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Now is That a Light in Sky or Just a Spark in my Heart?

Monday, December 31, 2012

I am thinking of Decembers, and of transitions. This is the end of my - no lie - 5th year at Spark. And I am ending it at my heaviest (albeit not by much), even more than at the end of the first year, when I had lost a good 120 or so in 365 days and was feeling incredible and invincible and did not see the bumpy road ahead, despite numerous warnings.

Numbers are ... interesting. But it makes the most sense to look at not only the last measured day of each year, but also at the closest thing I've got to the last day I measured before starting (I didn't start measuring until the end of January of 2008, but cut me a modicum of slack, okay?).

2007 346*
2008 232
2009 180.6*
2010 203.4
2011 213.2
2012 234.2

So, yeah, it's not wonderful right now, except of course in comparison to '07. The 20 or so pounds gained every year is troubling. But check out some inch #s.

2007 19*
2008 13.75
2009 12.5*
2010 13.75
2011 12.5*
2012 13.25

2007 54.75*
2008 43.25
2009 37*
2010 39
2011 40.75
2012 41

2007 47.5*
2008 36.5
2009 33.25*
2010 35.5
2011 36.25
2012 36.75

2007 49*
2008 37.5
2009 32.5*
2010 36.75
2011 37.25
2012 37.75

2007 59.5*
2008 42
2009 35.5*
2010 38
2011 38.25
2012 42

2007 51/64*
2008 45/49.25
2009 40.25/42.25*
2010 43.25/43.25 *Note I count them the same since I had surgery to remove an apron of skin
2011 43.25/43.25
2012 45.25/45.25

2007 32.25*
2008 22
2009 20*
2010 22.25
2011 20*
2012 21.75

And I look at these #s. While they are not wonderful right now, they're not bad. I find it particularly interesting to compare to the end of 2009, my lowest December. And my inch #s are just, well, they're pretty damned amazing when you consider it's a 53.6 pound gain. Hips are the biggest gain (5 inches). But otherwise, well, there's a reason why I'm still fitting into size Medium tees. And my size below is between a 14 and a 16 (it had been down to 10 at the lowest).

I'm more densely packed. So I'm more muscle-bound, I suppose. It came out yesterday, as I swung a shovel for nearly an hour and got almost half of our rather long driveway cleared of heavy, wet snow. And today I feel fine, ready to tackle the second half.

But what does 2013 hold? And 2014 and beyond?

I will admit it is far, FAR more difficult to get motivated. I see my fellow long-termers struggling, at whatever weight they feel is too much (and half the time, their drop-dead weight is lower than my lowest had been, and I admit to feelings of less than charity at times when I see those numbers and I read those complaints). Many simply drop out, for weeks at a time, or months, perhaps ashamed to post certain #s or maybe it's all too overwhelming and the whole thing is just too depressing and unpleasant.

Dammit, this life business is HARD!!!

And so it is.

What would you say to the end of 2007 you?

I'll tell you one thing I WOULDN'T say to her.

I wouldn't tell her that she'd have a quick glory year and then mire in gains again. I wouldn't tell her that Onederland would be but a fleeting visit.

Because that does no good. And it's not accurate, anyway, for things may change, right?

I'd tell her that she can do this. I'd tell her that it's not easy. I'd tell her that it will be a mixed bag. I'd tell that there will be some regaining. I'd tell her that 50 is a tougher year than 45, but it's probably an easier year than 55 and what does that say about things?

It's funny. We go through our immature periods, and we have little discipline and self-control, and we gain. And then when we get our collective acts in gear and can trust ourselves to be careful with weighing and measuring and counting and the like, our bodies laugh and say - Hey, you shoulda done this earlier.

But until a time machine is invented, this is what we've got. And so, ask yourself, what will my 2017 self say to me?

You're so thin.
Your hair is so dark.
You don't have (so many) crows' feet.
Your skin is softer.


You can do it.
It's not easy.
There will be mixed results.
You will get discouraged about some things, and encouraged about others.

Try to remember the encouraging things more.

Happy new year.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great words, these:

    "You can do it.
    It's not easy.
    There will be mixed results.
    You will get discouraged about some things, and encouraged about others."

    Going to hang onto them along with the three mantras my therapist and I cooked up for a better year ahead! :-)

    2700 days ago
    Thanks for sharing JES. It is damn hard. Hard to do and hard not to give up. But we will keep at it. I'd love to be "done" but I know that is never going to happen. I will be on this journey for the rest of my life. We're on this journey all together and we can't quit now.
    2709 days ago
    What a great perspective! And I'm with you - this whole five-year business (can it BE five years?) is on my mind, too. I haven't quite sorted out where I am, where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. But I'm determined to do it - carpe annum: seize the year!
    2711 days ago
    Ah Jes, how true it all is. I am with Carolicious. Thanks for your constancy and honesty. Let's do a healthy happy fit 2013!
    2712 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Thanks for that. I am duly impressed of your loss of inches, regardless of the weight. As you said, you are more solid, you did not get sore after shoveling.
    The weight you are hanging onto is moving around in proportion to your SKIN! Your muscles are being used like never before 2007...

    You know where you are, where you were and where you would like to be in the future. For now, this is it, you are realistic and are dealing with the JOB ahead of you. Quitters are NOT losers, of weight.
    yes, when I see somebody that weighs 125 and wants to lose ten pounds and they will not look in the mirror to see all of that fat. it is like a rich person not taking a cab because the seats are dirty.

    It is all relative: I am not in the Lamborghini league, but I have sat in one and have the pics!!
    2713 days ago
    I like that you always find a positive spin. emoticon emoticon
    2713 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    ups and downs, yes, that describes it!

    thanks for this blog! Your body measurements are amazing!
    2713 days ago
    My perfectionist self doesn't like it, but finally I have come to accept the ups and downs...this IS DAMN hard. We are not perfect...but, thankfully, we are resilient.

    Still, I dream of to getting to a point where I sigh deeply and say, "Okay I'm done with that." Can you say, "fairytale?"

    Of course that will never happen, but what does happen is the learning...what to do, what not to do, what works, what doesn't work.

    Thanks for being so open and honest...through this journey that I am proud to say we are on together.

    emoticon Happy 2013!
    2713 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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