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I realized something tonight.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

I have been feeling down for over a week now. I will admit I have been letting myself and my progress go backwards down hill. I knew something was bothering me because I was so proud of myself and on such a great roll! But I couldn't figure out what it was until now.
June 11th I beat a personal best for myself. I had been doing an elliptical bike for exercise daily and doing what I could and every now and again I would really push myself to see how far and how fast I could go in about the same amount of time I typically exercise and on June 11 I did over 22 miles AND shaved 10 minutes off my time. It WAS the best day ever since starting this journey over again.
My heart also broke that day. Maybe because I let it break but I don't know how to not let it break. They say success isn't complete until you can share it with the people important to you. So let me share my story.
I grew up basically raising myself. I had a mother, father and older brother. My mother was always in hospitals, my father always working and not always letting me visit my mother, and my brother extremely mean to me to put it nicely. All I ever wanted growing up was a mom to do mother daughter things, a dad to love me and be proud of me, and a brother to be my friend and be that protective type. But I had none of that. To this day my family doesn't talk to me much. And if they do I am the one to initiate it. It hurts my heart and I have spoken to each of them quite a bit over my lifetime about it to never have it change. It seems worse now that my brother lives by my parents on the same street. I rarely get to talk to my mom...and I love my mom so dearly, I have always wanted her in my life. She enjoys time with me and has apologized for not being there for me growing up. I told her I have always loved her and never blamed her for that and I know she did the best she could. She turned 70 this year. Her health isn't the best and has struggled her whole life. My gut says I don't know how long she will be around. When my father still worked I would call her almost daily, creating the relationship I always wanted between us. But when they moved to be closer to my brother my father retired and was home all the time. I have discussed with my mom that my father doesn't let us talk. It is very awkward and uncomfortable and painful because when he is around he cuts the convo short and just hangs up. I live 9 hours from all of my family. My father acts angry and speaks angrily at me any time I try to write or call. I do not call as often as I would like to because there is this "thing" that is in the way of me being able to speak to my mom. It is awkward and very hard to explain. It seems to be in high gear this year.
Anyway, I was so excited I had made a new best for myself and was feeling soooo good and doing so well after all the horrible health issues I have been dealt over the years. My mom has always been so worried about me, she says he is too but he never shows or says it, he is only negative to me. So I wanted to share with her some great news so she would feel better about me and my health. I wanted her to feel the high I was feeling.
I debated about calling since my father wasn't talking to me at the time and trying to repel me from the family...I never know why. I have always said and done the wrong thing in his eyes all my life. I can never do anything right in his eyes.
I decided in the late afternoon to take the chance and call her. So I father has caller id so he simply answers "yeah." I say hi's Katy, your daughter... he simply responds "yeah." I ask him how he is and he doesn't answer. I ask him if I can talk to mom...he doesn't answer.. I ask him again and he says "hang on." My mom gets on and starts the conversation kind of the same way, not typical for her usually she is happy it is me. I don't know why my father doesn't like me talking to my mom. But she seemed to be in the same mood as he was. I began to tell her I was feeling better and trying to do more and more exercise and trying to get better health. And this time I was doing really well. And I had just hit a new best for myself! I waited for any happy response..... nothing. There was a lot of awkward pauses. I was confused. I told her again, maybe she didn't hear me. But she did. She just said "yeah...ok" That took me so off guard. She was always my cheerleader when no one else was. I want to believe that even though she didn't say it she was happy for me. I keep telling her she can call me when ever she wants to. She has only called once and that was a really long time ago, like 2 years.
I sit here with tears rolling down my face, feeling the hurt again and realizing what it did to me. To share something so great that I was so proud of to the people who are supposed to love me and be happy for me. And not have them care. Not have them be proud of me too. It felt like I had been given up on again. Yes, again. It is difficult being positive when it really feels like no one cares.
I realized tonight that that phone call, destroyed me. I didn't think it did, I kept my head up and kept moving and eating right. But slowly my support system started to go away and I felt like I was more and more alone. And tonight I realized I felt like I was given up on, so I was giving up on myself.
I sit here tearing up, hurt. But glad I realized this because now I can move on from it. I knew I needed to do this just for me, and I will celebrate my successes for myself. It does help me so much when I have people happy for me, or encouraging me. So for those who respond to me, check on me, or go out of their way to keep in touch with me...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You never know who is alone in things and who needs that support. Some don't appreciate it the way I do. But I will always try to give my best not only to myself but others. Because someone out there is like me, and needs the support. Genuine, consistent, caring support and friendship to help keep moving forward.
I am trying to heal from this now that I realize what was bogging me down. I am praying tomorrow I have a lighter heart and mind. With pep in my step and energy and happiness in my soul. I am living to make my life happier and more whole. To be healthy so I can live a long time to give my kids and some day grandkids the love I always wanted. To support them and be proud of them the way I always wanted. To have them know I will always be there for them with open arms and an open heart. Non judgmental and accepting of each of them and teaching them to know how special they are and what a gift they are. Help them build confidence and respect for themselves and others in this world.
I am blessed to have the opportunity to get myself healthier. I am blessed to have an amazing loving and gentle husband. I am blessed to have 3 respectful, hardworking, smart, kind boys. I don't need a bunch of money, big house, expensive cars, name brand stuff....I am rich enough having the husband and kids I have. That is what truly is important in life. Health, respect, loving connections, and consistency. I believe God has put me through tough times because He knows I am strong and can handle it. I may not understand all the lessons I am to learn...such as my parents and brother....maybe patience and forgiveness? But I love them regardless of anything. Even if they don't have me in their lives as much as I do try. They can't stop that. I just don't understand why they try to do that. And it will always hurt, but I will have to keep making myself stronger from it.
So much has happened in my life. Everyone has a story. This is just a snippit of something I realized tonight. Now, I hope to get back on my roll. To continue with my success and to be a better me. A healthier me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The last bit you wrote got all swimmy because my eyes were full of tears. Please know you are not alone, many people here (and indeed on other sites) "get" what you are talking about. Some of us have similar circumstances in life and I wanted to tell you that I really admire you putting this out there- all your raw hurts- because it helps, not only you, but others (like me) draw strength.
    I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself and especially for your Personal Record! WOW! How Amazing!
    Also it is good to see you focus on what IS a blessing in your life and I pray for you and your parents. It is what it is & though you may long for it to be different, it simply isn't right now... but You are changing and that is very exciting!
    So glad that I've found SP & people like you! I'll be thinking of you as I go hit the elliptical bike!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2481 days ago
    2481 days ago
  • PEAR-170
    May God provide you strength and guidance during your time of need. Your new friend :)

    2481 days ago
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