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My Great Passion in being Fat?!?

Monday, October 07, 2013

I've watched the Weight Loss shows and have seen when the contestants have the emotional breakdowns and the audience is shown the "Why" of their obesity. The majority of the time it can be traced back to some traumatic childhood incident that affected this person in such a negative way that they lost the ability to control their appetite and their weight ballooned to a grotesque amount. I always cry along with them and then secretly wish that I had some terrible "thing" that I could blame my weight on. But no, I had a good life. I was happy!! From the time I was a toddler, I had a sunny disposition. Everyone adored me, and that sentiment has followed me my whole life. Sure, I was chubby...but I was pretty and smart and funny and witty and sexy and confident and popular and charming and just full of personality. What wasn't there to love?? I didn't struggle with depression, or loneliness or self loathing or anything else that I could get psychological help for. I just had love for food that had been passed down for generations. This attitude took me through my 20's and into my 30's. It brought me to a marriage with a wonderful, handsome man and gave me four beautiful children. And then something happened. Perhaps a self realization, a moment of clarity where I saw my life for the farce that it was. I started to wonder why I couldn't get a handle on my weight. Why I had earned 116 credit hours for college and then dropped out and had no career. Why I was a good mom but not a great mom. Why I was a good wife but not a great wife. Why I was a good daughter, friend, sister...but just not great. Why I loved God but could not commit to a real relationship. Why was everything in my life just adequate but not fantastic? Where oh where was my passion? And then I saw it for what it only passion, the only thing I was really, really good at was being fat. Why? I began to question myself. I started to look where all the good weight loss shows looked: at my past. Well, my parents were divorced and my biological father had really pulled a number on me, mentally and spiritually. He is a pastor of a Mega Church yet I know how severely he would beat my mother while she was pregnant with me; she was so badly beaten that both she and I almost died at my birth. I suppose I may have some repressed issues with that guy. I recently remembered how when I was 8 or 9 and began to first get chubby, he and his wife and his parents would all crowd into the bathroom with me and place me on the scale and tsk about how much I weighed. Then they would offer me one dollar for every pound I would lose. I guess it didn't work. When I was 20 years old I got a job near where they lived and I moved in with him for the first time since I was a baby. There was a weekly weigh in where they "encouraged" me to lose weight. They also asked me not to sit on their wicker patio furniture anymore because they felt that I was ruining it. I have never shared these things with anybody. Not my mom, my step-dad, my husband, sisters, brother or friends. This is the first time I put it in writing. Can I blame weighing 265 pounds on that alone? I don't know. Is there more? Yes. I haven't spoken to my dad in 15 months but I haven't told him why. I just stopped answering his phone calls, emails and Facebook messages. Sometimes I like to avoid dealing with things.

Well, lots of people have crappy Dads. But I had a great Mom and a great Step-Dad (who legally adopted me so my biological father wouldn't have to pay child support!). My best friends were my sisters and my hero was my brother. Life was good. It really was. I don't have many complaints. I'm still a little spoiled from my parents and so are my kids. (My girls have an entire room dedicated to American Girl Dolls....if you know what that is about, you are pretty much in awe right now!! Thanks Gramma and Grandpa!) However, in the past six months as I have been on this, for lack of a better word, "journey" I have realized that my mom is narcissistic and a major hypochondriac. She can be overly exhausting. I love her with all my heart but sometimes....oh, sometimes.....why I'd like to.....well, you get the point. I don't have to spell it out for you.

So, bringing it back to present day...I have no fabulous talents, interests or hobbies. Unless shoveling food into my mouth counts in any of those categories. I have joined the BLC and the challenge was to write a blog, which I have done. I wasn't sure what I was going to write about and apparently I started typing and my heart took over. I'm not 100% sure where I need to go and what I need to do but I think that I know now that I don't love myself quite as much as I thought I did. And that perhaps I am self sabotaging with food. My next step is to find passion in being healthy. Find passion in exercise. And to shelf the "F-it" attitude!

Thanks for listening to me!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Amy, thanks for your story. I hope you find your PASSION! Passion may even start as a habit, and as a habit grows it can become a passion. I am rooting for you girl, and know you can do it!
    2656 days ago
    You have got a lot of fascinating and valuable insights.
    Please do find the passion in being healthy and in cooking healthy. You ask some fantastic questions and pondering the answers will be a work that will last for decades--I say that not to discourage you but to inspire you that it's time to keep on thinking; keep on analyzing; keep on asking your heart to pour forth its feelings!

    2657 days ago
    Loved your blog. Thanks for sharing.
    2658 days ago
  • _BABE_
    How can you explain why some people turn to food for comfort or company. We all learn to cope with what life throws us one way or another. I, too have searched my soul looking for some cause but realize it was just a twist of fate that I get solace from food. That may never change. What has changed is that I am mad enough now to do something different. It has ruled my life for so long depriving me of a better experience and that time needs to end now. emoticon
    2658 days ago
  • TREV1964
    I am in no doubt we can all blame anything for us all being overweight.

    Blaming something can help to justify the situation that we get left in at it's best & can help champion a sense of denial at it's worse.

    This is pretty much where I was at last year. Before I started my weight loss I asked myself what I consider to be two very important questions.

    Am I the very best person I can be?
    if not
    What can I do to make me the very best person I can be?

    Sometimes there is nothing in the past that can explain why we are the way that we are. One slice of bread consumed more than we need to maintain our weight each day can easily result in a 15 pound gain over the year. Times this by ten and we have a 150lb gain that has appeared so gradually between our 20th and 30th birthdays that we really don't notice it go on.

    I believe the secret of combating the weight situation is this.

    We just decide where we want to be in the future and start to take steps to begin to make that happen. Aim to loose a few ounces, then a few more. This becomes half a pound - follow what you are doing when this happens - you loose a pound - then just keep on repeating the process.

    The secret is to concentrate on the little bits - the mini goals and mini achievements. Let the big ones occur all by themselves.

    A very enlightening blog by the way.


    2658 days ago
    emoticon I had a wonderful dad but a crappy mom, so I get you. I was brought to a nutritionist as a child for my weight. I really think most of my problem was my dad had a high metabolism so he would eat 2nds and 3rds every night, but my metabolism wasn't like his!
    2658 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! That takes a lot to be able to put your thoughts into words. I admire you for being able to do that. You did have a hard life, and you're on your way to making it better. I bet you were and are a Great Person! Glad we are on the same team this BLC23.

    Much success in all your weight loss endeavors!
    2659 days ago
    Amy--I don't know you, but I saw your post listed on the BLC blog list. I'm so glad I decided to randomly click on it!

    Trauma is trauma; the "amount" doesn't matter, but how your mind and body respond to it. I think "breaking" with your father was a wise decision--though it may seem like you are not dealing with the problem, sometimes separating ourselves from the things that bring us down is the best thing for us. How brave you are to do that!

    I wish you the best in your journey, and know that you have the strength and even the PASSION to make your way to the path you are meant to take. You can do this!
    2659 days ago
  • ELSAT137
    Awesome blog. Thanks for sharing your heart and your hurt. It is hard to look at the real root of issues in our lives. It is great that you have discovered these things now it is dealing with them and making a plan to move forward. You can do this. No matter what your dad was like - God is there for you and will never leave you, or belittle you. I am finding this healthy journey for me is really a journey to seek God above everything in my life and to turn to him and not to food. Have you heard of the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa Turkerst? It is a great resource. I will be praying for you as you work through these things and as you push forward in your healthy living journey!
    2659 days ago
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