when its time to let go, let go, dont wait til your fingers bleed!!!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Today I had intended to make cabbage rolls, but instead I ended up just throwing everything into the crcok pot and I ended up with a delicious soup.
Cabbage, ground beef, tomatoes, carrots, mini bell peppers, of all colors, and rice.
Garlic, oregano and ground red pepper.
I dont know what its called, but it is tasty!
In other news. I got my appointment for August 4th to have my nerve conduction study.
Hopefully this will give me some idea of what is going on with my foot.
I know the ortho asked me to wait til Sept, his reasoning being that my foot hasnt been in this condition long enough for them to determine what is going on.
But he isnt the one who has to walk on a numb foot and not be able to walk for exercise, to just walk from the living room to the bedroom, etc, is annoying.
Not so much painful, just the constant feeling of a foot asleep, dead, numb.
I cant wait.
I dread it some too, I have been told these tests can be somewhat painful.
But the thoughts of walking around like this for another two months is more painful.
And in even more news, I have made a personal decision to delete some facebook friends and also, to cut some ties to some so called real friends.
I dont have girlfriends anymore.
Everyone wanted me around when they were single, when they wanted someone to have lunch with, go shopping with, hang out in the bar with.
I always thought, wow, I have such amazing friends, but what I discovered was that I was nothing more to any of them but filling, a wing-man!!
Well, it hurts to finally let that sink in that I wasnt really ever their friend, but just someone to fill a void while they were single, while their husbands were at work, or kids in school.
Now, when Honey is at work, if I go anywhere, I go alone.
I have stopped asking any of them to lunch or dinner, I have stopped asking any of them to go shopping, or to even just ride around with me while I run errands or vice versa.
No, I do not have one single friend out there who I can spend time with.
I dont know what it would feel like to have one of them call me up just to talk and laugh.
Or even Facebook message me,
I always make the move to begin a conversation.
And I know that for a long time, I probably wasnt every much fun to be around.
I went thru a very hard time during the first part of 2013, well, thru most of that year really, up til the fall at least. And another thing I figured out was, once the drama was gone, so were they.
Told me that they were probably just being my friend to hear how bad my life was so they felt good about themselves,
My so called best friend since grade school, who used to ask me to do stuff all the time, even if it was just to come to her house and sit on the porch and chat. she doesnt even speak to me anymore.
On occasion she will comment on something I might post on FB,
But our friendship as it was is gone.
I have no one.
But myself and right now, just staying at home and looking for something to do to kill the boredom of my life since i cant walk, I watch Netflix or read or clean house or SP.
Sometimes I just get out of the house looking for something to do, today I stopped at a few yard sales, but I didnt buy anything. I checked the mail and I came home.
Last week this mood hit me, and I decided to get out of the house and go look for something to do, but all that crossed my mind was places to eat, I went to the store intending to buy a bunch of junk food and get on a bender, but I didnt.
I know I need a job, or a hobby or to volunteer, but with the situation with my foot, I really dont think I can work right now. and besides, theres no jobs around here for me.
We dont have stores or fast food or shopping centers, close by, we are at least 20 to 30 miles from anything of that nature, or offices.
I have over 300 FB friends, and not sure how many SP friends.
But not ONE single real friend.
and believe me people, there is a huge difference between friends and FB friends.
A good many of them only want to be friends with you because they dont really like you, or they want to see your page so they can spy on someone you are friends with, or they want to see what about your life makes them feel better about theirs.
I get that,
I have been guilty of doing the same thing.
But, the way I feel right now, I dont really care and I know we are all just looking for one real friend.
I dont need 300. I need one. Who is real, who is genuine, who is flesh and blood and I dont have them.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that it must be me.
I must be needy or there must be something about my personality or maybe they dont want to be seen with me, or maybe I smell bad.
Whatever it is, I have had to accept it.
I am not depressed over it, I am not really sad, I dont hate them or really even care about them at all anymore.
It has sunk in that this is the way it is and so why hang on to those who dont want to hang onto me.