I am SO excited!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I have officially submitted my application for schoool AND my FAFSA meaning come August - I will be enrolled in college!

I can't believe it!

I am hoping to earn a degree in Computer Science and eventually get a job in the gaming industry. I am thinking I would like to program combat AI, if possible.

I learned that there are quite a few companies that are in Austin (about 1 1/2 hrs from here) so I could technically commute if I didn't want to move my kids, etc.

I know all of that is a long way away but, .... wow. I can't even imagine...

I bring this all up because I am finding I feel a renewed sense of self worth as I think about school.

My life from graduation on has just been one disaappointment after another with the exception (of course) of my wonderful husband and amazing kids.

Abusive relationship (emotionally, physically, psycologically), on to self-destructive behavior (partying, drowning myself in alcohol and all that entails), terrible family relationships (lots of manipulation, being taken advantage of, etc)....

It's no wonder I ended up feeling like I was in a hole.

Food was my company (when beer or vodka weren't an option).

I ate to feel something. Something remotely good in all the CRAP I was dealing (or not dealing) with.

But now, ...

I think about programming and what I will be able to do and I feel empowered.

I feel like I might actually be worth something.

I am not trying to fish for compliments or anything like that. I am being 100% honest.

I don't know how many of you have felt this way before. I felt like nothing I ever could do was good enough. Like, I would never do anything with myself. Like I was nobody. Nothing. Of no importance. I felt like maybe I was created just to give my kids life, but that's it.

Isn't that funny? I would always ask, "How could someone/something so beautiful, so amazing, so precious come from me?" as if I was the complete opposite! Complimenting my kids while bringing myself down at the same time.

I can't believe how wrong I was.

My kids are amazing BECAUSE they are mine. I am a part of that. *Cue the waterworks, I am having a breakthrough!*

I am precious.

I am amazing.

I have worth.

It's taken me twenty-something years to remember that.... but I remember.

I can't remember the last time I felt like I was "somebody", but I feel like this now - and I hope that never goes away.

I can do so much... I will.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    I grew up in that "can't ever be good enough" environment and what a Bee-ATCH that is!

    Sooner or later though we create our own environments and make our own decissions.

    This is your time to shine!
    2509 days ago
    Wow, goosebumps!! What a great, honest blog! I am constantly amazed at how finding SP helps us to find our true love for ourselves. I have been working on getting some consistent wieght loss for a year and a half, and I've had ups and downs. But one thing that has definitly happened is, I feel better about myself, and even love myself, on a regular basis!! Wow, what a concept! And I hear that you are going through this too, it is HUGE!!! I am so happy for you, you deserve LOT'S of compliments, for going back to school, for being a great mother and wife and for learning to care for yourself in the way only you can! emoticon
    2513 days ago
    Feeling like "somebody" is essential to your mental and physical health. Such a beautiful blog full of affirmations. Happy for you!
    2513 days ago
    Loving your positive attitude right now! You have great value, and you deserve great things! Keep working hard, you've got this!
    2515 days ago
    Programming is fun I was programming on the big industrial computers years ago.. It is great and easier than dealing with people :)

    Great work.. emoticon
    2516 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2516 days ago
    Way to go!
    2516 days ago
    Congrats!!! That's awesome! Will you be at UTSA? I didn't get to finish my degree, and I'm thinking about applying there to finish up in the fall. I will likely have to repeat a lot of hours since I went to school in Houston before, but I hope I can finish in 1-2 years. :)
    2516 days ago
    It didn't come across that you were fishing for compliments. I think it's soo amazing what we truly think of ourselves and how off base it always is. I almost had to completely throw in the towel in order to open my eyes and what I mean by that, is that when my ex left, I had no one that I needed to impress. I didn't have any standards but my own that I needed to live up to.

    It wasn't until the last few months when people started telling me how much of an inspiration I am to them that I started to see it.

    Congratulations on finding something that you feel will give you worth, but just remember that even with out it, being a mother is worth in of itself.
    2516 days ago
    Good for you! I hope to someday play one of your games, and if there's no opening in the gaming industry, you can still do so many thing (computer graphic design, etc, ).
    How exciting! You SHOULD be proud of yourself!
    2517 days ago
    You are right every person who is alive has value. It is sad what we do to ourselves when someone else tries to convince us we are worthless.
    I know you will do well in college and life if you always remember you are someone special therefore you have value.
    Best wishes on your journey to better health emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2517 days ago
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