December: I haven't blogged in a long time...

**LONG POST** Had some things on my mind & yeah, decided to share, and work things out in my head.

December has always been a difficult month for me. There are many people who struggle with this time of year for various reasons. My reasons may seem trivial to some, but relevant to me. I have a hard time with the cold, gray, wintry weather. It is hard to fight SAD, but even when we lived in my paradise of Tampa, Florida I had a hard time coping when December came around. It's been a month of stress, contention and sadness for me all my life.

Some get bit by the spirit of Christmas or the Holiday Bug, I get the Ba Humbugs! I have nothing against Christmas. I know what the true meaning is. However, growing up 'Christmas' meant more fighting by my parents and stress inside the family home. I dreaded the whole month because I knew no matter how much I wished and prayed or asked 'Santa', it would end up the same way every year. Shattered dreams, shattered feelings and more often than not, shattered belongings after one of dad's tirades.

When my kids were growing up, I bent over backwards every year to make sure they always had a nice, happy Christmas. Went in debt every year to give them everything they wanted or needed. 'Santa' never disappointed! Now that they've grown up, I'm relieved not to be in that pinch or feel so stressed to make things perfect for them. As they got older, we would explain what the true meaning of Christmas was, and it wasn't about gifts, expensive electronics, toys and brand name clothing. One less stressful, depression causing situation for me this year. We decided no tree, no gifts, no decorations. Instead we will load up and go for a hike or spend the day on the coast; weather permitting.

December is also my birth month, I've always hated it! As a young girl it was kinda fun to get Christmas & birthday gifts within days of each other, but I never had birthday parties as a kid; no one wanted to travel on icy roads and there's not much to do in the middle of winter, where I grew up, that we could afford. So my birthdays were spent at home with my parents & sister. Sometimes my grandparents would all come over for dinner and I'd get to pick a special dinner and cake. My 13th birthday I had my first sip of champagne. Hey it was the mid '80's - don't judge! I did get a sweet 16 party that was pretty awesome. I'll remember that forever! Best birthday ever!! My 18th I was pregnant with Austin. My 21st I had a 2 week old new born - Arron. The rest were just days on a calendar year after year. No significance. Nothing special.

Try as hard as I do to choose to be happy & grateful, every year brings the blues. I have so much to be grateful for and it seems so wrong to feel the way I do. I try to choose to suck it up and smile. I try to choose to be happy. But it all feels fake. Because it really isn't how I feel at all. When December comes I go into hibernation mode and I just pray the month ends as quick as possible. I paste a smile on for the outside world, but inside I'm digging for the light.

My goal & dream since January 2013 was to be in Hawaii for my 40th birthday. Part of the reason for that goal was to signify a new beginning for myself. Hawaii was going to represent hard work, big dreams coming true and a jumping point to finish my life transformation. I didn't earn the goal! Things got in the way, I didn't work hard enough and we just didn't have the money put away needed for the trip. So we moved the goal date; I still plan on making that dream come true, just a bit later than I had planned. And the significance of being there for my birthday will be lost.

I'm struggling with mixed emotions about the holidays and my birthday now. Trust me I know I need to be happy where I am, with what I have, and who I'll be with. So many people in this world wish they had what I have, and I do NOT take that for granted at all. I doubt anyone could really understand what I'm trying to figure out for myself. Sometimes I don't understand myself either!! I am complicated, contradictory and confusing at my best. Totally & completely lost at my worst.

All I really know at this point is I turn 40 years old in 25 days. And it feels like it's going to end up being just another day on the calendar like any other. It'll come, it'll go. No party. No sunshine. Nothing special. Being optimistic, I will hold out hope for a miracle. There is always hope. Since I can't be in Hawaii, my only wish at this date for my birthday (and the holidays in general) is to be somewhere sunny. Forest, mountain top, ocean or all the above -- as long as I have Nature Therapy, Sunshine Therapy & my family I can survive anything.