the mind is a terrible thing......
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I spent all day Tuesday depressed and down. I really dont know why other than SAD, the sunny days we had disappeared and were replaced with doom and gloom and dark clouds and rain.
The place where I live is surrounded by trees, its very wooded and while we get alot of evening sun, the day is usually spent searching out the sun.
Yesterday was better, I spent the day getting my hair done, stopped off at the grocery store and made it back to my car with seconds to spare before the rain hit hard. Thankfully my doo was spared.
I sat in my car for probably 20 minutes, allowing the downpour to soften then I came home and made a frozen pizza.
Yes, I know, not the best choice, but I have cooked every night for a week or more and I was just tired.
Now today, its rainy and overcast again and I am not depressed, but just very unmotivated for the task I had planned to tackle today.
I had really hoped to wake to see the sun peaking thru and the clouds passing on so I could go and get a good morning walk in and then come back to start cleaning and organizing.
It is only 5 weeks til vacation and I cannot wait to be on the beach, I just hope we see sun all the while.
Last year our whole first night and day there it poured, the lifeguards had put out the warning flags so no one could go in the water.
I am really struggling with my mind and how to eat.
I have gotten to the point that every bite I take I instantly regret, this morning I ate 1 piece of deli sliced ham and I thought I was cheating, why not an orange, why not a healthy meal??
I was just hungry and grabbed the ham from the fridge and while I know it isnt calorie laden or full of sugar, etc, my brain wants to convince me that I was wrong for eating it.
I have been getting my wires and signals crossed alot here lately when it comes to eating.
My mind is telling me to go for the honey bun and who has time to chop up spinach or slice tomatoes.
But a slice of ham is bad!!!
I feel I am falling into a bad pattern for eating and forgetting what is healthy and just going for the easy.
I know better and I have the healthy food here.
I have veggies and lean meats and chicken and fish, so why do I feel like every morsel I eat is wrong and that eating at all is bad????
When did this way of thinking suddenly slip into my brain again???
I wonder if the SAD is playing a role in this, as we eat when we are down and depressed, but I am NOT eating intentionally because every bite I eat makes me mad at myself, I have to find a happy medium and stop beating myself up over eating.
I was having a conversation last night with a friend about WLS and I told her sometimes I feel like going ahead with the band, even though I swore 2 years ago I wouldnt go back to that.
She told me about a cousin they had just lost this week, he had gastric bypass 2 weeks ago and died from complications.
I dont even want to consider that as an alternative, I made that hard choice 2 years ago and I was doing so good, now I am lost again and dont know how to get back on track.
And its all mental.
I wonder if this isnt how bulimics feel???
So, I am going to jump off this computer, do my dishes and laundry and hopefully by afternoon I will be out of this slump and onto the task I had scheduled for today, moving some boxes and organizing some stuff out of two bedrooms and maybe, hopefully bringing myself to dump some of it for the trash truck.
Right after I find myself something healthy to eat.