After taking a long hiatus from SparkPeople, yesterday, I signed on, restarted my program, and for the first time ever on SparkPeople, posted my weight on the ticker of my SparkPage.
Up until yesterday, the number 301.4 was an embarrassment for me, a number that I would never openly and honestly admit to. Up till now, all that was posted on my ticker was my weight loss goal, measured by the number of pounds hoped to be lost.
Yesterday, I sat for a bit in front of the computer, contemplating as I thought to myself, "It's got to be different this time. I've got to be committed in a stronger, yet more realistic way." I also thought to myself, "I've got to own this. Without shaming myself, I've got to own this."
So here it goes:
I've got to own the fact that weight loss and maintenance is a struggle for me and may very well be for the rest of my life. I've got to own the fact that I do not make myself a priority, especially in the midst of career deadlines and household chaos. I've got to own the fact that old habits do creep up on me from time to time, and when they do, I have a really hard time getting back to a healthful lifestyle. I've got to own that, after all the hard work I initially did on SparkPeople, with a weight loss from 320 pounds to 255 pounds, I've undone the majority of all that hard work. And although I do love myself, I've got to own that it's somewhat painful and embarrassing for me to wear this heavier body... again.
So I have chosen to own where I stand today, and without beating myself up, I am taking responsibility for my health and my body in a way that, right now, at least for today, calms me and empowers me, and that's by blogging about it.
This excessive weight is killing me little by little, literally, and it makes me so sad. It makes me so sad to think of who I once was, what I looked like, what I was physically capable of doing, how I was able to participate fully in my life, and the truth is I want that dynamic person back so very badly.
Inconsistency and lack of balance have become such a familiar part of my life now, and I wonder if I ever will be lean, strong, and healthy again -- and I mean truly and consistently, and not for six months where I get my groove on until the Autumn chaos comes back around or the holidays bring that all-too-familiar rebellion and feeling of feast-entitlement.
For me, I don't know what the answer is, but I do know this. Coming back on SparkPeople yesterday filled me with hope once again. I told myself, "Give yourself the gift of drinking ALL your water today and tracking your food. Just do that. Give yourself just one day."
Today is Day 2. After just one day of drinking 8 glasses of water, my urine looks clearer and lighter, I have more energy today, I feel more clear-minded, and there's a pleasant calm within me.
Right before my hiatus from SP, I had this recurring thought of "Why should I have to be so neurotic about tracking every single thing I put in my mouth?" I'll admit, it was driving me a bit crazy. But what I realized today, on my second day of tracking, is that it is a very enlightening tool that does help keep you mindful of what, when, and why you're eating. And, right now, that's the tool that will be at the forefront of my journey.
I also realized, that even during the weight gain, where my old eating-absolutely-everything-a
nd-anything habit reigned, many times, I truly wasn't enjoying what I was eating. There is something to be said about the pleasure and anticipation that comes with planning out your meals and taking the time to prepare them and account for them on your tracker.
This was my lunch yesterday on Day 1:
I can't remember the last time I had such a delicious piece of salmon...
And this was my lunch today on Day 2:
That's artichoke bruschetta in the middle... It gave the lettuce and chicken such a good flavor.
And so I am ready to own where I am today, but I am also ready to begin anew, to strive towards attaining the goals that will give me the limitless, healthy, lean body I've yearned for, for so long. I'm also ready to own reaching my goals and accepting my weight loss as it comes. I am ready to own my worth, that I deserve to feel beautiful, healthy, strong, and unlimited. I am ready to own the empowerment of me.