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Back from my trip and visiting family. Not boring.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

So my brother choked me in July and I called the police and we both spent the night in jail since I somehow scratched his arm while fighting for my life.... Yes, we are pressing charges against each other.... and my family is playing "blame the victim" since they all believe I should not have called authorities. What should I have done? Die? Allow myself to continue to be further intimidated anytime I try to see my family and he's around? It doesn't matter what I do. The moment my brother decided to strangle me, he took away my family. I believed that immediately after the fact, and I confirmed that (for the most part) on this first attempt to see any relative of mine. They blame me and so I do not feel "safe" around them either. So if it doesn't matter and they are lost to me no matter whether or not I press charges -- why do I press charges? --Because I still love and care about them and it is only a matter of time before he threatens their lives IF I do nothing. If I do something (press charges and win), it might give my brother pause before he acts, and it might give my family the "permission" they need not to abuse or be abused. Who knows? My line in the sand might save a life -- even though it possibly ruins my brother's. This is the only way I know to stop the transmission of violence through the generations of my family.

Really? What did *I* do? I hope we aren't still playing blame the victim! I had the temerity to utter the word "no" to him. Nope, I wasn't screaming: I wasn't sticking my face in his; in fact, I wasn't even angry. But I said "no."

So... the ones I saw tried to restrain themselves. They said nothing. The tension of saying nothing was thick and heavy and repressive. I tried to speak to my sister (who hadn't been there to witness the event) and she... declared her unhappiness with me. And wasn't interested in listening to me.

On the upside... I got to see my dental-student son and let him work on my teeth. Scary (I can't help it, he's my baby!) but he did a fine job! And I learned that no one had talked to him about what had happened and for that I am grateful. With my own kids, I have tried not to pass on the violence or the "blame the victim" attitude that gets adopted in violent and oppressed families... and I'm glad to report that my son did not express condemnation of my actions.

Further on the upside, I got to visit with friends, who allowed me to vent and who were supportive, and that really helped. I attended my 35th college reunion and had lots of fun. I needed that! For awhile, I was 20 again and in a safe place. I relaxed and enjoyed myself and renewed myself and restored my strength. An awesome 4 days! I had thought reunions must be tiresome, boring things -- but I was SO wrong! I attended interesting lectures, re-joined the Marching Owl Band on the field, re-connected with old friends and laughed and laughed, danced, made a few new friends, and ate until I popped. (okay, that last part wasn't THAT good!) If YOU haven't been back, I highly recommend that you give it a whirl!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so glad you're OK and also that you went! People have to held accountable for their actions - especially such violent ones. Went through this myself during my extremely brief first marriage. I was too young and trusting until the violence started. I would not allow that and had to leave the state but I still pressed charges! The only way to stop my ex-husband was to call him out publically on it. Good for you!
    2326 days ago
    Our family isn't violent now that we are adults- but they are verbally abusive. When my father was dying my youngest sister threatened to kill my mom if she didn't put him where she wanted him. I show my mom respect and saw her as his wife and told her my sister had no right. But my mom was afraid and now in her old age allows my 2 younger sisters to tell her what to do now that dad died. I can't even visit my own mother and she can't visit me. We talk on the phone often. But I always fear the day she doesn't answer the phone because they won't tell me she's gone. I too keep this from my children. My oldest found out a few things before she died and wanted to defend me. Bless her heart. But how do you defend yourself from things that make no sense?

    Sending you hugs and prayers Koshie!
    2329 days ago
    Koshie, I have to agree with Erin, NO one has the right to put their hands on another person.. for any reason! I'm sorry it has happened to you, it must be a terrible way to have to live. I'm glad you went beyond that though and had a good time with your friends and attend your college reunion and other fun things while you were there.

    2329 days ago
  • ERIN1957
    My God Koshie, I never knew.
    No one has the right to put their hands on another! NO ONE!!!Scratched...I would have fought like a tiger and there would have been more then a scratch. It was not right and the courts will see this. He made the wrong choice and he will pay the penalty for that, as he should.
    My gosh families that protect the guilty and for what reason? HE WAS WRONG! No one has the right to put there hands on another and never to harm. Heck you can't even touch a baby belly, more or less choke someone, sister or not!
    I am so sorry this happened Koshie, so very sorry. I know the hands of abusers and no on has the right to do these things, no matter what was said or done. You are right in standing up for yourself and what is right, breaking that pattern and holding him accountable.

    I am glad the rest of your trip was OK. I am assuming it was....because you didn't come back early and the reunion was great!
    2330 days ago
    All I can say is WOW!
    2330 days ago
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