Thursday this week and things I notice about me.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
I made it to Thursday again this week. I am sore but not from biking. Got all my meds back into my system right again and should be more comfortable in a short amount of time.
Some things I notice about me visually and physically.
I notice my neck is slimmer and my face. But with those I see damage done by my x husband, and by a disease that kills my bones. I can see how my nose isn't straight and where the breaks were. I can see much of my jaw has died and where. I can even see on my forehead a couple places my skull had been cracked. I initially don't like it. Don't like what I see. To people who don't look at me every day or up close maybe you can't tell. But I can, my family can. I can see knobs where my clavicle has been broken too. I always wanted a beautiful collar bone. I notice that my joints from the waste up are tight and sore. This is from medication and arthritis. It isn't as bad as it used to be but I feel it creeping back.
I notice my lungs aren't hurting every day. Most days I am able to take in much more breath. I don't wake with headaches anymore either. I am able to exercise for longer periods of time, my legs are finally not tired all the time and hurt! That is a great feeling lol. I am able to go longer on my bike and achieve new things that empower me.
I notice I am not hungry much and that I am controlling the overeating. I still have issues with under eating at times.
I am ok with anything I eat or drink. I am ok if I decide to rest. I am ok with these because I make sure I put all in when I exercise. I try to exercise for at a minimum an hour a day on my bike. I know if I dedicate my time to the bike, it will be kind to me and return a healthy body back to me.
I was going to wait until I was UNDER 200 pounds to get myself a music player of some kind. But my husband was complaining how he never uses his ipod anymore so I hopped at the chance to use it! He brought it home from work and I figured out how to stick my music on it and I went to town yesterday! Music, biking....I was in heaven!!!!! So powerful, so happy, so fulfilled, so amazed at how easily I reached a new record. So proud of myself. So excited I CAN do this and am ABLE to do this now! It has been a very long time since I had energy and have been sharp minded and not been in bed or on the couch after surgeries, reactions to medications, or bone graft failures. I am soaking up every second! I missed so much of my life. So much of the boy's lives.
I told one of my boys that I want him to be proud of me and know that I AM strong. That I will always fight to live. I told him that I wanted him to know I was a person who could do ANYTHING and beat ANYTHING. And I hope those mindsets get passed onto my kids.
I have gone from a size 26 to an 18 currently. I am not sure how I feel in that 18. It fits. It hangs right. But something tells me it is too small. I am sure it is just a trick my mind is playing on me. It is funny some people have to learn to be comfortable in smaller sizes.
I sometimes let myself dream of what I will look like weighing 100 pounds less. Will the fat be gone from my arms? Will I have bat wings??? How much sagging skin will I have?? Will I be self conscience of this?? Will I feel great? Will I be able to get rid of most of my meds? You know what? I don't care if I have bat wings or a flappy belly like in the movie CLICK with Adam Sandler. It will be a reminder of where I am now and what all gets taken from you when you let yourself not be healthy. Left over stretch marks, varicose veins, bat wings and flappy skin no matter where it may end up....I am ok with it.
I am proud of the fact I am still dealing with each day with as much dedication or more than the first day I set out to do this. I am happy for myself of the success I have had. I take more than pounds into consideration too! That scale is just a little blip on my screen. Sure it helps, but how I feel is a much bigger success to me. I will just keep taking it day by day. Minute by minute. Second by second. And not overwhelm myself with everything and trying to be perfect. I know I am not, nor should I be. But breaking it down and really adhering to it.....works for me.
Content, proud, accomplishing so much. Jumping into another day on this long road to a new me!