Friday, October 05, 2012

I have several emotions going on in my head right now and I'm 100% certain they are the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss right now.

I am angry, pissed off and hurt at the one person who is suppose to love me unconditionally. But apparently she either didn't get that memo or what I have been thinking for the last 12 years is really true. That I don't live up to her standards and that her love comes with conditions that I guess I'll never meet. That she has found others to replace me with. I have tried for years to get her to accept me the way that I am and for her to treat me as she does the others in our family, even those are now related through marriage. Hell, I don't even rate as high as some of her friends. I finally cut ties with her, thinking that I can finally move on with my life, no such luck as she doesn't want to abide by my wishes, but then again why should I expect her to.

On a daily basis I feel lonely, at least for the last few months. We have been a one car household for over a year now but it wasn't until a few months ago with the car started to have issues and my husband didn't want me driving it in case I get stuck somewhere so he has been driving me where I need to go. That really isn't the problem but its the feeling of being stuck at home all day after going to the gym for a few hours; not having anyone to talk to or even getting the car for at least one day every so often so I can get out and about. I've decided after the first of the year I'm going to look for a part time job and by a cheap car with our tax return money so I can get that job. I'm hoping being out of house for a few hours a couple a days a week with help with this loneliness. I'm a people person and I love to be around others.

I just realized today that other than going to the gym most days of the week I'm pretty much a lazy person since I don't have anything else to do. Maybe I can find a hobby soon to help do something other than sit and watch TV or read all day until the kids and Ty get home. I'm hoping that once we get some boxes (fingers crossed tomorrow) that packing up the house to also help because when I don't have anything to do I think about food and then I eat the food.

I'm so frustrated at myself for letting myself go and gaining back these 40 lbs. I feel so uncomfortable in my clothes as most don't fit me any more. I spend most days in lounging clothes so its not its a huge deal, except on the rare occasion I do leave the house for an errand or something. I felt so good and confident in those smaller clothes. You know what they say: The clothes make the woMan. I leave in less than 8 weeks to head out to see my BF and I really don't want to go looking like this. I feel like a huge fat blob!

Maybe I should print this out and take it with me on my next therapy session to see what my therapist has to say and maybe get some pointers on moving past some of these issues and getting my head back in the game. Because the only person standing in the way of my path of success is ME!!

Later Dayz!!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD4253992
    Hugs. Acknowledging and working through issues make a huge difference in how things progress from there. You can do this. You will push through.
    3113 days ago
    I hope things turn around for you soon. Hang in there. emoticon emoticon
    3115 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. I hope that your therapist can help you with your situation with your mom. It is a hard one, for sure. I have a similar relationship with mine. I don't know if I will ever sort it out in my head, let a lone accept it. But for now, I roll with the punches. I try to focus on the people that DO love me and support me and spend my time with them instead.

    I can totally relate to you wanting to get out of the house! When I was home on maternity leave I thought I was going to lose my mind. I can not imagine not working! There are days I would love to stay home and spend time with my kids, but I know that I also need that adult interaction and ME time. I hope you are able to find a car and a job that you enjoy!

    Hopefully once you sort some of these things out you will get back into your routine and shed those pounds. It is a never ending battle with ups and downs, for sure. You have it in you to get them off, you have done it before and you can do it again.

    I wish you the very best!

    3118 days ago
    I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Are there any places you can go that are within walking distance -- a park, the library? As a fellow people person, I understand how it can get depressing being at home alone. Hang in there -- the sun has to rise again after every time it sets! emoticon
    3118 days ago
  • SBRAN833
    :( I'm so sorry you're feeling down and out ... but that's what we're here for!! :) I know it's not the same as the actual interaction.

    Emotions suck, but they are proof that we are still alive. I know it sucks and physically hurts sometimes, but I agree and am having the same problem, other than working out, I don't do much either. I always think I wish I had a hobby, but then I determined that I wanted my fitness to be my hobby...

    I have been doing the insanity program, and let me tell you - it works you o.u.t... though doing my workouts at home because I can't afford the monthly fee at the gym, or I can some months, but then I don't go...

    The hardest part is just getting your plan in order ... but after that, everything will fall into place. I wouldn't worry about those who don't love you back, because someday, it might not be today, next week or next year, they will need you at some point. But you can't let that distract you from loving you too. You deserve it!! Keep your head up, and all will fall into place!

    Have fun packing!! And hope you have a great weekend!!
    3118 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.