Sunday, July 29, 2012
I am exhausted. I have been working a lot the past couple of weeks, saving money for Bruce and I to move across town into a house, with a yard and plenty of space for us and our new roommates. A couple that we are friends with are moving to Missouri from Illinois and we have agreed to live with them for a year so that we may all save money and we can help them adjust. Other than that, not much has changed in the 14 months since I have written a blog on here.
Bruce and I are still together, it was 5 years in May, so that's going great. School is going well, but my military funding had some issues this semester and I am forced to sit it out. It was a paperwork issue, which is truly frustrating, but I am enjoying life as it is and am not going to let this slow me down. I have decided to instead embrace this time as a period of growth outside of academia, while still feeding my mind in a way that inspires growth.
Over the summer I picked up a part time job working at a local brew pub and have made many new friends. I have never had a job that I really enjoyed going to in more than just spurts, so I am thankful for the ability to experience it. I don't plan to work here after I'm done with college (or at least after I find a job in my field), but for now I am comfortable.
Starting last fall, and up to this past month, I fell into a depression like I haven't felt since I was much younger. I felt hopeless, unmotivated, lost, sad, angry. I drank more than I have drank since I have lived on my own, and I ate like crap. I didn't hold a routine as far as sleep, workouts, eating, cleaning. It was obvious something was going on to those around me being that I transformed from this completely put together, neat freak, who ate well and worked out consistently into a shell of what I was.
I am not taking medication, I just finally one day woke up and realized I was tired of being sad. Sitting around allowing myself to be sad was just making me even more sad. Instead I just had to deal with the fact that I didn't feel like doing anything besides laying in bed and watching Stargate, and force myself to get out of the house anyway. I have been soul searching since, I guess you could say. I want to find myself, that version of me that I have lost contact with. I want to respect myself, to love myself, and to learn how to avoid allowing myself to ever return to that place again.
I turned 25 at the end of June. I told myself that I would not let this milestone go without turning myself around. I will not look back at my life in 25 more years with sadness and regret. I will not continue to push away the man that I love and drink away my feelings. I will find myself, again. Just as earlier in my life, I realize that I cannot hope to come to this place of peace within myself, if I am not treating my body as the temple that she is. I have to feed myself correctly, and push myself physically if I can ever hope to push myself mentally and emotionally. I am playing with some goals and plans in my mind, that I will post once I have finalized. They will be small step type goals for the next while, for sure.
It feels great to be back on here, reading blogs and articles, tracking my movement and what I eat. I have always been in need of control, and this helps me to feel that I have gained a piece of that back. I look forward to the remainder of my only year as a 25 year old woman, and know that come this time next year I will look back with pride while working toward a new set of goals.