60,000-79,999 SparkPoints 70,849

keep fyghting deep-reshun

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

there are chickadees on the empty birdfeeder i can see thru the glass doors to the deck outside the dining room where i'm sitting.

they just go somewhere else to find more food; they don't sit and whine about how empty it is, how inconsiderate it is for us humans to put it up and then not keep it filled, or how they'd like to just poop all over it. just to show us.

now they see the food we threw out on the lawn, and they're trying to figure out a way to get to some of it before the crows all get it, without being beaten up by the crows. our crows are fracking HUGE... visitors from the south who come here usually exclaim when they first spot one: "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?!!"

again, the smaller birds are not focused on how they wish things were different; they're just waiting for an opportunity to get something they need.

i could take a lesson from them.

when i'm hurt, especially by words from people i care about, i get very very very angry first. then, i get depressed. in a way that feels not just like a hole opened up underneath me, but that there's a vortex a the bottom of it trying to pull me down.

all i can do at times, some of these times, is to A. keep breathing. ~not always my first choice, but always the best one. B. put one foot in front of the other; it will not help ME if i allow myself to succumb to complete inertia. ~i've been there; it wasn't fun or easy or relaxing; i just thought it might be, allowed myself to go there, and then had a Very hard time breaking out. C. get support. i stood and stared at the phone when finally all the painters and bff had left for an hour or two, and considered that i really didn't want to wake dh if she were still sleeping; she doesn't get much good sleep these days. ~~then the phone rang, before i even had a chance to turn away; and it was dh calling. just cause, she said. u sound tired and hurt, she said; come home for a couple of hours or go up and lie down to nap for one or two.

she even understood when i suggested it might worsen my physical pain today if i drove home ~over bumpy hilly winding roads~ 16mi home, n' 16mi back, n' worrying about bff's reaction when he returned home to maybe find me not here.
he tries to pretend he's all better, n then he does waaaay too much, like he did day b4 yesterday, n' then he pays for it by being pretty much immobilized for a day after that... 'cept he still forces himself to come down to the living room n' make sure everyone else is okay!

i will go home tonight, when i can at least stay much longer and get real hugs n' busses from my dh and all our myriad of kittehs n' pupz.

the big boxer boy is especially good at snuggling on the bed;

WHEN he's not scramblin' n' pokin' in All! directions with those Humongously long legs of his, lol !

THERE. i've cheered myself up!
i'm still depressed, but the room seems brighter, and i believe now that my nap will rejuvenate me, not just give me an excuse to hide under the covers for a bit. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My goodness how many pups and kitties are there? They are so cute all snuggled n the bed together! emoticon
    2838 days ago
    Get out the rose-colored glasses to help the world look better while you regroup.
    We're here to support you on the journey.
    2877 days ago
  • TEKRU1
    emoticon Sorry you're hurting. You don't deserve it! I don't know why people are the big mean crows sometimes, but they are. You, my sweet little chickadee, just keep moving and looking for that opening, because it's there. And we're here with open arms and a full feeder. Just waiting for you!
    2877 days ago
    Lizzie....that vortex isn't going to suck you in. Nope, nope, nope. And words are the worst of all weapons. Worse than guns, knives - yes; worse than ALL. You are loved sweetie. You are missed sweetie. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2877 days ago
    Depression is a weird lens, turning the world gray and making everything hurt a bit more and value a bit less. Thank you for sharing what you are going through-- it's hard to open up about these things. I resemble many of your struggles, and anyone on sparks who tells you they've never been depressed are liars- depression is a part of life, and all of us have experienced that painful dull ache to some degree. Keep sharing, and keep searching for the light-- you will find it and show up brightly in a sunshiney day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen.

    I'll be there with a flowery mai tai for you.
    2877 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.