being eaten by a bear is a much quicker death
Sunday, January 26, 2014
“Nothing burns like the cold. But only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don't have the strength to fight it.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
“In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear”
― Flynn Meaney, The Boy Recession
I wonder lately if it would be better to be eaten by a bear? than to endure the winter we are now.
I must confess, I havent been Sparking much the last few days. I havent been doing much of anything really.
Freezing seems to take up quiet a bit of my time.
Huddled under a blanket, with thick socks and a hoodie at times.
Trying to conserve, and yet my electric bill was still over 300 dollars.
We went to go to the new place but the hill was a solid sheet of ice and my heart sank deeper and I knew I couldnt endure this.
I cannot and will not be made a prisoner on a hillside deep in a cold dark holler.
Having to bring my car off in the event of every snow that comes so that I might not be stranded there.
And still knowing that if I do, it means walking off the snowy icy covered road and that in itself is a danger I do not want to face.
I just dont think I can do this.
I think the best move for me is to go and try to get into some kind of rental assisted apartment, I know I cannot stay in my own home and I cannot go to a home that is as cold to me as the wind that cuts thru me everytime I open the front door.
Depression and desperation have taken over the last few days and I am sinking.
I havent been watching what I eat or caring to take the time to track it.
I feel so lost and indecisive. I think the biggest fear for me is knowing that deep down I have made my choice and he has made his and that means no more compromise, because I was the only one who was compromising at all, defeated and surrendering to a life in a place I had no desire to be.
I guess there are worse things, like actually being there.
My body aches all over, I went to bed last night shivering and shaking from cold, and I feel my throat is getting sore, my ears have been infected for days.
I know that the stress is taking a toll on my life, on my health, on the food choices that I make, on every aspect of my being.
I feel broken, but I am not, no one can ever break me and that is the part he cant stand, he doesnt see the problem with my being stuck in a place that to me is isolated and dark and alone and ungiving, and I cant make him see that the very thought of it depresses me to the worst possible feeling of all.
I am very much at a crossroads.