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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I have been going back thru some old emails and sparkmail and cannot believe that I have some going back as far as 2010. Must have just started using SP.
I was just sitting here thinking, as I was deleting old junk, DELETE!!!
Wouldnt life be so much easier, if we could just take a look at some event in our lives and then hit delete and its gone????
Wouldnt our hearts ache less for those who we have loved and lost, those who have passed away.
Some painful event, just hit delete.
It reminds me of that movie with Jim Carrey, where he wants to stop hurting, so he is programmed to slowly begin forgetting, and as his memories fade, he realizes, he wants them back.
As painful as some things in our lives are, we cannot delete them, we can never really forget them.
Maybe the people with dementia and Alzheimers dont really forget them either.
Maybe they just keep them silently locked away inside the mind.
Last night I accidently clicked on an old email, not knowing what it was and there was a pic of an old friend who I no longer see or speak to and I asked myself. "If you could go back and change things, would you"?
I have asked myself that countless times and the answer is yes and no.
As bad as I have hurt in my life over the loss of people, I wouldnt change knowing them, I wouldnt change sharing a small part of my life with them.
I also ask myself that about my weight, if I could go back to my 20s when I was still at a reasonable weight, what would I do differntly.
Of course, diet and exercise and not drinking and making wiser choices then would have made my life alot easier.
But life isnt easy.
There is no EASY button!!!
And dwelling on the past and hanging on to things and words from the past doesnt change the past.
We are who we are because of the decisions we make, we are who we are because of what we are able to hold on to or let go of.
Driving yesterday, this same old friend crossed my mind and I wondered why this one person, out of all the people I have known, wont go away???
Well, they did go away, I mean, why cant I let them go?
Our friendship at that time meant no more to me than any other friendship I have had.
I have had friends who I was much closer to and moved on from without much fanfare.
i wonder if its because this person was there for me during the time of my biggest weight loss, they were a positive influence, always listening to me and encouraging me and telling me how great I was doing.
It wasnt until they stopped speaking to me, responding to calls, or texts that I realized how much I had enjoyed being friends with them, and I think what has bothered me isnt the loss of them so much as the fact I have had to ask myself why and I turned it inward, had to be something I did.
Something I said.
But in the long run, its a gone friendship and in the end I know I am better off, seeing them from the outside looking in, I see the flaws I missed.
The condescending attitude and the careless way they treated others.
They were too materialistic and had no respect for their own family, so what made me think I was so special.

Well anyway, it is time to realize, with memories, you cant just hit the delete button.
Time to move on ahead.
But try as I might I cant let go for some reason, so I have to live my life with the memory of them, and hope that sooner or later their light fades.
Today my son celebrates 3 years of being clean and drug free and its a good day.
If the rain stays away, I plan to go walking later and be happy to be alive and able bodied enough to walk and eat healthy, as yesterday was a good day, so I will strive for today to be good also.
No more saving things I dont need, or people who dont need me!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRADMILL2922
    That would be nice to have a delete button for some things. Really interesting and thought provoking blog!
    2343 days ago
    I just couldn't put your blog down, I had to read every single word, and then had to read it over again. Thinking back on some of the things I have thought I'd like to change always seemed to have a result that I couldn't think of not having. Like I should never had married my Ex, but then I wouldn't have my 3 sons. If I could be back to when I was slender, I wouldn't have the wonderful husband I have now. And it just goes on and on, so I guess there is nothing I would change. Love my life just the way it is. Just have to except the way things are.
    2343 days ago
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