the addiction,the addict and the battles

Thursday, February 02, 2012

this is to my son and to all who have fought, win or lose and addiction

so the hard choice of telling my son he could no longer live here finally had to happen. i thought that would be the hardest thing i had ever had to do. Nope. having him call me and leave messages on facebook have been unbearable. staying firm with my that is the absolute hardest part.

i've had it said to me that i dont no how hard it is to quit, that i dont no what its like to have your body crave the drug and drive you crazy. and ive been told i have no idea whats involved in quitting, that its not so much the physical but its more the mental.

well ive got news for all of you that think this way. ive never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. my addiction is my kids and loving them. to the point where i didnt make appropriate choices as a mother and let my addiction allow them to then develop thier own.

when my kids were little i was mom of the year. my life centred around them, and guiding them and providing the best life i could for them. but they grew up. and they didnt need me as much or in the same way. but i still needed them. i didnt no how to be anything but mom. my identity went through a major crisis. so as they entered teen years, instead of having rules and consequences, anything went. because my addiction was them, all of them. i couldnt stand it if they were mad at me or not talk to me. and i entered a very dark time where i even partied with them and particpated in a lifestyle that led us all down a dark path. i was supposed to be there to guide them, direct them, and i wasnt, i was filling my needs by participating with them.

and now, im trying to help my son battle his addiction. and my body craves and aches to have him home. to hear his laughter. and i tolerated any of his behaviours to feed my addiction. allowing him to do whatever he wanted just so my addiction of having him here was fed. and each time i took care of him, made him a meal, did his laundry...i got my "high" "fix" and i convinced myself with the lies that everything i was doing was making a difference, that he would see how much i love him and he would chose ME over his addiction. but i was wrong. each and every time i was wrong. it was never about me. but that was part of my addiction. thinking that my love would get him just as high and fend off the cravings as him taking his pills. and every time he chose the addiction, i got worse. more determined to save him, to fix him. cuz that was part of my addiction as well. when i was doing things for him i felt my body get excited with an energy i didnt normally have, my emotions were all over the place, even the hair on my head would start to tingle. all of this was a reaction to my habit being fed. and he would thank me for whatever it was i had done for him and tell me the words that kept me coming back for me..thanks mom..i love you......just stick a needle in my veins. it has the very same effect. when you enable someone you love, you take on the personality of a junkie, and like the junkie, you find excuses to keep on doing it and justifying it to your family and friends.

so my addiction no longer lives with me. and my body and soul is very definitely going thru withdrawls. i cant sleep. and when i do get some, its images of my son much younger, much happier, and i can hear laughter and joy in his voice and not self hatred and anger, and when im awake, randomly my mind will stray to memories, always with him in the centre of the memories, i hear his voice when noone else is around, i sit and watch and wait for him to come home from work, i close my eyes and see his mischievious little smile, just before he asks for something to eat. and when i do try and eat, it ends up a hard cement like ball in the pit of my stomach. and in a matter of minutes, anything i had consumed is in the toilet. and im so tempted to give in to my body cravings and feed my addiction and just say"come home son" . but while my heart screams at me to let him come back, my head is calmly saying , "no" if he comes back, things will go back to the way they were, if not worse. and perhaps the most ironic part of all this is, I'M the one my son is saying that is not believing in him, that I"M the one who has given up on him. if he ony knew just how much i do understand this living life with an addiction and your only purpose is to keep feeding it. if he could only see that his weakness has finally given me the strength to reclaim my role as mother and fight my need to feed my addictions so that i can be there for him and help him start to let go of what imprisons him.

so, my son and all those battling addictions...dont try and tell me the YOU are the only one going thru anything, that i dont have any idea how you feel. heres something for you to consider....your addiction just doesnt consume you, it takes prisoner of all those that love you and we go thru hell too!!!!!!

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  • no profile photo CD9394210
    emoticon emoticon Hang in there! emoticon
    3305 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3307 days ago
    Oh my. Honey, I've been in your shoes. It IS the most difficult thing in the world to do the tough parenting that you have to do to hopefully save your child!

    My DS left home @ age 18 -- 2 days after his birthday, ill equipped to support himself. It was heartbreaking. BUT that was his choice, and we could do nothing about it. His actions throughout high school caused such stress and upheaval that it ruined my emotional, spiritual and physical health. Totally. So . . . once he left, I had to just mentally just accept that and I did that. . . with lots of tears and sleepless nights (who am I kidding . . . throughout the day too!) Anyway, he did get evicted from the apt. he had after blowing through every penny of his savings. EVERY SINGLE DIME! He wanted to come back here to live in April 2011 after his eviction, but he was not in charge of his daddictions @ all . . . not even trying. So, we had to say NO. DH was certainly NOT in agreement, but I just was firm . . . he CANNOT be here with his habits around our 16 yo daughter! I will NOT allow it. Let's just say for awhile it caused a major amt. of friction in our marriage. BUT we worked it out.

    Flash forward . . . he DID clean up his act and I reluctantly allowed him to move back in but he had to sign an agreement with the realization that if he violated ANY rule, he was out. Period. All was in writing. So . . . then in July, after he moved in, he enlisted in the Army! Shocked both DH and I, but privately we had thought this would be a good option for him. He ended up making the decision on his own. THAT has been a turning point in his life. I can't say he's perfect BUT he definitely is trying a lot harder, is NOT back to his old habits and KNOWS the consequences.

    He does leave for basic training on March 5th, so I honestly do feel kind of sad about that, as he is a much better person than he was before he left in Aug. 2010.

    Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. Just want to let you know, you're not alone, you're thought of, it's tough but keep your head and heart on the same page and strong. You're doing the right thing. No matter what the addiction, the addict HAS to hit their bottom (even though we certainly reach it a lot sooner than they do!) and that's the only thing that is going to push them to get help and take care of themselves.

    HUGS! Take care of YOU
    3318 days ago
    Sometimes we need to make decisions that hurt but they are for the better-- good luck with your new peace.
    3318 days ago
    It sounds like you are making some very difficult choices. sometime we have incorrect definitions of "love". No one wants to be the strict one and it is very hard to stand up an be strong to do what may be right, but it is not fun.

    Unfortunatly there are a lot of people who have to get kicked out of their house and loose everything but the still don't want to quit their addiction. I saw 1 show where a guy was going back to rehab because his mom, grandma, stepmom and a hadful of aunts/uncles kicked him out because of his drugs. He lost several jobs. He still did not want to quit.
    3318 days ago
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