I finally found it...again...the spark that is
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I am so relieved to sit and write today and say honestly that I have found my Spark again. I have searched and begged and scrambled to try and find it or make it happen over the past year but somehow I never found it again until this past couple of weeks. This Spark is an odd creature really. The past two years and of course my lifelong struggle with weight loss have shown me that somehow you can't make the Spark happen. You can set the stage but somehow the Spark chooses to appear when everything magically clicks into place and your thinking is on the right track. I first found my Spark in 2010 when my journey to a healthier me truly began. I started with small painful changes reluctantly and after several weeks of stubborn commitment to the small changes suddenly that Spark introduced itself to me. I was so surprised because with that Spark firmly attached to me, things seemed easy for the first time ever. I exercised every day, I just naturally made healthy food choices and weight simply dropped off of me. I felt AMAZING. That euphoric, amazing feeling was like a drug and it made me want to continue doing well. I think I would have continued on with that pace if I wasn't sidelined with my knee surgery in June 2011. My recovery was painfully slow and I still can't say a year out that I have full range of motion in that knee but at least the locking problem has been solved and it continues to improve slowly but surely. The past year has been filled with adversity on top of adversity. It honestly is too much to even get into. Everything from physical barriers to extreme stress at home to job loss for me and later my spouse. On and on it goes. During that time, I regained 26 lbs I hoped never to see again. I struggled and stopped it though. There were 33 lbs that I did not regain. That is not typical of me at all. So I certainly can't say the past year was a loss. I managed to control a weight regain in a way I have never managed in all of my 39 years. This is worth celebrating.
So here I find myself in May 2012. I am under more stress than I think I have ever been. I have learned to live in the moment as I don't know how to survive otherwise. I have also learned that the only thing I can control in this world is me and my choices. Somehow, against all odds in the midst of all of this, that Spark started to glow again. It was like reuniting with an old, beloved friend!! I started small again, not wanting to push that little Spark too fast and end up extinguishing it. The exercise is more consistent and daily I can do more than I did yesterday. The food choices have become easier and more natural again. And the bingeing has stopped. Thank GOODNESS! Oh the bingeing. That truly had to go. Suddenly almost by accident I have found myself getting up early, working out hard, training on my bike which I can finally manage with my knee after not being able to for most of my adult life, and because of these changes, everything else in my life is going so much more smoothly. And I am energized. I should be so exhausted and spent, even if just from the stress. But I'm not. So weird really. I am so relieved to have this feeling back. Absolutely, completely relieved. I hope that I can keep this little Spark going because we are really good for one another. The best part about this is that the weight has been moving too!! As of today, I have booted to the curb 16 lbs of those 26 lbs I regained. I am only 10 lbs away from my lowest. Again, thank goodness!! Hope is a beautiful thing. I have some hope that I am actually changing my life for the better and I am proud that I am learning how to take care of myself better. Struggles or not, it's clear some changes are here to stay. I only hope things stay easy for awhile because I am loving how I am feeling right now. I will embrace it and run with it and I will see where the next phase of this journey takes me.