DOLL2THEWALL

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So... that happened.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Almost a year ago (11 months and a day, not that I'm counting), I left my now ex-husband and moved into an apartment by myself. I had put on a little weight since my lowest (158), but I attributed it to the stress of preparing for a life on my own, and completely overturning my life. I figured once I got into a rhythm in my new place, I'd be able to focus on getting healthy and getting back in a routine that kept me looking and feeling fit and healthy.

I'm now heavier than when I started SparkPeople. I signed up in January 2008-ish at 205 lbs.

I'm 233 lbs right now.

Oddly enough, I'm not pissed at myself. I'm discouraged, sure, because I look like hell and none of my clothes fit anymore. I swore I'd never be one of "those people" - the ones that gained it back. No way - not me. But holy CRAP, is it easy. Way, way too easy.

I'm about to move again, at the end of the month. I hereby call on all of you to whip my ass come May 1 - because come hell or high water, I am going to start on the downward trend again. I'm single, and I'm not going to let myself date until I start making progress. I owe myself a better "me" than I am now, and I won't give a potential partner an incomplete "me" - that's not fair to either of us.

Forgive the babble. But I've hidden the fact that I've failed for way too long, and I saw the most success when I shared my life with my Sparklettes. So here I am, sharing a piece of me that's really painful (and IMO, ugly and lumpy and pasty and nasty). I'mma need y'all's help. Ok? Ok.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    I hope u r doing well now.
    956 days ago
  • LOVE_IS_LOUDER
    BEEN THERE! Once upon a time, I threw away all my "fat" clothes and bought a whole new wardrobe and said, "I'll never let myself get there again. YUCK." Fast forward 6 years and I was tipping the scales (almost cracking the damn thing in half) at my highest weight EVER. Wanted to die.

    Point is, we just gotta keep trying. What's the alternative? Giving up on ourselves?? NEVER. I'm here, trying again... again... again... and so are you. That's what counts. Here's to new beginnings!
    emoticon
    3108 days ago
  • ABETTERCHERYL
    I love everything about Trix's response. So I'd just like to point to that one and say AMEN! I totally agree with her response and I can't say it any better.
    3109 days ago
  • TIFFANIE150
    Ready to be with you!! We'll be cheering you on.


    3110 days ago
  • RUSSELLORAMA
    I'm here for you and ready to give whatever you need.

    emoticon
    3114 days ago
  • _APRILSUNSHINE_
    (((((hugs))))) Al.

    I know it sounds super cliche, but thing at a time, one day at a time. You've had some major things going on that were emotionally draining on you. Now that you are in a better space with some of those things, you have the energy to focus on you again in the way that you want to.

    I'm proud of you woman!!
    3117 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    BABY GIRL! WILL YOU STOP LOOKING AT THE DAMN NUMBER AND FOCUS ON EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'VE DONE?!?!?!

    Seriously.
    >A year ago, you were terrified. TERR-IF-IED. So many things were causing anxiety. You were in total uncharted territory and what scared you even more was that your heart and soul were telling you this was the right decision. So fine. You gained some weight. Big hairy deal when you put that up against the fact that you also gained your independence and reclaimed your voice.

    Big things happened. Big changes happened. And you can let the dust settle for a bit longer.

    However, I promise to come by and kick your booty come May. That's what friends are for. :)
    3117 days ago
  • CALLIKIA
    Okay, first of all - you have NOT failed. I've told myself this many times as well, but the honest truth is, if you haven't given up completely, then you HAVE NOT FAILED. The weight is a number. Sure, it's one you don't like, but you know that it can be changed because you've done it before.

    That being said, I'm here with my foot ready, anxious for May 1st. Get a plan together, girl and do your best to stick to it. Even if you're only 50% following it throughout May you'll (1) have something to build upon and (2) be better off than when you weren't following one at all.

    *sending love* I'm still uber proud of you, no matter what you say. Because you're simply awesome beyond belief.
    3117 days ago
  • LEAN-N-LEXY
    Hey, Dollface - I don't know if I am good at ass-kickin', but I'll be here. Proud of you and your new Dollhouse or what ever you decide it should be called.
    3117 days ago
  • HEALTH-E-CLARE
    We're kicking it May 1st. Although packing up and moving boxes and unloading them will be a great start... moving is hard stuff.

    Thanks for sharing, and we're here for you and there will definitely be a challenge or two at AB to join in to get back in the game!
    3117 days ago
  • HOPEFULHIPPO
    First, "what 4everadonegirl" said. awesome! She's right...kudos for not beating yourself up and you know what?

    I moved into my apartment 6 months ago and gained back a good 10 pounds so I feel ya. I know what you are going through. I guess you and I just have to remember that we want this for US...

    so, I kick your a$s

    emoticon emoticon
    3117 days ago
  • PRINCESSNURSE
    emoticon
    3117 days ago
  • RUNNINGNP2B
    Love love love you. You're going to kick some major as$ love.
    3117 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    Let's kick some ass, Allyn!
    3117 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1480519
    You betcha. As long as you go ahead and kick mine, too.
    3117 days ago
  • 4EVERADONEGIRL
    I know this might sound ridiculously corny, but I'm so proud of you!!! You have embarked on some major life changes and instead of beating yourself up for what you *haven't* been able to accomplish, you have been kickin' butt and taking names on all kinds of other stuff...and that is evidenced just by the fact that you don't want to give an incomplete you to another person.

    You'll get this thing to where you want it...but just know - come May 1 the a$$ kicking will commence in full force!
    3117 days ago
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