the trembling in his voice, the pleading to come home that things will be different this time. my resolve started to shake. but after i hung up, i cried out to God for His deliverance from these emotions and to grant me the strength and wisdom and grace to stay firm. And He was faithful. The peace came and the guilt left. i no that the only way my son willhave any chance at having a life, is for me to take away his safety net.
love is never easy. doing the right thing will always cost you. but stay firm. and dont rely on yourself or friends or family to give you the strength to be delivered from all this...seek God. Only He has the strength you will need to carry this thru.
Spread the hope*spread the love*spread the spark
For the sake of Christ,then, I am content with weakness,insults,hardships,per
secutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Casting all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.