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this moment

Friday, August 08, 2014

When you realize that your life is spiraling out of control. Out of whose control??? Yours???
Are we ever in control of our own lives???
Arent bill collectors, doctors, parents, teachers, authority figures, children????

I dont know why this is on my mind this morning. Sitting here in the quietness of the house, working on the bills, finally a day alone, and its raining outside, so much so that I can hear it over the sound of the music that plays in my headphones.

Just listening to my own thoughts I suppose. Remembering happy sunny days spent at the walking track. Just me and my thoughts and my music then too, but at least then it was thoughts of good health and weight loss and lunches planned with friends I had back then.
Wondering where those thoughts went, those friends as well???

Wondering why the scale never moves. Wondering why I cant stick to anything for more than the time it takes to plan it out in my mind.
Wondering why my foot is this way. The numbness is less this morning, but that means nothing, it only means I have been sitting about all morning. By bedtime tonight I wont be able to feel my toes at all and the whole bottom of my foot will still be dead.
And this morning I called to see if they had gotten my nerve test results back, and was told they dont read them until after the 18th.
I dont know what thats all about.
But I go back to my own doctor on Monday, so I am going to ask her to send me for an ultrasound on my whole leg. I am seriously worried about DVT and blood clot.
This might just be the beginnings of my mothers hypochondria passing the torch onto me.
But in this case, I am willing to carry it.
I havent lost a single pound, I am to the point now that I no longer even want to get on the scale, so I dont even currently have one in my home.
I know I will find out on Monday at the doctors office that I am stuck or climbing.
So, the cycle that never ends, never ends for me.

I sit here, having had my wheat toast and egg for breakfast, coffee and wondering what is next in my life.
I have been wishing I could find another part time job, just to get out of the house a few days a week.
Living in the boonies as I call it is bad for job hunting.
We are so very very limited in our job market. and defeat the purpose to make money, to drive 40 miles round trip to work a minimum wage job.
By the time one fills their car with gas, they have spent more than they earned.
Right now I might be willing to do it part time just for the purpose of interaction with other human beings, real flesh and blood living creatures.
But, I doubt there is a job out there for me worth the risk of the added weight and time spent on my foot.
So, I sit here, in front of this box, watching bikers deal drugs and cops search for serial killers and my little dog lays next to my good for nothing foot that I can barely feel.
And I read about the excitement, real or imagined or embellished at least, of the Facebook crowd.
And I look over at the elliptical sitting in the corner and wish my spirit would lift my body up and carry it over and use it.
Instead I sit here yawning, after 3 cups of coffee and listening to the rain and the thoughts in my head.
Most of them are negative!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    As the saying goes, "Sometimes courage means putting one foot in front of the other." Though I've had some victories lately in terms of my fitness, my son's struggles threaten to tow me under nearly every day. Let's buoy each other up. I identify with living in a rural area and the challenges that brings, but I agree with Gordon66, just take one step outside when weather permits. One thing I have realized is that the people who love me want me to take care of myself; they want to see me happy and successful. Take care, and may the sun shine on you soon.
    2263 days ago
    Maybe you could find an on-line job. There are legit ones out there but I hear you have to do your homework. Part of your mood sounds like boredom.

    I hope you get good news on Monday.
    2264 days ago
  • GORDON66
    You're cacooning yourself. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I live in a major metropolitan area, and it's still hard to connect with other human beings. For me, part of the appeal of going to the gym is interacting with others.

    Once the weather gets better, try getting outside. I actually find weeding to be very soothing. Take care!!!
    2264 days ago
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