Monday, October 08, 2012
In a flurry of activity i was doing many things at once to accomplish one major task for today, get everything ready so we can sit down and enjoy a Thanksgiving feast! In my head when i was going over everything that had to get done, i wasnt as tired as i am in the resting state before i have to again finish up to get food on the table, and more importantly, in our tummie!
I was busy getting squash whipped up in a bowl frying up the bacon and onions for the stuffing and out of nowhere, tears were streaming down my cheeks. Without warning, where a pleasant state of exhaustion was laying its groundwork in my body, a suffocating veil of sadness and grief was causing me to stop everything i was doing and just sit down and rest my hands on the table as the tears fell down. Everything i had been trying to ignore was suddenly forcing me to stop and deal with this onlsaught of grief.Once upon a time, not so very long ago,i spent my time preparing a meal for a table full of loved ones, my children,my grandchildren, braby, and there was always at least one of the kids friends that would just suddenly appear at meal time in the hopes of being invited to stay. Now, while i still love cooking, its not quite the same size crowd. I am very thankful for the oppertunity to spend time with my loved ones, and that joy is not based on the number of people sitting at the table. BUt i do feel an immense sadness. Due to circumstances beyond my control, i no longer get to hear the children playing outside, with a continous chorus of "grammie,is it time to eat yet?". I no longer have to playfully scold my children for sneaking the bacon or sampling the desserts before its time for them to be served. No longer is there the constant chatter at the table and the melodious sounds of laughter from stories of funny moments from childhood.
I have to fight back feelings of disgust and anger at the amount of food we are going to enjoy a little later on. My beautiful son isnt going to get to enjoy a hot meal anywhere. For all i know he's not even in a place where he is warm and sheltered from the weather. I dont know how to not be upset and even feel guilty for all i have when i have my flesh and blood ,out there somewhere, hungry. And anger rises up in me at him. He could have a home, a place where he belongs, a family, a chance at life, if he would accept help and choose life over his addiction. But he is so consumed with hatred, rage, and denial, that he refuses to seek or accept any kind of help.
So the turkey continues to cook and fill the house with its delicious aroma, the pie is in the fridge waiting for its final dressing of whip cream and my heart continues to be heavy laden with guilt and fear. At the end of the day the food will be wrapped up and put away, tummies will be full and heads layed down for a good nites sleep. And i again will get no peace or rest at nightfall. Because in the quiet of the night, when everyone else is still and their bodies resting preparing for the next days activities, i will be kept awake all nite, thinking of my son, praying for him.
So on this day, i thank my God for so many wonderful blessings. And im trying my best to put on a happy face, smile and laugh because i know everyone else cant handle the burden of my grief and actually get uncomfortable when im showing any of what is living and breathing inside of me. So happy thanksgiving to everyone. Truly take some time to thank GOd for all the you have been blessed with. Especially today, do not take anything good in your life for granted, or think you are the reason you have been blessed with so much. It all comes from God. BUt urge everyone, to also take the time and remember in prayer, all those missing someone for whatever reason, and to pray for peace for all of us carrying heavy burdens brought on by loving someone