the addiction,the addict and the battles
Thursday, February 02, 2012
this is to my son and to all who have fought, win or lose and addiction
so the hard choice of telling my son he could no longer live here finally had to happen. i thought that would be the hardest thing i had ever had to do. Nope. having him call me and leave messages on facebook have been unbearable. staying firm with my decision....now that is the absolute hardest part.
i've had it said to me that i dont no how hard it is to quit, that i dont no what its like to have your body crave the drug and drive you crazy. and ive been told i have no idea whats involved in quitting, that its not so much the physical but its more the mental.
well ive got news for all of you that think this way. ive never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. my addiction is my kids and loving them. to the point where i didnt make appropriate choices as a mother and let my addiction allow them to then develop thier own.
when my kids were little i was mom of the year. my life centred around them, and guiding them and providing the best life i could for them. but they grew up. and they didnt need me as much or in the same way. but i still needed them. i didnt no how to be anything but mom. my identity went through a major crisis. so as they entered teen years, instead of having rules and consequences, anything went. because my addiction was them, all of them. i couldnt stand it if they were mad at me or not talk to me. and i entered a very dark time where i even partied with them and particpated in a lifestyle that led us all down a dark path. i was supposed to be there to guide them, direct them, and i wasnt, i was filling my needs by participating with them.
and now, im trying to help my son battle his addiction. and my body craves and aches to have him home. to hear his laughter. and i tolerated any of his behaviours to feed my addiction. allowing him to do whatever he wanted just so my addiction of having him here was fed. and each time i took care of him, made him a meal, did his laundry...i got my "high"...my "fix" and i convinced myself with the lies that everything i was doing was making a difference, that he would see how much i love him and he would chose ME over his addiction. but i was wrong. each and every time i was wrong. it was never about me. but that was part of my addiction. thinking that my love would get him just as high and fend off the cravings as him taking his pills. and every time he chose the addiction, i got worse. more determined to save him, to fix him. cuz that was part of my addiction as well. when i was doing things for him i felt my body get excited with an energy i didnt normally have, my emotions were all over the place, even the hair on my head would start to tingle. all of this was a reaction to my habit being fed. and he would thank me for whatever it was i had done for him and tell me the words that kept me coming back for me..thanks mom..i love you......just stick a needle in my veins. it has the very same effect. when you enable someone you love, you take on the personality of a junkie, and like the junkie, you find excuses to keep on doing it and justifying it to your family and friends.
so my addiction no longer lives with me. and my body and soul is very definitely going thru withdrawls. i cant sleep. and when i do get some, its images of my son much younger, much happier, and i can hear laughter and joy in his voice and not self hatred and anger, and when im awake, randomly my mind will stray to memories, always with him in the centre of the memories, i hear his voice when noone else is around, i sit and watch and wait for him to come home from work, i close my eyes and see his mischievious little smile, just before he asks for something to eat. and when i do try and eat, it ends up a hard cement like ball in the pit of my stomach. and in a matter of minutes, anything i had consumed is in the toilet. and im so tempted to give in to my body cravings and feed my addiction and just say"come home son" . but while my heart screams at me to let him come back, my head is calmly saying , "no" if he comes back, things will go back to the way they were, if not worse. and perhaps the most ironic part of all this is, I'M the one my son is saying that is not believing in him, that I"M the one who has given up on him. if he ony knew just how much i do understand this living life with an addiction and your only purpose is to keep feeding it. if he could only see that his weakness has finally given me the strength to reclaim my role as mother and fight my need to feed my addictions so that i can be there for him and help him start to let go of what imprisons him.
so, my son and all those battling addictions...dont try and tell me the YOU are the only one going thru anything, that i dont have any idea how you feel. heres something for you to consider....your addiction just doesnt consume you, it takes prisoner of all those that love you and we go thru hell too!!!!!!
spread the love*spread the hope*spread the spark