DACIUS

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Crushing

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

There are few times in my life where I would say I was truly depressed. Many times I would tell you I was just being a baby about a lot of things. But today, I can't breath. I cannot smile. I cannot concentrate. I went to work this morning, hoping it would take my mind off of my real world problems. It did not. Instead I spent two hours trying to not cry at my desk (pretty miserable failure). So many things are bad with me right now, and I honestly do not think I can change a lot of them. The worst part is they have completely extenguished my spark. All the new energy I was getting, all the fire I felt building inside to make me a stronger, healthier person is completely gone. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. Just want to lay there until this thing called life moves on and forgets me. I can't do that of course. I have to work, I have to be a father to my boys. Those are the two things I am good at. I suck at being a husband, suck at being a friend, suck at being a healthy and atheletic person.

The weight of this world I have built around me is crushing.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NANADERRICK
    It sounds so cliché, but God really doesn't make no junk. It also is so easy to say, it will get better, but take it from another one who has been there, done that, it WILL. If all you can do it eat one reasonable healthy meal a day, then do that. Every day, do that one thing. Sooner or later, you will be making another better decision. And it will get better. Try to focus on what you want, not on what is lost. We are here for you! emoticon emoticon
    2082 days ago
  • WOODSYGIRL
    Sorry--I didn't think it posted the first time so I had to try to remember what I wrote! Apparently I've now posted twice...dang laptop!

    I've been here more times than I can count and I refer to it as the Gift of Desperation. I've walked into my OA meeting more times than not feeling like absolute garbage, but I was still there. And that's what you did. For the past two years your life has been in an uproar, but what you did differently this time is you reached out to your spark family. That alone is a step. Allow yourself today to feel like crap and just wallow in it if you have to. This is the only day you have to think about. We can do anything for 24 hours that would kill us if we thought we had to do it forever. And in this 24 hour period, break it down into 5 minute increments if you have to. I can tell you that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are right this minute is not where you are going to be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Not every day is going to be gung-ho enthusiasm with limitless positivity. Not only is that not realistic, it's not even healthy because a person gets burned out. But the days that are really good and you feel really good balance out those awful self-esteem beating days. I have to remind myself constantly that "feelings aren't facts." While what I'm feeling has value, whether positive or negative, it's not factual. I'm not nearly as bad as I think I am, and I'm also not as good or clever or smart, etc that sometimes I think I am. My emotions tend to want to dictate "what is" and that's just not going to happen. Where you are at today is perfectly ok. You reached out and shared what you are going through and that is a step--a spark if you will.
    2083 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/10/2014 7:11:29 PM
  • WOODSYGIRL
    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.
    2083 days ago
  • WOODSYGIRL
    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.
    2083 days ago
  • WOODSYGIRL
    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.
    2083 days ago
  • A_RARE_BEAN
    emoticon I agree, the fire isn't gone, it just feels like it is. Wishing you well.
    2083 days ago
  • QNOFHARTS
    As your friend, I can tell you: You do not suck at being a friend. That is worth repeating. YOU DO NOT SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND.

    I am so excited that you're back in our lives. The hiatus was unfortunate, but completely understandable. The fire isn't gone. If it was, you wouldn't have made this blog entry. Find the spark. It may take some patience, but it's there and you'll find it again. :)

    One of my favorite quotes: "Its not easy, but its worth it. Now repeat that everyday."

    Love you. emoticon
    2083 days ago
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