loss and lost but not losing!!!
Thursday, May 01, 2014
For 3 weeks my so called best friend has not spoken to me.
It all began with a "he-said, she-said" situation, and I believe the HE said.
I wont go into detail, but I will just say, two people in my life were discussing me behind my back and deciding what is best for me.
What I should do, where I should live, things I have said.
And one got mad, one denied saying what they said, and both I told to stay out of my personal life and leave me to make the decisions I need to make.
This person was my best friend.
Ladies, you know what I am talking about, the one friend.
The one you tell EVERYTHING to, the one you know will never betray you, the one who puts everything in the vault and throws away the key.
Well, I guess she left the lock unlocked when she got drunk and ran her mouth and denied saying what she said.
The things she said werent even really deeply bad.
They were just things I never thought she would talk about behind my back and the denial was the part that angered me, had she just said, yes, I had too much to drink and messed up, I am sorry.
I would have said ok, talked it over and moved on.
But she lied, she made the other person out to be a monster, a troublemaker and the cause of all the issues.
And that is partly true, but not all because she was there, she was in the conversation and she said things as well.
So, I told her that I need some time to myself and that I think its best for everyone to just leave me to make my own life choices and that I am not a child who needs people making decisions for me.
So, she hasnt spoken to me.
She hasnt liked or commented on anything, she is still there, but not.
And while I am a little bothered by it and wish she had the backbone and the heart to apologize or just say hello.
But I guess she and I are both being stubborn.
But I am not in the wrong here, am I????
I am not 100 percent bothered by her not being in my life.
She wasnt there for me the last few months anyway. Since she got back with her boyfriend, the cad.
She let alcohol run her life and play a big role in ruining a friendship.
I really feel betrayed and what other things might she have discussed about me, private things I have told her???
and all because she likes to get drunk and run her mouth.
So, not only because of this, but maybe partly, I have had a few bad weeks.
I have really fallen off the wagon.
NOT alcohol, I havent had a drink and dont feel the need to have one.
But I am not exercising much at all, my feet are bothering me so much, and my ear is full of fluid and wont drain and I cant sleep at night because of it.
I am eating junk I shouldnt be eating and I am just really sliding deep down.
I am hanging on and not giving up.
But today I sat in my car, not wanting to go home, not knowing where I wanted to go at all, but remembering the betrayal of yet another friend at the beginning of last year and how deeply that affected me.
Because yesterday I had to take a road I dont normally travel and was tired and it was beginning to rain and I had to give someone a ride and was wanting to hurry home and I came upon that person, met them on a narrow one lane part of the road where we both had to slow to pass and knowing this person wouldnt even look my way as if I didnt exist and my car wasnt right there and feet from them and all that pain and anger came back again.
And now here I am again.
Feeling friendless and betrayed and lost and angry and wondering why my feet have started bothering me so much and why I cant get my ear healed and dreading going to the doctor next week for lab testing and weight check.
And I sat there in my car, just sitting there until my car began to idle and jerked me out of my deep thought.
And I found myself wondering what is wrong with me that attracts me to these no good friends, people who dont honor their word, and people who can drop you as a friend as fast as you drop a bar of soap in the shower!!!!
I sat there.
With no answers.
And I am a little bit happy that she isnt in my life with her alcohol and her creep troubled boyfriend.
and I am a lot hurt that she betrayed my trust and lied to me about it.
And I am proud of myself for standing up to her, but also wondering if it plays a role in my slip up?
and how to get back from it.
I havent been depressed, I am not so much stress eating as I have just allowed myself a break that I cant find my way back from.