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Today...can I do it?

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Yeah, I can do I want to....not so much! I woke up just worn out. Maybe I over did yesterday or maybe it is because it is overcast today? Anyway about it I am trying to push through. My lungs hurt and are heavy, can't get much air in them. Taking my son to school I try to suck up as much fresh air as my lungs will allow. HA I went 6 blocks past the school, I can tell my mind isn't working well. I got him to school and come home, knowing I need to keep it low carb instead of grabbing something with carbs to give me energy. My fasting bsl is creeping up. But still on average 130 which is amazing. I AM WEAK. I made myself and my oldest son eggs with onion and mushroom, and coffee. The coffee helped open my lungs and give me some pep. We have done 100 squats so far with the 10lb medicine ball. His back hurts during it so we take breaks. Today my exercise goal is 40 minutes. It took us 10 total minutes to do 100 squats. So I am debating doing my elliptical bike the rest of the 30 minutes or am I just too weak and maybe I should do exercises for my core instead. I feel like the bike is more effective for weight loss but my brain knows strength and core helps too. I think my body is saying "HEY DO SOMETHING ELSE YOUR DOING TOO MUCH WITH THIS THING!" I need to be careful. I started with 5 minutes of any exercise. And have worked my way up to 40 minutes in a week! For that I am proud, yet struggling with moving forward.
Yesterday WAS a go go go day! I did 35 minutes on the bike yesterday then walked for a 2 and half hour. Enjoyed the sun...although I am not supposed to be IN the sun and was breaking out from it by the end of yesterday ... ha ha oops! I like the sun, but because of my medications...the sun does not like me! Bring on the sunscreen and hats!
Sigh.......I think I need to look back on my life to pull strength. I have been tested with internal strength more times than I care to count. Mentally.....very strong. Physically...mmmm yes I have it in me. I had 3 kids without pain meds. No epidurals, nothing. If I can deal with that pain and exhaustion, I can do some exercise! Maybe...and I shouldn't go to this thought but I already did...I could bare children like that because I knew there was a finish line of sorts to it. Exercise seems endless and punishment, although I am trying to NOT look at it that way. I am trying to look at it as a daily function like eating, going to the bathroom and breathing. Looking at it as what allows me to wake up each day, what allows me to watch my little one grow up, my middle one graduate and get his license, and my oldest start his carreer. I miss having babies around and completely look forward gran kids, but don't want my sons to hurry into it.
I look back to when I was in my young 20's with one kid and an abusive husband. I was brought up marriage was forever no matter what. Divorce was not acceptable. Well, I left him. With my son. Without letting him know. I found shelter for my son with a friend, but there was no room for me. So I slept on the beach or in people's homes of anyone who would allow me to sleep for a night. I barely ate, I gave my 1 year old son anything there was to eat. For months I did this. I had a job but had to walk miles from the bus to the trolley to get to another town that hired me. My husband made it hard for me. I managed to get a plane ticket to Kansas, where my parents and brother were, but it was sent to his condo. I went from San Diego to Mesa to pick it up in hopes to escape him. But he was sitting with a gun waiting. I woke in the hospital and don't recall what happened that night. I know I got on the plane the next day to get picked up by my family. My oldest and I were now safe. I dated that man for 3 years before marrying him. He showed no sign of how he was now acting until after we were married. I divorced that man and eventually remarried to a man who adopted my oldest son and raised him like his own. If I can survive through that and more....I can survive this. Pain is a reminder you are moving forward through a rough patch in your life. A reminder you are trying hard to move forward and need to keep working at it. I keep telling myself that. I look back at all the pain and rough times I have had. And I look at where I am today. I am not rich with money, but I am with my family. It has taken tons of work on relationships, time, etc...but myself, husband and kids are happy. It has been a long journey to get here. Tougher than I thought I could handle at times, but we made it through. Exercise is a small thing. No where near the struggles I have endured. I have many stories to draw from. I can do it.

Thanks to those who support me on here, I know I am new here. I appreciate it beyond words. emoticon
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