OK..That's done..now what do I do??
Thursday, June 05, 2014
It's been almost four years since I've lived a healthy lifestyle (wow...writing that out is shocking... When I think about it, it feels like it was only two years ago). I was on a roll. I had found my self esteem and my spirit. I was confident and in control. I was eating healthy and was able to run a 5k without stopping. I had lost 54 lbs and still had 55-60 lbs to go. But I felt soooooo damn good. I finally cared about clothes again and wanted to do things...anything!
Then some things happened. It felt like they happened TO me and I was feeling like my life was out of control. Before I even knew what happened, I had lost control. I don't even really remember it happening. A binge here or there. Skipping the gym for a day, two days, two weeks. And one day I woke up and I was right back where I had started, feeling like I'd won the lottery and then just threw it all away.
It was hard to acknowledge that I'd ever really been in control, because then I would need to acknowledge that I'd blown it. I had it! I didn't even have to work at it! But then it was just gone.
Over the past four years, I've dipped my toes in the water, losing 2 lbs, 5 lbs, even 10 lbs. but I was just playing at it. I don't think I've ever believed I could really do it again even though I know intellectually that I absolutely can.
I've let every little bump in my life be an excuse to not really commit again. For the past year and a half it's been my son that I've been using as an excuse. Because of a lot of changes and heartache leading up to his senior year, he was unable to go to school. He was very depressed and suffering from anxiety. it was terrifying and for a long time the only thing I cared about was getting him well and then getting him his high school diploma. It was difficult and took a lot of work and counseling but he is doing much better and he is as of today a high school graduate! I couldn't be more proud of him!! When I sat down tonight, I realized we did it (it truly was a family effort) and that my role as a mother is changing now. Both of my kids are now out of high school and while I know that is in no way an end to parenting, parenting does change now. The way I see it, the "job" part of being a parent has pretty much ended. I hope to always have influence in my children's lives but they are both adults now and so my role changes.
What really struck me though is that, I now have "time" to focus on myself. Yikes, I actually have the time to go to the gym (what I should say is that I don't have the excuse of having to be home "cheerleading" or "nagging" my son through his education")!! And so, now as I'm here being honest with myself, I know I don't want to go to the gym. Don't get me wrong! I want to be healthy and I'd love to be thinner and to have energy. I guess I just want it to happen TO me...hmmm. It doesn't really work that way and I know that.
I need to have a coming-to-Jesus moment with myself. I know this: I do not want to be a diabetic for the rest of my life, I do not want to take blood pressure medicine, or diabetes medicine or statins for high cholesterol. I do not want to be afraid to go to the park because I won't be able to complete the hike around the waterfall. I don't want to feel sad because my son has to go on rides at the fair by himself because I won't fit in the seat. I don't want to look in my closet every day and sigh. I don't want to die...not for a very long time.
So, I know what I want. I just need to know what I'm willing to exchange in order to avoid those things. It's not like I don't know what it takes. I know exactly what it takes. Do I have the heart to do it, to make the changes? My son once told his counselor that I'm the strongest person he knows. But I don't feel strong. I feel like a scared little girl. It seems silly to be scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. Of not being to eat crap (food that doesn't nourish my body) whenever I want and in the quantity I want? Well that sounds ridiculous when I put it like that. Am I afraid of spending 30 minutes in the gym instead of sitting in front of the television? Well that sounds silly too. I spend more than 30 minutes a day looking for an interesting show to watch. Am I afraid of failing again? What would happen if I fail? I'll be where I am now... So what do I really have to lose? What am I waiting for?
What if I try again? What if I do the things I know how to do? If I remember how good I felt when I moved my body and sweated? If I remember how good it felt to be in control of my choices? I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. As a rational person, how can I argue against that?
I'm not sure yet if I'm all in. I am sure that tomorrow, I'm going to *make choices*. I'm not going to go through my day like I'm a robot following some (bad) programming.
I plan on making choices tomorrow. Better choices. Right now, that's all I can commit to.