MOKACHYNA
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WHOA...Is That What I Look Like?

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Somehow I have managed to go through periods of weight gain without looking in a mirror. I have found various little tricks to keep myself from seeing myself. The mirror in my bathroom is perfect because I can only see my face and I've learned to avert my eyes or blur my vision anytime there's even a remote chance that I might see my full reflection.

This habit has allowed me to lie to myself about how bad my weight gain is. I know what the scale says because I have weighed myself but I haven't really looked at myself in the mirror to see all of the damage I've done to my body. In my mind, I'm still a 150 pound 25 year old and not a 274 pound 32 year old. I think that this deception, this complete unwillingness to acknowledge the truth has kept me from tackling this weight once and for all.

Disclaimer: I HATE Facebook. I hate all of the people who like to post every single detail of their lives on Facebook. I hate the people at parties who always have their cameras and iPhones in my face ready to snap the most unflattering pictures. I hate the people who post those pictures up on Facebook for the entire world to see with lightning fast speed. And I hate that they have absolutely no regard for the fact that seeing one of those photos might knock me out of my denial.

I was confronted with the truth last night. I know what 276 pounds looks like on me and it's not pretty. I know that I have seriously misjudged my current situation. I have finally been faced with what people see when they look at me and I am mortified. But I am also empowered. I know where I'm at and I know where I'm going to get to.

Posting pictures of svelte celebrities with tiny tummies has never been much of a motivator for me. Seeing Beyonce on my refrigerator door has never kept me from opening it up and indulging in whatever I wanted. Well I don't need Beyonce, all I need is me. A picture of me on the refrigerator reminding me what I've done and what I've sworn to stop doing. A reality check that I'm not fooling anyone, not even myself anymore.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IAMBLESSED103
    emoticon blog! I also hate the fact that people are clueless about taking countless photos of others without warning (usually at their most unflattering) and posting them with lightning speed. - Karen
    283 days ago
  • GOULDSGRANITE
    Stay empowered. Stay strong. You do only need you. One day at a time. Small improvements daily is all you need. You are worth it! Keep Sparking!
    354 days ago
  • MEGSFITNESS
    I have had moments like you describe that have knocked me to tears :(

    I hope that your wake-up call works for you and motivates you to do the things necessary to lose the weight you want to :) Don't be discouraged or bitter about your friend taking your picture, though--friends love you for you and wouldn't take pictures of you guys hanging out if they didn't like you :)
    emoticon
    2862 days ago
  • SERAPHGYRL
    The first thing that stood out to me in your blog is the 'I have finally been faced with what other people see when they look at me'. The people who love you don't see anything but the woman they love and adore.

    Other than that, you have had your 'aha' moment. Mine was having sausage feet when I tried on some sexy shoes. I can't tell you your journey toward being fit and healthy will be easy because it won't. You will have days when you make mistakes and days when you don't want to make good choices. Every day is a new one though so go forward. You can't change the past anyway.

    Oh, I've been committed to SP since January 2012 so I'm pretty new too. I've lost 47 lbs and gained feeling healthier and looking more fit. I still have a long way to go but I know I can do it if I just focus on making healthy choices today.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2885 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/9/2012 1:52:33 PM
  • no profile photo CD11682200
    It sounds like that was your "aha" moment. It seems like we all need that to get us started. For me it was trying to bend over and not being able to breath because my jeans cut off my circulation.

    Every time I want to over-indulge, I think of that moment...so far it's worked, granted it's only been a couple of weeks, but it does work. So every time you want to eat more than you should or don't want to exercise, think of that picture!

    Good luck, I know you will succeed emoticon
    2885 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

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