WHOA...Is That What I Look Like?
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Somehow I have managed to go through periods of weight gain without looking in a mirror. I have found various little tricks to keep myself from seeing myself. The mirror in my bathroom is perfect because I can only see my face and I've learned to avert my eyes or blur my vision anytime there's even a remote chance that I might see my full reflection.
This habit has allowed me to lie to myself about how bad my weight gain is. I know what the scale says because I have weighed myself but I haven't really looked at myself in the mirror to see all of the damage I've done to my body. In my mind, I'm still a 150 pound 25 year old and not a 274 pound 32 year old. I think that this deception, this complete unwillingness to acknowledge the truth has kept me from tackling this weight once and for all.
Disclaimer: I HATE Facebook. I hate all of the people who like to post every single detail of their lives on Facebook. I hate the people at parties who always have their cameras and iPhones in my face ready to snap the most unflattering pictures. I hate the people who post those pictures up on Facebook for the entire world to see with lightning fast speed. And I hate that they have absolutely no regard for the fact that seeing one of those photos might knock me out of my denial.
I was confronted with the truth last night. I know what 276 pounds looks like on me and it's not pretty. I know that I have seriously misjudged my current situation. I have finally been faced with what people see when they look at me and I am mortified. But I am also empowered. I know where I'm at and I know where I'm going to get to.
Posting pictures of svelte celebrities with tiny tummies has never been much of a motivator for me. Seeing Beyonce on my refrigerator door has never kept me from opening it up and indulging in whatever I wanted. Well I don't need Beyonce, all I need is me. A picture of me on the refrigerator reminding me what I've done and what I've sworn to stop doing. A reality check that I'm not fooling anyone, not even myself anymore.