Still here and not giving up.
Monday, September 02, 2013
It has been way too long since I last wrote anything that I considered posting on this site. There are many reasons for this but the biggest comes down to my lingering insecurity. I tend to be shy by nature and in addition to that I suffer from low self esteem and insecurity. These qualities combined make it more difficult for me to voluntarily put myself out there. Add to that the fact that I’ve been stuck bouncing between the same 10 pounds for who knows how long, yeah it isn’t conducive to putting myself out there.
When I first started with Sparkpeople I was basically on the high of losing a great deal of weight. Unfortunately that high came to a screeching low when I couldn’t seem to get past that one magical number. It seems that no matter what I do, I can’t get past that point which further messes with my self esteem. Looking back at old blogs I acknowledge and I know that the wall I keep hitting is mental, yet I can’t seem to break past it. Add to that all the other stresses that have taken over my life and I am literally a mess.
I have been struggling for the past several weeks with everything. My workouts are suffering because my schedule isn’t routine and sadly if I fall out of routine I struggle. For many months I was set to walk with a friend twice a week throughout the summer she either canceled outright or changed dates at the last minute, thus throwing my schedule off. I wish I could say that these changes in schedule were taken in stride, but I would be lying if I did. After a while some of the excuses I was given were taken personally, and I let it throw so much off, not just my workouts. Sure, I have tried to talk to this person about the issues, but I get told that I’m imaging things because I’m depressed.
I’m not going to lie and state that I don’t suffer from depression and that this doesn’t affect me. I know that I suffer from depression, but I refuse to let that diagnosis define me. When I say this I am not making light of depression. I know just how serious depression is, however I do have a handle on my depression for the most part. I get tired of hearing that so and so is because I’m depressed. People like to throw the depression at me as a way to minimize my feelings or struggles. I have heard more times than I can count that “such and such” only frustrates me because I’m depressed and I take things wrong because I’m depressed. Now I’m not an expert on depression but I can say that my depression does not make my feelings about how I’m treated invalid. It does not make my struggles invalid.
See, this is the type of thing that I am constantly surrounded by. Trying to change yourself and lose weight when it feels like the world is against you is hard. Have I given up? NO. I still get up and workout in the mornings (for the most part). I’m still trying to eat healthy (because counting calories doesn’t work) and I’m trying to get past that plateau. So while I suffer from depression, low self esteem, shyness, introvertedness, and a basic lack of social interaction, I have not given up and will not give up. I’m hoping to be more active on here in the future and maybe expand my network of support (since my real life network is pretty nonexistent), so I thought an update was long overdue. I apologize that this may not be the most eloquently written blog post but I decided to just write from my heart and not spend too much time trying to make it something that it’s not. It’s not meant to be anything other than just an effort to put myself out there to show that I’m still here, and still fighting.