Last summer I was in a really good place. I had my beautiful family and 3 wonderful children, I was able to lose all the baby weight and get back down within a few pounds of my goal, I had friends for the first time in my adult life, I was active, I was happy.
Fall and Winter came and some things happened, curiosity, adventure, confusion, love, heartbreak, a broken friendship, a friendship that will never be the same, depression..... a whirlwind of emotions and events that I wont go into but they turned my whole simple little world upside down and I am still recovering and trying to come to some sort of balance in my own head
spring I was a mess, I was depressed... crying for no reason... I had gained about 25 pounds, I drank a lot and I never really had much interest in drinking before outside of the occasional social occasion. I was feeling bad emotionaly and physically. sick all the time. I did a few stupid things that in all honesty could have been a lot worse but I was lucky and I knew that I needed to stop drinking because I could not just have one drink and stop I would end up getting to that stage where I would black out and the next day I would be so sick I couldnt get out of the bed for 24 hours and my husband would have to be the one taking care of me and the children. Then the next 24 hours I would spend thinking about what I did or wondering what I did in thouse moments I couldnt remember. I would commit to cut down on my drinking but by midweek I was making a margaritta and two weeks later I was in bed with yet another hangover and the cycle would continue.
So almost 2 weeks ago I told my husband I had a major problem and decided to stop all together. My health is really gone down hill and I was feeling physically bad all the time and depressed all the time and I knew there was a more than good chance the drinking might be or was the problem. I decided I really needed to pull myself together again because I wasent giving my best to myself or to my husband or children. I dont want to be that person anymore.
So here I am. I decided to go to a therapist a few months ago... Ive been twice so far and I dont know if I like it or if its for me. I made an appt with a psychiatrist because I am considering medication for anxiety and the issues I have with ADHD that I am sick of dealing with. I stopped drinking and its both easy and hard... easy in the fact that I just stopped and I am very commited to it but hard in the fact that when I get stressed out or depressed I do want to run down and grab a bottle of wine from the store. I have my good and my bad days.... the bad days I start thinking about certain things in my life and they make me sad and I feel bad and weepy and all I want to do is eat my feelings lol.
I am trying very had to take back the control I once felt in my life but I find I cant keep all of this inside and I need some sort of support. My husband unfortunatly seems kinda disinterested, and I really dont like my therapist and even if I did my appointements are only once a month and when I really feel like I need to vent about something I have no one to talk to and when I do go to my appointments I cant even remember half the crap I was thinking or feeling (another great thing about ADHD). So I planning on coming back to spark people and hopefully I will write my feelings instead of eating them, or drinking them or some other unhealthy way of coping.
Its so funny because I think of how I use to be on spark people. A motivation to others, someone strong and in control of her own life someone who figured it all out. I dont feel like I am that same person right at this point but I would like to work twards finding her again. I would also like to lose this extra 25 pounds :-)
Dont know if anyone will read this... seems like people on spark people you knew a few years back tend to disapear but for anyone who does, hopefully my posts will become less heavy as time goes on and I start to feel better. I have already started to feel better than I did in just a few weeks time so I have high hopes for the near future.