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when do you give it all or not at all? can there be a middle?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When do you get really serious about your health?
A man I know just died this morning, he was my age, 46. I have known him all his life, since we were little children.
and he has always been overweight, obese, morbidly obese.
I had suspected he had some kind of weight loss surgery in the last few years, as he had lost alot of weight, but he was still very obese.
He had been in and out of the hospital for the last year with heart condition.
He was sent to Jewish Hospital in Louisville, earlier this week for potential heart surgery, but he was too weak and he gave in this morning.
So, I once again find myself sitting here knowing I do not want that to be me.
I do not want to be like my father and have 4 heart attacks, a heart pacemaker and defib.
and still not be healthy,
My father at the age of 74 is now pretty well bedfast, of his own making.
He was offered in hospital physical therapy for 2 weeks to help build up his muscles and get him back up moving with the help of a walker or cane.
He refused.
Opting instead to come home and crawl into his bed, where he slipped out of last week and my brother had to try to get him out of the floor and back into the bed.
Parents become a medical burden to their children, usually not by choice, and usually after fighting to stay independent.
Not my father, he has given up. The only thing is, the doctors cannot find anything physically wrong with him. Other than the fact that he did work underground in the coalmines most of his life and therefore has breathing problems and wear and tear on his body, bones.
When do you decide to just give up?
When do you choose to fight?
I fought, then I gave IN, NOT UP, BUT IN.
I am the first to admit the last few months, I have been struggling.
I havent been careful about what I eat, mindful, but not careful.
I knowingly have eaten ice cream and burgers and chips and breads.
and every single time afterward, I have felt guilt, I have felt failure.
So, when do I start fighting again?
Proof positive that WLS isnt always the answer, a man I know had the surgery 4 years ago, he has gained back at least half of the 180 pounds he lost, and is now starting the process to have the surgery AGAIN.
He has undergone at least 5 bowel and stomach related surgeries since.
When do I start fighting again?
When do I say no longer will I accept that failure? When will I stop giving in to cravings and thoughts that its ok, now, worry about it later.
Well it is later.
I dont want to go out like them. I might, no one knows the future, even thin and healthy people develop illnesses that they cant overcome, the lady I stayed with last year before she passed, all of her life, she stayed busy, worked, and was in good health, physically.
But a fall and a broken hip and surgery and she never recovered, she went down hill from that day on.
So no one knows what is going to happen.
The healthiest of us, the sickest of us, no one knows how it is going to end.
But I know this, I dont want to struggle anymore.
I am killing myself not only with my food choices, salty and fat and sugary, but I am killng myself with what I am doing to myself mentally, back and forth with the depression over food.
I just dont want to go out like that.
I guess you could say at least those guys tried, right? Some look at it like surgery is the easy way out, well it cant have been easy for them, it cant have been easy for those others I have known who suffered health problems and numerous surgeries after.
I do know a few who have been successful after.
I think those people would have been successful without it if they had chosen that road.
That is one reason why I dont think I would be successful after surgery. Because I had a small success on my own, then I just got tired of trying. Well I have rested long enough, its time to get back to work.
I dont want to be in this place in my mind anymore.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm there with you, Val. I often give myself a mental "pass" on taking care of myself because of all the time and energy my oldest son's care requires. BUT, the truth is, if I want to be around for him, and I do, I need to take care of myself. It's just so hard not to give in to depression and crappy habits :/ I'm rooting for you, and you are not in this alone.
    2286 days ago
  • GORDON66
    Figuring out your motivations will help you pinpoint what you need to target. Self-awareness is crtical in changing your life.
    2286 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12236521
    Thank you for speaking from your heart. I also struggle with the yo-yo effect often- I can do really good and then let it all go. You would think that after watching my father losing his kidneys to cancer and uncontrolled diabetes, I would change my ways. I didn't, instead I held on tighter to the comfort of food.

    Today, I will refocus and recommit to becoming a healthier me. It's the best thing I can do for myself. I'm not going to let these setbacks stand in my way. We both deserve so much better. emoticon
    2287 days ago
  • no profile photo RIDLEYRIDER
    The healthy person in you is taking all this overwhelming info and experience of those around you and is trying to do the right thing. Is it easy, definitely not, not ever, unfortunately. Success will come when you make a plan, small, easy doable steps...those small successes will lead to bigger ones, I assure you. Forget the slip-ups or the backsliding...we have all been there and can move on. Never, never, never give up. You are worth every effort! emoticon
    2287 days ago
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