For the first time in my life I took an entire week off of work for the holidays. I am realizing now that was not a healthy decision. I was completely out of my routine and fell into bad habits. Eating like crap and never once did I exercise! Doubt I will do that again.
Not only was I off schedule but it was emotionally stressful time as my daughter decided to screw off on her exams at one of the top private schools in the city PLUS I found a lump in my breast. Needless to say the stress eating kicked in high gear and the couch became my consoler.
Friday I am putting my daughter back in public school as I don’t feel I am getting my $10k a year worth in grades. Hopefully this will be the saving grace as my daughter was always in public school until this school year. I think I changed her schools because as a child I would have LOVED the opportunity to go to a prestigious high school. In the end, it’s obvious my daughter did not. I was very strict with her with this new school but now moving back to public school, I have decided maybe the best is letting her try to accomplish her hopes and dreams on her own without the demands and requirements as before. Hope I am doing the right thing. I guess time will tell.
Tomorrow I am getting my lump looked at and I’m scared as hell. I truly hope it’s nothing but you just never know.
Some of you may not know but I am a smoker. Something I have never admitted here but “My name is Rana and I am a smoker”. With this lump it truly has made me think about my smoking and how that does affect the outcome of breast lumps, etc. I want to quit this year, I want to be in better shape physically and I want to be a great wife and mother. That is all I want this year for me to be happy.
Today I got this email from my husband that put me to tears that I want to share. Sometimes when you are at your worse, struggling to stay above water, trying to push the heavy weight on your chest off, you have to remember the best things in life that you may take for granted can sometimes be those right in front of you. For me that is my rock, my husband Kerry.
I'll start this with I'll go to the game tonight so maybe that makes you smile. When all this started that's what I wanted, was to find ways to make you smile.
I've already thought a fair amount about what if the worst happens when you have the mammogram...
My thoughts are this and I am only saying this because this is the loyalty and love I have for you, not because I think the worst will happen. I actually assume it's going to be nothing and we'll go on with life pretty sure that's one less issue we have to deal with... but anyway... if the worst were to happen I'd be by your side helping you and supporting you and grateful for every moment I had with you even if you were bitching about a picture, asking me questions in response to other questions, being jealous that Koryn and I are home while you go off to work etc etc etc. I'll be by your side throughout even if all the horribleness of cancer is what our life holds ahead. I'd be destroyed if I ever lost you but I wouldn't trade all the time we've spent together. We found each other and we haven't been lost singles since the day we met. We fight because neither of us would be content if there was nothing to put the gloves on about. It makes life harder at times and we probably should both learn to love more/fight less but that doesn't make us any less perfect for each other. In the middle of our fights when we're not directly in each other's faces I've had plenty of time to wonder if you really are the perfect woman for me and the answer is always a clear and resounding yes. You compliment me in ways where I am flawed and I compliment your flaws as well.
Since we met I know I haven't been one of those lost and lonely singles. I don't ever have to worry about going cuckoo like Dawson banging his old gf's husband's daughter and sperm donor daughters... I'm not one of my friends that endlessly searches for their companion. We aren't as happy with our lives as we were when we met. Some of that is our fault and quite a bit of that has been completely outside of our control. I think it's our responsibility to try to resolve the things we do that stop us from being happy and work to let all the outside influences we can't control have less effect on our happiness.
Whatever happens I'll be with you to rub your back, curl up beside you, hold your hand, hug you when you need it or whatever else you require. I'm not one to put a lot of stock in fate or any other superstitions but I do firmly believe that we are together because we are meant to be. Things have always had a way of working out for me for the best in the end. Relax, hop on my luck train and let's see what happy times this train has ahead for us :)
He really has a way of putting things in perspective I never could. With all that has happened in 2012 with my parents losing everything, my daughter struggling in school, my health may be on the fritz, I so want to put these things behind me. I do have to remember the great things in 2012. I married an amazing man, I lost a good deal of weight, my parents are finally back living together after three months apart, my family are healthy and with me today, and I am able to make 2013 better than the last.
Good luck to you all in a happier and healthier 2013!