Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Most of the time, my conscious mind is in overdrive until the end of the day, when sleep mercifully takes over. Even then, my dreams are so intense that I occasionally awake feeling exhausted. Sometimes, I just wish for quiet. I have tried chanting, meditation, therapy, medications and focusing on any single thing. After 51 years, though, I have come to accept that I am wired this way. Period.
I have now been on morphine so long (6 years) that I don't experience the endorphin rush that I did when I was a young runner; my brain has learned to rely on morphine in place of those chemicals. Still, as I contemplate my daily exercise, I find that my busy mind's tedious occupation with what often feels like anything and everything, sometimes, is pleasantly replaced with euphoric feelings devoid of conscious thought.
It is a type of passion, I suppose, that is steadily creeping up on me as I commit to getting healthy again. Even the thought of action, as I prepare to go on a brisk walk or do a few sets of squats, seems to trigger it. Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote, "We must act out passion before we can feel it", and I believe this is what is occurring, little by little, day by day. So once again, today, I choose to follow his advice. Today, I will act out.