Realization of worth.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Well, it certainly has been awhile since I've written a blog. Most of the time I feel like I have so much to say... but there's just no way to say it all, and so I don't.
So here I am. I got through the worst of my treatment. I only have until the middle of March until I finish it completely, but at least I don't have to eat all that awful, fatty food anymore. I've finally gotten (mostly) back into an exercise regime and eating healthfully has never been more exciting. Having to eat all that junk for 12 weeks made me think back to when I would eat anything and everything I wanted as a kid/teenager and how disgusting I always felt... now I truly can see why. That stuff is no good. I did what I had to do though and I'm proud of myself for it.
Now on to the real reason that brought me to write this today. I think I've written about it before, and if not oh well, but my "best" friend was sentenced to 9 months in prison last summer because of her drug addiction. She just couldn't manage to stay clean even long enough to make it through her probation period. So she just got released last weekend, and of course one of the first things she does (I assume) is send me a message asking me where I am. Well, how nice of you not to forget about me, I thought. And I truly meant that. But... over these past 9 months I have managed, not to move on so much, but to create a whole different kind of life for myself. I can't say that I've neccesarily been happy or content, but I have been living in a healthier way. And I've been dealing with depression and contradictions and trying to remain sober myself. All without her. And isn't it funny that now that she's back and probably doesn't have the same people to run to anymore... that she comes running back to me? Probably because she knows I was always there. I was ALWAYS the one person who remained in her life, no matter what, through whatever nonsense and insanity she conjured up for herself. You know what I've realized these past several months? That I'M worth remaining in one spot for MYSELF. I deserve saving, moreso than anyone else around me. Sure, that sounds selfish. But how can we do anything, love anyone... if we don't put ourselves first? If we don't take care of this one life that we have? I can't say what's going to happen between me and her. It saddens me that my friendship will never ever be the same or if it will even exist ever again... along with the anger and hurt... but at the same time, I feel a sense of happiness and relief that I see all this now and that I'm starting (finally!) to see how much I really am worth.
And that's that. It feels really good to get that out. I'll have to do this more often.