Forgiveness & Acceptance
Saturday, January 04, 2014
It is hard to return after such a long absence. I hope you all know that even in my absence, I have thought about you often. I'd like to tell you that nothing is wrong - and that I've been busy living life in my new body...but I cannot. The truth now revealed is that, I have been a prisoner of my mind and body. First please accept my apology for abandoning my blogging and contact you. This blog is my way of starting to forgive myself. It's a process, and won't happen overnight, but the sooner I retrain my Mentally Unhealthy body, mind, and soul on God, Family, and Friends instead of “the past” I will resume my earthly journey and stop my physical and social isolation.
I think back to prior blogs using my analogy of life as a journey, like a car ride, and you have to focus on today, keep your eyes on the road, learn from the detours and learn the lessons by sharing your experience with your friends (and occasionally a complete stranger). Honestly I don't know how I let this happen, I blinked and 2013 was gone. I don't want to feel this way again. The hole in my heart seems so cavernous and wide that nothing will bridge the divide. For the better part of the last year I haven't even been driving my car, living my journey, or staying connected to God and His plan for me. I have been doing the very thing I warned you of in that car analogy. I kept focus on the rearview mirror, never looked forward, lost myself in pain of the past and disconnected from nearly everyone and everything in my life.
Half my life ago a dear friend from college (Beck, yep that's you) told me (after I told her about my life's successes and failures) said to me, “I’ve never known anyone who’s life is such a rollercoaster, every time you achieve more, you either get bored and try something completely different, or lose everything.” How prophetic she was back then. My “all or nothing, up or down, high, low or manic joys and accomplishments or depressed/suicidal was textbook mental. 49 years later I understand why I feel like I’m always starting over – I live on a Bi-Polar Roller Coaster.
It took 49 years to realize my life has always been Bi-Polar. The first of my “attempts” (a lame one at that), was as a sophomore in College. Combine booze with pills in the bottle that has the warning label telling you not to drink with it. It just came back to me now, that very night, aside from not finding anyone to really confess my actions too, was the first time I saw Jesus’ face. I didn’t even drink that much or take that many tablets that night – a couple hours after which my eyes blurred and then only for a brief moment, I saw His face. I felt forgiven. His forgiveness was limitless and absolute…But fast forward three decades and I am still trying to forgive myself.
Why my mind picked now to remind me of that “vision” 29 years ago is simple – Jesus has always been my Footprints in the Sand…God, The Bible – I felt forgiveness and peace…and the next day continued my life of consumption and excess. It was easier than coming out of the closet…At least back in the 80s. While I did first learn to truly forgive others in College, I couldn’t forgive myself. By January, 1986 my weight had ballooned to 365 lb. I resolved to lose the College weight gain and by Graduation in June I was down to a svelt 220 lb. How did I accomplish this in 5 months? I did two things, I ate 1400 calorie low fat diet under Dr’s supervision and danced at the only Gay night club 3 or 4 nights a week with my female dates. I had a couple of male friends that were Gay and danced with me too, but I seemed to queerest of the bunch – yet always had a female date. During that time I rarely drank nor binged like the bulimic I was in High School. That Winter and Spring of 1986 was the first time I tried to take care of my body and accept my sexuality.
When I graduated, not only did I look fabulous, but my entire immediate family (27 or so) was all in attendance. That day was one of the first and only times I felt truly proud of myself. Up until that moment I was only concerned with making my mother, father and grandparents proud.
Yes I am an only child. Some would say I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. Other’s just called me spoiled or pretentious. I guess it was easier than being misunderstood by most and labeled a queer or a fag. So I continued dating great women climbing corporate ladders, jumping off them, owning a bar. At least I came out of the closet in 1998. 90 days in Parkside will do that do to you… I cried when I received Small Business Person of The Year Award for my gourmet store, then lost everything a year later.
Yesterday on TV I heard, “my best thinking got me to this point.” I hadn’t really heard that phrase since my stay at Parkside 25 years ago. I think for many – that simple statement can be a life-changer, a wake-up call, an epiphany even… Not to me!!! Some people live life at ground level, others climb 3, 6, or even 12 steps to happiness. A couple years ago I couldn’t walk up 3 or 4 steps without pain, and the 17 steps I climb to my 2nd floor office and bedroom used to send my heart into overdrive.
“Nothing less than everything I have done” has got me to this point, and finally I feel the hope again. 2012-2013’s blogs contain more truth about who I am than any single person was ever allowed to know – not even my closest friends or family knows me this well, and since my memories come and go as they please – you probably know me better than I do at this point.
I have learned, and come to this conclusion – until I get better at healthy living and stop being so hard on myself, the groundhog days will continue. These past nine months have been the longest mental depression (and I mean literally, depressed my mind, ignored my body) and want to not make these mistakes again. Monday I see my psych and stomach surgeon – both great guys. I am asking the psych to re-evaluate my meds and doses and alternatives because something isn’t right. My stomach surgeon on the otherhand will give me a smile and a good dose of Yiddish guilt when I am completely honest about my narrowly avoided Vertical Gastric Sleeve burn through.
Thank you for reading this dear SparkFriends. Here I have found a forum for positive affirmation with people just like me and completely different than me. You have given me support, understanding and unconditional love. You all have helped me accept, understand, and learn about who I am. I am forever grateful and cherish your presence in my life –
God Bless- “Sprink"