my heart has to catch up to my head

Monday, January 30, 2012

well the day finally came. i had to tell my son he just couldnt live here anymore. its been probably at least 4 months since ive been here with friends trying to get healthy and reaching out to others. my whole life stopped because i got consumed by his addiction.
my breaking point was on his birthday(jan 25) i was making him his orea cheesecake and i got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that behind his closed door he was doing something he shouldnt be doing. so without even knocking i flung open his door wide. and i was right. he scrambled to put away his foil and lighter and spoon and pill but i had seen it. my heart sank and my heart shattered into millions of pieces. hot salty tears just started streaming down my face. he actually got angry that i had ruined his birthday, that this was the "one" day that he should be able to take his happy pill with out any grief from me. i fired back that what he was doing was illegal 365 days of the year! he shot back with venomous cruel words that were meant to crumple me. but long ago his words had stopped hurting me. i had made peace with the fact that i am free to love my son but hate the addiction and who he became on drugs. i owed that person absolutely nothing. and i gave absoltutely nothing to that person. but as time has gone on, my son is being taken over more and more by his addiction and i see very few glimpses of my son anymore. and what i can not tolerate is the verbal assault he attacks my husband and my daughter with. i can not give him a battle ground to make victims of all of us and then turn around and tell everyone else this is our home.
so its time to get back to living my life. finding outwhat it is God wants me to do with my life, taking care of my health, nuturing my marriage and just not being a prisoner to my sons addiction. he has made this choice for himself. and by letting him stay here i have given him permission to seek out this lifestyle and to slowly destroy each of us.
while my heart is still aching and has not healed, i have finally exhaled. i no longer sit and wait and wonder when the next attack and explosion was gonna take place and just how much more of my daughters self esteem he was gonna destroy.
i spent the weekend educating my beautiful step daughter(13 yrs old) about drugs and the tools used and how there is no such thing as just trying it once. i cleaned out his room and scrubbed it of the residue of smoking, cooking pills . and i cried. i mourned the loss of my son. oh there is a person out there that looks like my son and can manipulate his words to sound like my son in the hopes of making me think theres a hope he'll change....if i just give in to him one more time. but- my son- is gone. the addiction now takes his every breath, has taken his dreams, his hopes and most of his family members. but my love cannot save him and in fact is doing the opposite. my love is what is giving him that safe place that allows him to keep pushing his boundaries and taking life threating risks. so i let him go. i love him. i pray daily for him. and- oh i miss him. but one day, without even knowing its happened, my heart will catch up to my head and i will be able to go thru my day and know its ok to smile, to be happy, to feel peace.
And just when i had started to let myself not be responsible for his choices and carry his blame, the phone rang. and i heard his voice. the trembling in his voice, the pleading to come home that things will be different this time. my resolve started to shake. but after i hung up, i cried out to God for His deliverance from these emotions and to grant me the strength and wisdom and grace to stay firm. And He was faithful. The peace came and the guilt left. i no that the only way my son willhave any chance at having a life, is for me to take away his safety net.
love is never easy. doing the right thing will always cost you. but stay firm. and dont rely on yourself or friends or family to give you the strength to be delivered from all God. Only He has the strength you will need to carry this thru.

God bless
Spread the hope*spread the love*spread the spark

For the sake of Christ,then, I am content with weakness,insults,hardships,per
secutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:10

The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Casting all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.
1Peter 5:7
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    excellent birthday gift--you gave him the push that may lead him towards recovery. nothing could change without that push.
    3321 days ago
  • HRENEE40
    Oh honey...I'm so sorry. I've watched friends go thru this with their siblings and kids and I can't even imagine what you're going thru. Big hugs and I think focusing on yourself and being kind to YOU is an excellent plan. Nice to see you back!

    3321 days ago
    emoticon What a wonderful thing you have done! My mother refused to do that and my brother kept expecting others to take care of him even after her death. The only good thing to come of my brother's addiction is that my son won't touch alcohol, cigarettes or anything else that could lead to addiction. He saw how ugly it could be before he was 5. I had to release my baby brother 14 years ago because of the effect he was having on my family. God Bless You! emoticon
    3321 days ago
    I am proud of you for being in your right mind.
    In the story of the prodigal son, when eating with the pigs, it said "he came to his right mind and said I will arise."
    Ya know- all of us have those things we are ashamed of.
    Me sometimes I'm the pig!!! but many more times I come to my right mind.
    I am proud of you, YOU HAVE not only said I will arise, you have risen to the occaision1"
    Just keep on with that which is good excellent and praiseworthy... and ALL Things will work together for good.
    Your son will have his day too.

    I am glad your daughter is able to see that sin is costly, not just to the sinner, but to those who love them. It makes us want to make better choices in every area of our life, not just for our self, but for those who love us. I am sure she is proud of your lifestyle and eating changes and loves you for your success.

    CONGRATS on one more hurddle that is behind you.

    g emoticon
    3321 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11470233
    wow! Hard stuff, having been there not as a parent but, as a sister, I can relate. My sister is very sick in her addiction, I can't allow her to abuse me anymore, or expose my young child to her bizarre behaviors.

    I am so proud of you!

    I continue to pray that my mom finds the strength to do what you have done. It could very well be his ticket to recovery!
    3321 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/30/2012 6:21:55 PM
  • REENIE131
    I'm so sorry :( I can imagine few things tougher that we, as parents, have to do. You did the right thing, and I'm glad you're finding peace with it.

    Prayers to you and your family.
    3321 days ago
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