the long blog about changing my inheritance and destination
Friday, June 27, 2014
A whole week without blogging!!!
That was a little much needed break for me from sparking. It becomes overwhelming for me from time to time.
Counting every bite and calorie.
Well needless to say, my big 5 pound loss two weeks ago has probably been forgotten.
I have been afraid to get back on the scale.
Stress eating and snacking mostly.
Spending the entire day at the hospital with my dad, trying to convince him to have the ct scan to try to find out what is causing his pain.
Only to have him refuse, the doctor stops his 2 hour intervals of morphine shots due to non-compliance, and my dad decides in the middle of the night hes coming home.
So, no one goes to get him, the next morning when the nurses come in, hes up sitting in a chair, fully dressed, including his shoes, which he swears he cannot put on by himself and makes my mother do this for him.
This from a man who only hours earlier, couldnt even move in his bed due to pain, screaming out and begging for someone to pull the sheets off his legs because he was in too much pain to reach down with his hand to do so!!!!
His biggest problem, giving up!!
He has decided at the age of 73 that he is done living and waiting for death, only thing is, they cant find anything actually wrong with him, so he has to live a while longer, laying in the hospital bed that my mother, the enabler, had delivered for him.
Next thing you know he will be wearing adult diapers, simply to save himself the annoyance of walking the 10 feet to the bathroom.
It has to be a sad life to not be dying but trying to convince the rest of the world that you are in such extreme pain that you cannot lay flat on a table for 8 minutes to have a ct scan.
On the drive home, with my little casears hot and ready by my side, all I could think about was, I dont want to live that way, and I dont want to die that way.
So, while I did eat a few slices and allowed my stress to get the better of me, I also had a salad and water and knew in my mind that I wasnt going down that way.
I do not want my son to have to feel obligated to sit in a hospital room all day long, staring at me while I lay there screaming in pain, real or imagined.
We cannot help real health battles such as cancer and other ailments that often occur in older age.
But we can make it less likely to happen by proper nutrition and exercise.
My parents idea of a healthy walk is to walk from the front door to the car and into the doctors office or pharmacy to get their grocery bag full of pills every month.
I have to say, I have also carried a bag of pills that size out of the drug store and felt like an idiot, praying no one passed by that knew me.
Pills for high blood pressure, swelling, pills for heartburn, which I could have cured by not eating junk late at night.
Pills for pain, pills for headaches, backaches, bone aches, which I was able to lessen by walking everyday and lifting weights.
Pills for stress, anxiety and depression.
on and on it goes.
Now I am down to one pill for pain.
one pill for depression. NONE for anxiety.
I find my stress is best relieved when I exercise. Which I havent been doing much of this week.
Sunday night, after a long soak in the tub, I get out to find my foot is asleep. Thinking it had to be from the way I was sitting for so long, but my foot never woke up.
So for the last 5 days, its been pretty much numb, tingling, pins and needles, up to my knee and the area around my knee as well.
I have an appointment with the ortho who treated my broken foot last year, not that I think theres anything he can do.
Maybe an MRI or some other tests will help to show if there is nerve damage, related to the broken foot???
I have been wearing the bone growth stimulator all week at night, and tens unit for 30 minutes in the evening.
Hoping to increase the blood flow to my leg.
Not really knowing if that is helping or not. So, I havent walked, not that it hurts, but I have been scared to walk with less feeling in my foot, afraid I might twist it or step wrong and end up worse off.
This is killing me!!! Mentally I mean. It doesnt hurt at all, just feels asleep all the time. I am sure its a pinched nerve.
My doctor had set up physical therapy for me over a month ago, but my stupid insurance had to get paperwork signed saying it wasnt an accident or injury that someone else might be responsible for.
So, no PT thus far. I am going to find out this week if they are going to approve it or not.
It sucks that I find myself in this predicament when I have tried so hard for 2 years or more to lose weight and walk and exercise.
That I end up having to change my program due to this whatever it is.
When people like my parents are content to sit on the couch eating junk food and popping pills for everything from high glucose to pain to heartburn to headache to rumble stomach!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM.
It bothers me every time I have to go to the doctor or have some tests done, I envision myself 20 years from now in the boat they are in and I vow I will not be there.
I will keep fighting til I have nothing left to fight with!!!!