Living for ONE day..today

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Please, find Inspiration in my blog..it is meant to inspire you.

Last night I stood next to my mother's hospital bed, holding her hand and crying, with her. In one of the rare moments yesterday, my mother recognized me long enough to say that she loved me and didn't want to go. She hasn't gone as of yet, she remains stable, but the doctor has given me two days to make a choice, she lives on a machine or I let her go naturally. She has about 5% chance of living without the machine.

Have you ever been in this position? This is terrible drama for a fat person with an emotion eating disorder. You may be asking yourself how I could write such a blog detailing my life. Like Snowangeldiva who dances when sad, happy and for pure joy, I write. I suppose it is therapeutic for me just as her dancing is to my dear friend. Even with that said my eyes are blinding me with tears so it is a good thing I can type without looking at the keys. My friends, I hurt so bad I can't stand it. I am scared to lose the one constant person who has loved me unconditionally my whole life. My mother is not just my mama, she is my best friend, she is the one person who stood by me when I was raped, through my addictions of drugs, alcohol.and my ever present food addiction. When I was 536 pounds, my mother was the only person, besides my children, who looked at me without disgust and didn't treat me as if I didn't matter.

One of my mother's last wishes has been for me to get my life back. At 536 pounds my life wasn't a life. I sat day after day on the couch, sleeping on the couch and eating on the couch, because that is what I could do. My mother believed in me that I could do more, but I didn't believe I could. About a year ago, just after all this began, my journey of a healthier lifestyle, she confided in me that she was afraid to die due to the fact she no longer thought I could take care of myself and that I would leave my children motherless. I can't begin to tell you how much joy my mother has had seeing me drop over 200 pounds, because I can get up without crying in pain, I can go into places...most of that is due to self esteem, my drive for life is coming back slowly but for sure, I get up when something is needed...this used to be a real issue. Everyone had to cater to me, now I can cater to everyone and wow is that a good feeling.

When people look at me they do see someone who is over 300 pounds, but now they are starting to open up to me, confide in me and I finally have a friend here, Martina. Martina is a person I have grown to adore as my newest and only friend in this town. She sees me for me, just like mom. I need that now more then ever. I know that 300 pounds is HUGE to anyone, but to me I feel so darn skinny compared to what I once was.

Okay, now I am rambling. If you only read one part of my blog, PLEASE READ THIS PART.

Living for one day!

My mother, who had a very hard life, taught me to be tough on the outside. Most people are scared to death of me, to me this is so silly, but my outside doesn't match my insides of who I am. My mother was so hurt in her life that she became a fierce storm to be reckoned with. No matter what happened in my mother's life she would be ready to take it on, never once did I see her back down or run and hide from anything or anyone. Me? The chicken of it all really, I would rather bury my head in sand and let her tackle those issues for me. Imagine how I gained all this weight?!

My mother was never happy. I don't think ever in her life honestly. She was in a car accident with her younger brothers and sisters, her mother and her drunken father. Everyone was killed except her father and her. She wasn't allowed as a child to talk to her father and was given to her grandparents that even at that time were elderly and had grown senile by the time she was preteen age. No one to take her or able to take her, she ended up in an orphanage and alone. By the time she was 17 yrs old she lived on the streets and learned how to do odd jobs to make money and live. Then she had me, I am sure one of her biggest regrets due to the fact she had such a hard time taking care of herself and then adding me on to it as well. My father, no help to her, was a drunk, a mobster and unknown to her at the time was a married man. I guess you can see her life just didn't get easier.

She was always, and I do mean always living for the big "ONE" day, when our lives would change for the good. When we wouldn't have to worry about how to not go hungry, which she did often to feed her children.

Her ONE day never came. She married a man who ultimately ruined the rest of her life. He beat her severely making her wear black and blue glasses daily and refused to let her go until the day he died. She had to move just to get any relief from him, but he would follow her and move around the corner from her, as crazy as he was he thought this was love. She never allowed herself to fall in love or have a relationship again in her life. This was her choice, one she made on conscience level, but one I know she must have regretted at some point in her life as she was young when she made this choice. For someone to do this, you know she must have gone through some real hell that I can't explain to you here without it being ten blogs long. I can only tell you that the life we had at that time was beyond terrifying, beyond explanation because very few people no what it is to live a life with that kind of monster and be fearful of every move you made not to set the monster in motion. In motion meant beatings and rapes for my dear mother. If you read a previous blog of mine, I explain this monster as being the one who would lock me into the closet when my mother wasn't home and would hang me with a belt, just enough so I wouldn't die. Even now as I write this I can feel the coldness and darkness of the closet and the fear I felt knowing he could do much worse and often told me how that much worse could or would be.

In the past week, I have gorged myself with food. Anything to help forget and comfort me. I have regained seven previous pounds I had lost. My mind knew better, but my body wanted a release, it was either that or go back to drinking the bottle of rum I bought that sits here in my hand. One drink of this and I will lose my ONE day. One more drop of bad food and I will lose my ONE day.

Last night I cried, God, what else do you want from me and mama? In the past two and a half months I have lost my stable home, lost of one my best friends, lost a nursing home patient I dearly loved, and now my mama which is by far the biggest loss I will have lost thus far in my life. How am I to make choices that I don't think I can live with? Where or what is the lesson here?

God answered me this morning. He made me get up out of bed even though I didn't want to. He made me feel pain, even though I didn't want to. He is making me confront my choices and made me realize today is a new day and eating unhealthy is not going to change the choices in front of me.
All of a sudden I remembered the conversation my mother had with me about living and one day I would be happy and healthy again. I didn't tell her at the time, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. Then like a ton of brick it came to me...her one day would never ever be there for her. She knew this..knows this. This is why she kept pushing for me to have a chance to have one more day.

You may say this is a sad blog, but this blog is NOT sad darlings. It is a renew of everything good that can happen. I am going to make that ONE day happen, for me, my children and my dearest mother.

After everything I just poured out of my heart and laid on the line in this blog, I hope you too will feel inspired to stand up and take your ONE day. Start living for today, even if you are 500 pounds. We don't have much time in life, so feeling regrets is not going to make life better...we need to reach for life NOW, because your ONE day could slip by like mama's has. YOU must start taking care of YOU! Never allow yourself to live the life of regrets I have. Please, don't beat yourself up over a few pounds..just get back on track...stay on track or whatever makes you happy.

Am I happy? NO, I am not. I have to make a choice in the next couple of days that could end my mother's life. No one in her right mind would be happy. My comfort no matter what is knowing that my mother's ONE day will happen in heaven, that GOD will give her that ONE day, because she has lived hell already and she deserves so much more.

I find myself at the Fork in the road. In a few weeks from now, I believe my mother, my best friend, will be gone, my housing will vanish and I will find myself on the ONE day trip. When I have the last talk with my mother..even if she can't respond, I am going to tell her that my ONE day is coming, that I am going to find a new house, find someone that is willing to give me a chance again to work and a road to happiness and success. I am most of all going to beat this weight loss battle and I am going to do that right here at Spark People, which by the way she LOVES. She has it linked to her personal page and reads everything she can on it. She feels like Spark really helped save my life and the friends that I have found here are invaluable assets to my life. She is right.

I love Spark People, I adore all my friends here and most of all I love the support, friendship and the constant unconditional friendship you provide me. No one makes me feel as if I am not good enough, in fact, you make me feel like a super star, so all in all I would say that having my one day starts right here with Spark People.

I hope that if you read this to the end you will feel inspired to keep moving on in your life, grab your ONE day, that is today and live NOW no matter what your size, your issues, addictions or personal life. YOU and I are going to be here and we are going to make our ONE days..everyday.

Most likely, I won't be one after today for some time, due to all the things in my life. However, I want you to know that I am here in spirit and that I am thinking, praying and holding each of you in my heart. I can't tell you how much I miss you all and watching and sharing your life and journey. Please give me time to return, BUT please don't leave me by the waste side. I will be back..

Love to all and God Bless!

Your dear friend always,

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2893 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9527083
    Wow. You posted this blog some time ago and I read it today. Thank you I needed this.
    3192 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11169568
    This is an amazing blog, it is right to the core of the heart! Thank you so much for sharing, the essence of change is present and we have to make it happen. All the best!
    3230 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9394210
    That is what i'm trying to do now!
    Your story inspires many!
    Thank you for being so honest!
    3277 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8603687
    emoticon emoticon emoticon I am lost for words,so many emotions I feel from this blog.So much sadness and yet hopeful,inspirational and I read this when I really needed to get on track.I am so sorry about your Dear Mom,my beautiful MOm passed in 2006 and I cannot even begin to imagine having to make that kind of decision for your Mom.The test of your Faith must have been very difficult,you loved your Mom and still do.Love is sometimes Letting Go,even when you don't want to.I know I wouldn't have,I would have wanted My Mom to live longer.You beautiful dear women,such a special friend to so many.I wish I could visit you and give you real Hugs,virtual HUGS emoticon emoticon MY thoughts and prayers are always with you.My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Mom.She will always Love you,even from heaven and you will once again be united,What a gift and treasure heaven has received a dear Women who was/is your Mom! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Always your friend,Diana
    3279 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2012 3:27:35 PM
    Kristen, My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I faced this same decision 8yrs ago with my mom. The hardest thing I had to do. But I know in my heart that it was the right decision. Your mom will always be with you as you are with SP now...in Spirit . Please stay strong as we know you are. Your ONE day will be here soon. Will be thinking of you...Liz
    3301 days ago
    My prayers are with you and your family. You will come thru this stronger than ever and you sound very determined. Your ONE DAY is just around the corner......My heart aches for what you are going thru and what you have gone thru in the past. You are so brave and you are such a loving person. You have overcome so much and you will overcome this with your head held high and know that you are loved and you have so many friends here. I may not know you personally, but if not in person, what better, truer friendship is there than having people know what's in your heart. No one knows us here so we are safe to just "put it out there" and know that there are others who care. Stay strong for you and for your son.

    Your friend,
    3303 days ago
    Dear Kristin. I am praying for you. I trust that your one day will be even more beautiful than you could ever imagine. emoticon
    3315 days ago
    Dear Kristen,

    I pray for you as you go through this horrifically lonely and difficult time. I saw so much beauty and strength in your blog. Your mother's love for you, and your love for your mother is a beautiful gift for each of you, as well as for us to observe. This love has carried you both through a lot.

    We have seen your strength and self-esteem grow over the last year, fed by the love you share with your mom and your sons. I remember how excited I was when I read about you going to your son's ball game for the first time. You are living the example of love and strength for them in a bright and beautiful way.

    Remember the power and love of God are in you---we can see it. You have an endless number of friends here who never forget you whether we see you online or not.

    God's peace be with you.


    3316 days ago
    3325 days ago
    I found this blog today - oh, I hope you are here to see that there are more prayers coming your way, and that God is helping you find some of the peace you SO deserve. Your dear mother had joy in her life - she had YOU to love and care for, and has the knowledge she is loved, too. I don't have the right words - but then there are no words for this - just the traveling warmth of heartfelt prayers. Know that you are precious, you are loved, you are needed, you are special - and you are one h*** of a great writer! God bless you. emoticon
    3325 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/2/2012 12:40:30 PM
    My Dear Spark Sister, My heart goes out to you. Just 3 short years ago I had to make a similar choice. It was not an easy one. It did not matter that I was Daddy's little girl. I had to take a step back and ask what is in the best interest for my Dad? I had to know what ever the choice it was not done out of selflessness. As you contemplate your choices know we are all praying for you and your family. Sending all our love to you. Please hurry back, we will miss you !!! Remember your ONE DAY is here waiting for you.
    3332 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10573205
    My dear friend I have no words of wisdom and I have never had to make choice like you do. But I know you will make the right one. You are so strong and such an inspiration to me. Your mother is one of a kind who loves you as you do her. My prayers are with you. . emoticon
    3334 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11480063
    Your last paragraph posted "I am here in spirit and that I am thinking, praying and holding each of you in my heart". Dear, sweet daughter - even when your mother has passed - that is exactly how she will be as well. She will never truly be gone from your life. Her voice will echo in your head every decision you make, every goal you meet, etc.

    I'm posting my favorite poem for you, what little comfort it may provide when the time does come. Be strong and remind yourself your mother is very proud of where you are and what you will become. She obviously has faith in you.


    Don’t think of her as gone away,
    her journey’s just begun,
    life holds so many facets
    this earth is only one.
    Just think of her as resting
    from the sorrow and the tears
    in a place of warmth and comfort,
    where there are no days and years.
    Think how she must be wishing
    that we could know today
    how nothing but our sadness
    can really pass away.
    And think of her as living
    in the hearts of those she touched,
    for nothing loved is ever lost,
    and she was loved so much.

    Prayers and hugs to you as you struggle with life. You are stronger than you know and you matter to so many.

    3334 days ago
    I know this is not a happy time, but I am so hoping you'll some peace. I know you will have your one day...after after that many more happier days :)
    3334 days ago
    My heart goes out to you my dear friend... it is never easy to let go of the ones we love but we must so they can be in peace.. peace be with you my friend emoticon
    3335 days ago
    I have unfortunately had to make the same decision that you are faced with. It was one of the darkest time of my life. Take care of yourself and don't allow yourself to become isolated.
    3335 days ago
    I am so sorry about all the things going on in your life right now. I don't have any great words of wisedom, but it would seem like your mother does. She wouldn't want you to to seek comfort in food or the bottle. She'd want you to be striving for that one day, please take comfort in that. I pray that you come through all this stronger then you ever thought you were. I also pray that your mother finds her one day, even if it's not here with us.
    3335 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. You are so strong in your journey. Don't think your mom never had joy because she has you and your love. Whatever choice you make will be the right one. God will show you the way.
    3337 days ago
    All my thoughts are with you and your family emoticon
    3337 days ago
    We love you hang in there. GOD will give us all our day. emoticon
    3337 days ago
    Oh my... I just don't know what to say. I wish I could just give you a hug and hold your hand a while, as you face these days.

    You have been really blessed with a mom like yours, and I do think you're giving her the best possible gift of all, with taking care of her baby. It's the most precious thing, to a mother, to know her children are well.

    saying a little prayer for all of your family.
    3337 days ago
  • NINNY165
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon take care my friend....peace be with you
    3337 days ago
    Kristin, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. You have lots of friends here sending their prayers for you both. We will be here when you return.

    And thanks for sharing all that with us. I need to hear it today.
    3338 days ago
  • RINA2002
    Kristin - I have no words. God bless you; my prayers are with you for God to comfort you in this time of great loss. I pray that you will find that special someone that loves you unconditionally, and admires your tough will to live and overcome your circumstances. Hugs to you.
    3338 days ago
  • 5737MOM
    Moved to tears. I can not even imagin how you muct be feeling. I have never been there and all i can think of to say is how sorry I am for what is happening in your life. Id like to say somethhng helpful and profound but all i can think of is that stinks! I believe your faith will get you through! I know we dont know each other but i will be checking in on you again. Love and prayers sent your way for you and your momma.
    3338 days ago
  • NEWMOM20121
    Thank you for sharing. I wish I was one of those really wise people that always has something great to say, I am not. So I can say I will pray for you and the decisions you have to make.
    God Bless you and your family.
    3338 days ago
    Hugs and prayers. You are making the BEST decisions even when they are "impossible." We'll watch for your return.
    3338 days ago
    Sending angel wing hugs your way which I hope helps hold you up and makes your journey a bit easier. YOU are an inspiration to what the human spirit is able to endure and overcome. God Bless you. Hugs, Rhonda
    3338 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10081037
    Hugs Kirsten and thankyou, you may never realise how much you have helpe me, but sometimes God leads to you to places for a reason, and your blog was that reason, be strong in God, and I pray that not only will you have your one day, but many many one days, I pray for your mama, that God will wrap his loving arms around her and give her her one day, that being eternity.
    Your are not alone, remember we are here for you we are your Sparks family!!!!
    3338 days ago
  • KIPPER15
    I lost my mom in a similar fashion, having to make the choice. It is not easy,but it was the best way. I send prayers and good thoughts your way. Keep on taking care of yourself. You have come far. emoticon emoticon
    3338 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9394210
    Take time for yourself but please come back.
    Don't stay away too long.
    I'm so sorry about you mom. It must be really hard for you!
    emoticon emoticon
    I'll still be here when you come back! emoticon emoticon
    I wish I could take away your pain and make it all better!
    Lots of hugs,prayers and love for you and you children!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3338 days ago
  • REBECCA431
    Kristen ...Be still in a corner each day and allow God to wrap his arms around you. It is an experience that once you have it you will seek it daily. Allow God to comfort you after all he knew you before you were born and he knows the number of hairs on your head. Keep blogging don't quit emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3338 days ago
    emoticon I am so sorry for everything you have gone through and sill have to face.
    3338 days ago
    God bless you. You can overcome!
    3338 days ago
    My prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time. It is never easy to make choices like this. My family had to make a similar decision about our Father and unless you have had this discussion with them prior it is a very hard one. No amount of love and support will make it an easy one for you.

    May God Bless and guide you through these difficult times. His love and support will get you through.
    3339 days ago
    OH my dear girl!!! what a lot to face, just know that your mum will be proud of you and she knows you can do this. I pray that you don't stay away from us long,and even though the road is going to be harder than I can imagine, try hard wiith whatever you have inside to keep on that ONE road.... HUGS you have acome a very very long way, and that proves you know it can be done. HUGS to you and your mama. She will be so proud of you, knowing you can take care of you and yours.
    HUGS again.
    3339 days ago
    Peace be with you
    3339 days ago
    Hi Kristin. This is my first time reading your blog. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there and using the pain you are going through to help inspire others. I know how you are feeling. My ex-husband had a stroke the week before Christmas. The family all had to make the decision to turn off life support, including my children and myself. It was so hard but I know that is what he wanted. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm here and will pray for you and your family. I'll be checking back again soon.
    3339 days ago
    May God bless you with the peace that surpasses all understanding during this time in your life. We'll be here waiting for you and our "One Day".
    3339 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Hi Kristin,
    I am so sorry for your situation and very impressed by your courage. You will make the right decision and you're going to be hurting for awhile but the most amazing thing you can do for yourself and your boys is to hold true to your commitment to a healthy life. This will help sustain you in the hard days ahead and keep you on your mission to a life of ONEderful days;)

    Lots of hugs
    3339 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10677745
    My Mother was on life support. The doctor said there are people who live on life support for years and the family visits and interacts with them. They said my Mother would only have a week or so if taken off. I did not think is was my decision or my brothers so I asked her what she wanted and told her exactly what the doctor told me. I did what I wanted someone to do for me, treat me like an adult and make my own decision on my life. She opted to be taken off and lived the last two months in my house. It was a gift to have her die in my arms.

    I feel for you. I know first hand what an extremely difficult and painful situation this is. No one is ever ready to lose their mother no matter how old we are.

    All I can do is send you my love and offer you some strength. Your Mom is so proud of you for losing all that weight and you have given her peace of mind. The best gift you could give anyone.
    3339 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5770485
    May God help you and your mom through this difficult time. You must know what an inspiration you are to many on this site. You have already achieved success. To be where you are in such a short period of time takes hard work. What a great feeling to live out your mom's wish for you. It is so understandable that you will need time...but, make sure you come back. Your friends WANT to support you through your UPS and DOWNS. You are strong and you WILL have your ONE day. I have faith that you know how to work hard to achieve your dreams...you can!

    Prayers to your and your family during this difficult period. God Bless you and keep your close!

    3339 days ago
  • GOIN4GR8
    My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing all this. I can't imagine making the decision you are faced with ... God bless you. I will be praying for you and your mom.

    I just posted a blog about getting bacn on the wagon--and then I came to your blog. It was exactly what I needed.

    I wish you God's peace, strength, and love. Take care, and we'll be here when you get back.

    3339 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8639152
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you. My husband and I had to make that choice with both our moms. I can appreciate the difficulty of your situation. I'm so glad you can be with your mom right now. And you are right--you're going to have your ONE day and you can have it for your mama too. God bless you, dear Sparker.
    3339 days ago
    Saying prayers for you. How wonderful to loose 200 + pounds, keep on sparking!
    3339 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your mother's story, it has truly inspired me. Sending thoughts and prayers to you both
    3339 days ago
    My prayers are with you. Sending you peace, blessings and joy in such an emotionally hard time. God will sustain you. You are an inspiration to stay on this journey. You are strong beyond your wildest imagintion. Keep on SPARKing! emoticon
    3339 days ago
  • TIFFY0906
    Wow - this was such a touching and inspirational story. My heart and prayers go out to you. May GOD bless you and keep you.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3339 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Oh my gosh! What a horrible thing to have to be faced with!! You have come so far! I am rooting you on to keep going even farther! Praying for you that you have peace with the days to come.
    3339 days ago
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