inside this place

Awoke to the sound of rain falling, hitting the leaves on the ground outside my window.
A nice morning to just roll over and go back to sleep. I had pretty much decided there would be no chance of a walk today, as the track is quite slick when its wet.
I walked onto my porch to feed the dog around 11am, and it was very chilly outside.
So, it has me craving a good long walk.
I think possibly, if no more rain, I will go to the park later and walk on some of the dirt trails, hidden by the trees, I am sure they arent muddy.
I think its a nice day for it, although, even as I type this, the sun is re-appearing and will probably get hot out.
Just my luck.
But anyway, its fall, might as well get used to it.
This time last year was sure different, I was at the height of my weight loss, losing at least a pound or two a week.
The future was looking so bright. I guess I hit a wall and it was a very tall one because since January I havent been able to get back to that place.
I dont give up, I make mistakes, often.
I eat things I wouldnt have dared touch a year ago.
And yes, I have moments of great guilt. Feelings of failure and desperation.
I try to stay positive. It isnt easy when you struggle and try and have one good day out of five. But I wont go back.
I will never say, "go ahead, have another piece of pizza, or drink a soda or whatever"
I will stay on this course, even when the wall jumps up and knocks me back down.
There has to be some give.
I MUST start losing weight again, its just that simple, I wont stop until I do.
This is my mantra, my will power is tested daily, my resolve, my desire....
I spark, I count calories, fat, protein, carbs, I try to add fiber, calcium, iron, and get my vitamins.
Each and every day I am here, each and every day I awake with the best intentions.
I know we arent supposed to focus so much on the numbers, we arent suppose to make it all about the scale, but I havent seen a loss in so long, there has to be some issue.
There has to be, right???
So, anyway, I will get that walk in today, because my body desires it. My heart longs for it, my mind says do it, and my determination says "show them"!!!
Show myself!