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One year

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A year ago I buried my father. It was a beautiful ceremony as funerals go. He was a Master Mason so they officiated the wake. My cousin and a dear friend participated and it made it even more special. I had never seen such a service and was greatly moved by it. Dad would have been proud.

The burial was a military one. It too was incredibly special. Since I am the oldest between my brother and I (and my mom had passed 15 years ago), I was given the first seat. My husband was next, my brother next, and our children after that. They folded the flag and presented to me, thanking me for his valor and service to our country. I was truly touched. Then they saluted the coffin. And yes, they played taps and fired a 21 gun salute. It was very moving and I don't regret having requested the service.

My point to this blog is not about my father's funeral (although, I did tear up as I relived it through my written word). point has more to do with reference frame for my mental state a year ago.

A year ago I weighed 5lbs less than I do now. And if you add my weight loss to date (15lbs), that totals 20lbs. Yes...I had gained 20lbs after my father's funeral last year. Not something I'm proud of. Logically, I knew what I was doing to myself. But emotionally, I couldn't stop myself. To top it off, my brother visited us last summer and I fell apart again. He's an alcoholic and a smoker. And watching him, up close and personal...well it felt like I was watching him kill himself. So the emotional eating started all over again.

So what's changed since then? Me. That's what. My commitment to myself. My determination. My motivation. Oh yes...I had that last year. But I've changed this year. I want to lose weight so that I can live life to the fullest that I possibly can. I am reveling in how much stronger I am...and can't wait to get even stronger! I am marveling at how loose my clothes are getting and can't wait to get into the next size! In fact, I can't wait to get into a size 16!

But mostly, I am enjoying the process. Learning to challenge myself through fitness...or dieting. I enjoy seeing how my body reacts to the challenge. And I can only imagine it's going to get better!

A year ago...a lot has happened. But I am stronger for it. I feel like I am whole...complete...fully alive. 5 more pounds. That is a goal I'm striving for right now. My next one is to get into a swimsuit that I'd bought a few years ago...that's gonna happen by Mothers Day. And then...dare I say it? Well...let's just say that my strongest wish is to be able to ride a real bike by my birthday in July. There...I said now I MUST go for it!

Thanks for joining me in this's great having the support of my SP friends!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DOODIE59
    HI Bev
    I remember you going through the turmoil of last year, and here you are -- moving forward for the life you want for yourself. Small steps every day, doing things right most of the time, remembering your reasons for wanting better health: these will get you there. You can do this!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3133 days ago
    Oh, sweetie, that funeral service sounds amazing...what a great tribute. And I am so sorry for what you went through with your brother. That's so so hard. And now, here is this strong, determined lady as a result...facing HER life and making the decision to move onward and downward (weight wise). I'm so proud of you. You have turned a corner. Crises and life situations often have that effect. They make us or break us...and you are not Great things are ahead of you. Keep setting the mini goals and achieving them one by one...they are like little stepping stones across a vast expanse. And on the other side, we find the place that we desire to go...and we get there one small step at a time. Keep up the good work! Thanks for your encouragement! Spark on! emoticon emoticon (This is us bike riding together this summer!)
    3133 days ago
    Well doesn't seem like a year. I remember well you coming on here, as my mum died 2.5 years ago. Now I am in your position, getting our house renovated to move dad in. He is declining a lot but still able so hope we get it all done in time. My only regret is dad smokes and I DETEST it- makes me ill but he wont stop, he smoked when mum was sick and she died of lung cancer. But as it is he has been smoking since he was 14 and he is now 86, not going to quit now.
    Glad you are doing this for YOU and know how determined you are. I am doing better but don't feel that full determination yet. I want to be able to move better and just got my knee brace and have started to walk a bit further again. So today about 15-20 min walk to dd, then visited and walked back. knee was good but back was very sore. oh well will figure what I can do.
    Have a super week............... you can and will ride a bike again! and the bathing suit, it's a given!
    3134 days ago
    I cryed too. My Dad passed 20 years ago this month. Your dad would be very proud of you, too.
    3134 days ago
  • SHARON10002
    I'm so very sorry for your loss. there's such a whole left in our hearts when we lose our parents. I lost both of mine within months of each other. I gained 50 pounds so I can identify with how you are feeling. I know I ate to fill a void I could not fill at the time.

    If it's any consolation, it does become less painful each year. The pain is gradually replaced by just loving memories. Now on those days I remember something loving, special, funny. . . I also try to remember that they are never more than a thought away, and that they will always be with me - in my heart.

    I'm sorry to read about your brother's addictions. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you to watch him. We have to remember that people make choices. Whether we agree with them or not, it is not within our power, nor our job, to change them. It is so hard to remember this when we see someone we love on a path of self destruction. Everything in us wants to help them and rescue them!

    You are on the path to healing, and you've got the keys - commitment and determination. These are the two things I finally realized is what it takes. I wrote a blog on them not too long ago.

    You have tow very real goals for you - to look emoticon as you fit into that bathing suit, and to ride a real bike! I know you will do both! emoticon
    3134 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9374878
    You've been through so much. Be kind to yourself but believe that you are stronger than you can ever imagine. I'm so sorry for your loss and your struggles. You are an incredibly strong woman. The best thing you can do is stay strong....You can do this! You are an amazing person! You are powerful! Get to it! We are here to help if you need us! Just ask.
    3134 days ago
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