I do not want to be the woman who lost weight

Friday, June 29, 2012

You have to understand, I was always the fat girl and I did not diet or yo-yo. Then I lost 80 pounds. Thus I became the woman who lost weight. I got lost in the fog of all the accolades that brought.

Then life happened as it always does. My new identity, as small and fit, was too fragile and too unreal to stand. My normal resilience didn’t apply. I’m resilient, yet I neglected to apply my resilience to making healthy choices. I defined fat as my largest size, not as the absence of a healthy BMI. I abandoned my own truth that diet and exercise were necessary to keep me healthy. I was rowing on that river in Egypt like it was my true home.

But I have decided this will not be the end of my story. I am not interested in an identity that includes part-time resilience and denial. As joyous as some moments were in being the woman who lost weight, I need to be the woman who got healthy and showed up fully engaged for her life.

This is my record of how I lost the weight for the last time and got healthy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'll have to post a pic for you on my blog... Someone posted it on Facebook this morning. It says...

    "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is NOT how the story is going to end."

    3118 days ago
    I think getting and staying healthy is a life-long endeavor; a lifestyle. And nothing is on a constant downward (or upward) scale or chart of success. There are hills and valleys. All ways. Life is a progression and so is our path towards optimal health.
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    3118 days ago
    You started out saying you could not picture yourself at your goal wt and then when you got there you still couldn't do it.
    You are so right that this is not the end of the story.
    You are still working on it.
    As are many of us.
    3130 days ago
    Yes it is!!! Way to go!!!
    3131 days ago
  • JANEDOE12345
    Thanks, Deborah, for bringing this aspect of weight loss out where we can think about it.

    Being skinny was scarey for me! I have been thick and thin, as small as size 4 and as big as size 22. The skinny me has been a mean girl (in the past). But now if I lose the weight again, I think I have matured enough to be myself. Our body size should not define us, yet our culture seems to think it does. There is too much focus on outer size and not enough on inner spirit.

    I am looking to inward change. Outward change, beyond attaining health, is not the path right now. Whether we seek a good BMI or a mindful attitude, getting there is easier with my SP buddies.

    3131 days ago
    Very good. emoticon
    3131 days ago
    The words I live by: "Maintenance is not the end of the road - it's the beginning of a new one!"
    3131 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Giranimal, I think a lot of people struggle with their new image, as well as their acceptance that the reduced intake has to be permanent.

    I know I was a little suprised a few weeks ago when someone commented on my having lost weight and I actually felt a little embarrassed.I think that's because this time I was just looking for a way to be at peace with food and to not be so compelled to eat so much junk. AS time has gone on, I've become more interested in being able to gauge how much to eat at a time and still get hungry enough for regular meals. But honestly vanity is part of it, too. Yet I felt a bit funny, as if I'd been found out. However, it's not going to stop me. emoticon
    3131 days ago
    "My new identity, as small and fit, was too fragile and too unreal to stand. My normal resilience didn’t apply." Wow, sometimes I wonder if this isn't the real reason I have gained a few pounds back. I can so identify with the "new you" seeming so fragile and unreal. I think it also must be why I still FEEL fat all the time! At worst, at this point, I am "a little chubby" but not fat. It's my brain that tricks me and my sense of self that remains in disbelief.

    Everyone else seems so able to just embrace and celebrate the new, thinner version of themselves, yet I still can hardly bear to wear shorts in public. I'm so glad you shared that, you eloquent woman!

    Thin vs. healthy -- time to revisit my priorities and beliefs about these things. Rock on for being so darn smart, my friend!
    3131 days ago
    rock it, ms. d!

    3131 days ago
    Decide who you want be then do it!
    3131 days ago
    3131 days ago
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